I'm really struggling, wondering if I can save myself on my own, or if I would have a better chance of surviving if I had friends who would visit, or my companion here, but now that I have written it out, I realize that is wasting my energy to worry about, because I can't bring my companion to me or the friends. Its all in the hands of God's will, so I WILL be doing this on my own, whether I like it or not, and if I can't be strong enough to save myself, (even if I try until I bleed from every pore) then I can't, and that is God's will also. And if I CAN survive alone all this pain and the emotions and overwhelming feelings that a person goes through at the end of their life, then I will thank God for all the assistance that He gave me to do that. I think I would feel worse with someone else here, because I would be thinking that I am making them suffer also, so maybe God knows that would be more of a burden to me, to know that I am making someone else suffer, so that's why I am doing it alone. I never experienced loneliness in the 10 years I have been alone in this bedroom. I had my computer friends and savored my solitude, after being in a family (ex husband's) where I was forced to help with 5 day long family parties, where family from all over many states would show up and stay at the house and play games and eat and visit and sleep all in different shifts, and I had to stay and be the other hostess no matter how sick I was, and I did it until I never wanted to entertain again. Ok, so it helps to write down your thoughts...good thing to learn. So this is really hard, especially at night, and especially when I can't even get myself a drink, because dehydration makes your body and brain start to shut down, so I need to find a way to make it easier.
Someone who just wrote pointed out that I haven't supplied you with enough information to put the puzzle pieces together. Let me fill that in for you. I live in Canada, and married a man from Swat in the Himalayan mountains. Its also where both 'Lost Horizon" movies were shot, and is the 'Shangri-La' the Asians speak of. Its where Buddha was born. We have been running a business online for 2 years of translating and proofreading to earn money for immigration. I have been with him for 4-8 hours a day on webcam for 4+ years and I know about 10 other people in his town that all know and respect him. I met him through one of these other friends online. I am in the end stages of lupus, with heart failure and a few weeks ago was told that if I didn't get some treatment soon, I would be too sick for any kind of treatment. The Dr. told me I might have to wait 6-12 months for testing and treatment. I lived in the USA for 20 years, and there I would be treated within 24 hours. There have been an eerie amount of delays with the immigration, but those seem inspired, because I cannot take care of him and help him adapt to this society when I can't even get myself a sandwich. I can't even keep him fed unless I get well, and since the medical world gave up on my lupus years ago, all my treatments except for unbearable pain, are natural. I am also going through Rapid Eye Technique sessions and energetic healing sessions, since the medical system seems to be so lacking with chronic disease. Natural medicine has been here since man first walked the earth. Modern medicine is only 100 years old and is good for many things but has almost destroyed itself with greed. I decided to learn a bit of "The secret", energetic healing, changing the way you think and speak, etc. in hopes that I can start a whole new life. I have a degree in world religions, but my education completely passed over this new enlightened way of thinking, maybe because it can't be classified as a religion. I am Christian, but also have beliefs from every major religion and still enjoy studying them. I have had more than 12 NDEs (Near death experiences), so I am not afraid of dying. In fact, until I started the Rapid Eye Technique, I wanted to die. RET removed that desire and changed it into a desire to start all over and to give to people as much as I possibly can, and to enjoy some things in life. I am bedridden so even going to the park would be enjoying life, I moved to Canada 9 years ago this week but have been too sick to go meet friends. I did meet a few, but was not able to share in the give and take that friendships need to survive, so the friendships didn't survive. I am living with my terminally ill mother (also lupus) and my terminally ill father (just went into a nursing home in March but we cared for him before that) and my terminally ill brother (who got his own apartment and goes to feed dad twice a day). We don't know who will go first. I wish we could all go at once. We are so close, it will be really hard to miss even one of the others...but knowing we will soon all be together is a comfort. It is possible that this threat of me dying is just like all the others, where the Dr. would say "You can't live past 2 more years", then in 2 years I would have a NDE, get sent back to earth, and it would start again, but this time the feeling is completely different. I have enough organ damage now that death is possible.Death itself is easy. Its living alone through this pain and fear and starving that is bugging me. Mom is not well enough to help me. She is living on ensure drinks since I can't cook for us anymore. Just after being told my prognosis, I made it a full time job to find an agency to help my family. I went through them all, no luck. I have had ads up to hire someone for years with no reply. There is a real labor shortage crisis in Canada so they are begging for immigrants to come work here. There is NO REASON my husband should not be allowed in.. There is no security problem or legal problem or anything questionable about him. My husband couldn't bear to see me suffer so much, and loves me so much, he wanted to come here and help my family, but that's not happening either. I guess that's good because it would be awful for him to come here and live with a sick wife, not able to enjoy life or get help to adapt, and then if I died, he's be left in strange country alone. It would be much better if he could come after I could get this heart treatment so I would have a little bit of strength to help him. I feel so bad that I can't be the kind of wife I want to be, the kind he deserves, but I "SERVED" hubby #1 so much that I wore out my body before I was 35, then when I started slowing down, he tossed me out like a used Kleenex. He then married an oriental woman, thinking that was the only way he would get "served" like I served him, but that backfired on him. I am thankful that God got me out of that marriage, because even though I thought I knew what love really was, it was completely different compared to the love I get now, even from 10,000 miles away. If there is such a thing as a twin flame or mirror spirit or soul mate, this man makes me believe there are such things. We are so much in tune with each other, even calling at the same time, saying the same things, knowing what the other is feeling. I want this man despite breaking all the rules of his society and he feels the same. Rules of marrying outside the tribe, color, religion,age group, away from the family, everything. It sounds foolish, and I do fight with my practical side and my desire to be with him, because I know how hard marriage is at the best of times, he doesn't. He's an innocent. Even with the heart condition taken care of, if that would take me back to where I was 4 months ago before the heart problem, then I will only have 4 hours a day of strength, but I still HOPE I can find ways to change that. If I can't, then I feel very sorry for the life my husband will face with a sick, but adoring wife.I am ashamed to complain, because I know things could be worse...but sometimes it really needs to be vocalized that I am struggling and alone and need encouragement, and soon will need a real human local friend or employee to help with living skills. Mom is sick upstairs in her room, I am sick downstairs in my room, and rarely are able to do much for each other. I am SO thankful to be alive in the age of internet so I can reach people even from my bed. People from all over the world. I am a knowledge sponge, so I am learning more from bed than I could if I traveled the world if I were healthy, so this little box is a blessing.
Sunday, 2 September 2007