Sunday, 23 December 2007

Drama, Drama, Always More Drama!

Three days ago I woke up in so much pain I didn't know how I would finish the urgent things that need done. I was considering going to the hospital. I finally got upstairs and Mom was also very sick and needed an ambulance, so I helped her get ready to go in the ambulance and went to be her advocate (if you don't take someone with you to this hospital, they neglect you.) I was glad to do it but wishing I had someone to take me to the E.R.
They sent her home and told her to go back the next day if she still didn't have a BM. Today is one month from the day Dad died, and today I was sick enough for the hospital again, but again Mom needed to go, so I took her, and they admitted her. This time though, I asked at the front desk if there was any way if I could sign myself in, but be seen in my Mom's room, instead of being separated in my own bed for many many hours. Usually they won't let me be with Mom if I ask that, but this time they did, so I got the medical help I needed while taking care of Mom.
She is talking about death a lot, and if the Lord is planning on taking her soon, I really hope He send a few more angels for Doug and I to bear it spiritually, emotionally and physically, financially. We will both be homeless if Mom dies, because disability income is not enough to live on alone.
So we won't be making any Christmas dinner. We will be opening gifts at the hospital and maybe eat lunch in the cafeteria there. They have turkey dinner that day.I hope Mom is here for 1 more Christmas at least.

Drama #2
My husband was near a building that exploded today due to a suicide bomber. God protected him AGAIN! He got a "percussion injury", where the air that is blasted hits you like a rock and makes a huge bruise and makes you fly through the air, and his ears are still ringing so he might have slight hearing damage. I am so sorry he has to live like that. I want him HOME and safe!...but I would not be very helpful to him right now. Maybe he is being delayed because we can't help each other the way we will need help right now. He will have PTSD for sure, the longer he stays, the worse it will be. Today he said he didn't know how he could stand this anymore, but we just do. We just keep waking up the next morning and we keep surviving.
Maybe he is being delayed by God because no man can live in a house with this much drama and crisis all the time. I don't want to ruin his life and make him unhappy by the hard lifestyle of living with a sick wife. He deserves children and I can't give him that. I'm finished with that. So hard to wait for him, and to wonder why the delay in him getting home.
I have an Aunt who barely ever talks to us because we have more dramatic crisises in 1 year than she has ever had in her life and she thinks its not possible or that we are making up all these things. Her crisis is to get a grass stain on her white pants.
I am SO exhausted, in so much pain, no one to help me or even to help Mom so I can rest enough...one of those times that I feel like I could die soon, but I won't. Lupus is a LONG severely painful existence. Lupus gets worse with stress, shutting down more organs. As soon as it hits the heart or liver or kidneys, you are getting close to death. My brother wonders about him dying soon too because all this stress is making his heart do crazy things...so wouldn't that be weird if all 4 of us died within a year or so of each other?
I thought God sent me a husband for strength to go through all these things with, but if I go through all these things alone, it shows I do not need a husband...but I would like the companionship. Maybe God is waiting until both parents have passed away, so I won't be lonely, but then Mom won't have to deal with living with a son-in-law. She really can't live alone anymore so we'd have to live with her to help her. I totally overthink things and constantly think "why". It wears me out. I'm going to go "lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise and fight again."


Saturday, 22 December 2007


     My life is so full of "coincidences" that I wouldn't believe it if it was not happening to me. Each one could make a good short story, but no one would believe that all these coincidences happen to one person. lol.
     Last night I was making out the grocery list for our boxing day dinner, which we are having with my sister instead of Christmas dinner. I said we needed potatoes and I needed to call my sister to see if she had a turkey or if I needed to buy one. Just then the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, and no one was there, but I looked down, and there was a huge Rubbermaid square container with  a turkey, turkey roaster, potatoes, stuffing,  canned soup, veggies, fruits, mac and cheese, hot chocolate and more. I have NO CLUE who brought it. It might have been an agency such as the food bank or the church, or it might have been an individual who knew what a tough month/year we have had and will have for a little while yet...BUT WHAT A JOY!!! All the years I had given to other people secretly, it was such a joy to give, but usually I feel guilty about receiving so much. Not this time, since I am not even well enough to get to the grocery store before boxing day.
     We also have been invited to someone's house for Christmas Eve (first time ever) and another house for Christmas Day, but I think I will invite them to our house instead for boxing day dinner. Life is looking up! Maybe the funeral reminded people that we are still here and alive, so we will have more of a social life. I think we will ask more people over for games  or videos or visiting now. Dad was so against having company. Now we can have more people over, so we won't be so isolated, like the prison of the past 10 (ten) years. Thankyou Lord. What a blessing to know good hearted people!

Friday, 21 December 2007

Dear Second Family

Dear second family, we have another crisis.
     Forgive me for asking for prayer again so soon. I woke up in severe enough pain for the emergency room, and so did Mom, but her needs were greater than mine, so I have been in and out of the emergency room with her every 8 hours or so all day and night and it could continue for a few days. Dad just died 3 weeks ago and she talks as if she thinks her husband can't live without her in heaven and is coming to get her. To make it worse, the government messed things up and declared HER dead instead of my Dad, so her retirement pension, drivers license, bank account have all been cut off, and we could be homeless before we get lawyers, accountants and politicians to make it right again, and I think she decided that was the last straw, she could not face that long expensive fight and the possibility of homelessness, so maybe she is giving up.
    In our hospital, you do not go to the E.R. or even stay in the hospital without someone with you at all times or you are insulted and verbally abused and neglected. I wish I had someone who could go to the E.R. with me, I was in as much pain as she was when I took her. We need your prayers please. I know there is power in prayer and I feel it when others pray for us. I see it SO OFTEN that the other spouse dies shortly after the first, and I just don't have the strength to deal with that right now. We have not even put up any decorations and I have not gotten my children's and grandchildren's gifts wrapped and sent. We will just have to forget this Christmas. No matter how worn out and in severe pain I get from all this stress, I don't have anyone to go with me to the E.R. so I will really need some courage to face the severe pain at home or while in the E.R. with mom.
     Thanks for being here. (Ohhhh I just looked outside, we are in the middle of a BLIZZARD!! I don't even have the strength to shovel enough to get to the car and to scrape off the car to get to the hospital. I guess I jinxed myself when I was trying to find something to be thankful for, and told someone at least I was grateful the snow had melted and I didn't have to shovel or scrape off the car before following the ambulance.)
Thanks so much for your prayers
Blessings, Sheila W

Friday, 14 December 2007

The WHY of my Miracle, and I learned something else.

As this picture shows...I have been being carried by the Lord through all of the storms this past year or more. Struggling, but it would be so much worse without my faith and His comfort.

I just got a phone call from a really spiritual friend of my mom's. She called accidentally, thinking I had a computer for sale! She left a message on my machine. I am so weepy today that I didn't want to call her back, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that this year I have been taught that there are NO mistakes, NO coincidences, that even the mistakes turn out to have some reason, so her call was for a reason, so I called her back. I told her I didn't have a computer, we figured out the mistake, then started talking about other things.

It's been such a horrible day, everything I tried to do or call or write or work on went wrong, and then my daughter emailed me, telling me to send her gifts and my grandsons gifts to her grandmother's house, because she didn't want me to know where she is living. It made me not want to send the gifts, because she has never once sent me a gift for anything, but I don't want my grandsons to suffer because of her cruelty. I have not done ANYTHING but love and support that girl. That just broke me for today.

The lady that called me meant to come to Dad's funeral but went to the wrong church, so she missed it. I told her how angry I was at myself for having such negative thoughts when I am in severe pain or on days like this when I am grieving and weeping. She said that when I am thinking negative, defeating thoughts (almost always when the pain or the grieving comes), that its because that is when I am weakest, and I need to pray for the Lord to please take those thoughts from me until He decides to make me stronger, because I can't bear them when I am so weak. I'll have to remember that. I'm sure others are as tired of my sadness and fears as I am, but now I know its because they hit me when I am weakest, and I need to pray harder during those times for protection from those ideas.

I have been asking why God gave me the miracle of no pain for a week BEFORE Mom and Dad got sick, instead of when I needed it the most. If there was ever a time when I needed no pain and a positive outlook and strength, it was through their illness and Dad's passing and the funeral. Now I can see that if God had given me that week of no pain while mom and dad were both sick, then I would not have felt the emotional strength of joy and that I can do anything, and how beautiful life and the world are, and all the other wonderful clear thoughts that came to me. If that week of no pain would have come while they were sick, I would have still had the emotional sadness and stress, and would not have known how different life is without severe pain. I love learning new things, even if it takes pain to learn them. I pray this lesson stays with me. I hate that I forget so much of what life has taught me because of fibrofog and painfog, and I ask God to keep reminding me.

Blessings to you all, thanks for your love during this difficult time of grieving and fearing that I will lose my husband and mom and everyone else too. (Just a fear of losing others because I just lost Dad.)


Sunday, 9 December 2007

WARNING- (Could apply to any invisible illness)


Laughing at Chronic Illness



Let's face it. . . chronic illness can have its humorous moments if we look for them.

You know you have a chronic illness when...
  • You understand all the medical terminology discussed on the T.V. show Grey's Anatomy.
  • When you hear the term "Club Med" you automatically think of the hospital.
  • You ask your child to open the "child-proof" bottles of medicine because your hands are too sore.
  • Your medical records have to be transported on a cart.
  • To entertain people at parties you recite the side effects of medications as if you are the voice over on a commercial.
  • Your favorite Oprah program is when Dr. Oz is on.
  • To get rid of boredom on road trips, your whole family can go through the alphabet and name a drug that starts with each letter of the alphabet.
  • When you're unable to sleep because of pain, you watch "The Jerry Springer Show" and feel like you actually have a life.
  • Your spelling has improved dramatically, especially on words like "fibromyalgia" and "osteoporosis."
  • Or you've been "Around the World in Thirty Minutes" with CNN's Headline News 57 times in one sitting.
  • You have a panic attack in public and say, "Praise God this is only the fourth one today!"
  • You're invited to the wedding of the gal who works at the hospital lab.
  • You're child thinks watching you do injections of medication is "cool."
  • You have a flashback and don't know what happened and can honestly say, "I don't know where I was or what I was doing but I'll make
    something up if you'd like."


Top 10 things NOT to say to a chronically ill person

See the Rest Ministries/HopeKeepers T-shirt with this saying on the back!

10. You can't be in that much pain
9. Stop being lazy and get a job
8. You just want attention
7. Your illness is caused by stress
6. No pain. . . no gain!
5. It's all in your head
4. If you just got out of the house...
3. You're so lucky to get to stay in bed all day.
2. Just pray harder
1. But you look so good!


Reprinted with permission of Lisa Copen, Copyright 2007, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, http://www.invisibleillness.com

I thought my heart problem was cured, but...

I  guess it's not. I had to get a blood test a few days ago, an arterial blood gas. Its quite a painful test because they have to find an artery instead of a vein by feeling your pulse, and the arteries are usually wrapped in nerves, so when they poke it with  a needle, it just makes you hold your breath in pain. Anyway it took them quite a while to find a good artery, because my pulse was so erratic (irregular), which is what the problem was when I started this blog. My oxygen is still low, but I don't use the oxygen as much as I used to. I should have worn it today when I went out. Its freezing cold out, yet I was sweating from weakness. The problem is, the oxygen tank is in a shoulder pack, and if I barely have the strength to walk around without it, it is much harder to walk around carrying that heavy thing.
     Still they won't even offer me any medication that others with arrhythmia get, as if they are hoping I will die sooner. VERY SCARY to think that "the system" might have the power to let me die soon, ruining the lives of those who love me.
      I still don't think the Dr. knows when I will die. God will decide...but the more stress that happens, the closer I will move towards dying. I don't fear death at all, but knowing the pain that we are all feeling with Dad's death, I  don't want to cause anyone that kind of pain.
      I worry that hubby will get killed over there in the war zone, or that he will be delayed so long that I will not be much of a wife by the time we get together. I am doing everything in my power to get healthier and stronger, but maybe God has other plans.
     There is still the possibility that Mom could die soon. I thought since God found me a husband, that He found me a companion to be with me through these most traumatic times. I guess not. It does make me wonder about being a wife at all, if I  will not be getting any help, and I will be doing all the giving, like in my first marriage. I don't yet have the strength to even live a half way normal life or take care of my basic needs, nevermind trying to take care of someone else's needs who is going to be somewhat helpless for a while and might have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) on top of everything else.
     Ok here I go with my bad habit again. I am "what if"ing myself to death. We can't see the future. Its crazy to make yourself sick worrying about all that COULD happen. We need to hope for the best, envision the best, plan and work for the best, and live one day, one hour at a time, enjoying the moment. I used to worry so much about the future that I forgot to enjoy the present. Trying to kick that habit.
     I have really done a good job of taking in every moment and really feeling all of it, which makes life so much richer. Took a lot of reading and studying to change how I think. Hopefully I will continue improving with the way I think about life. It hard enough without adding more worries that are unnecessary.
     We have no interest or energy to decorate for Christmas this year. I think we need the joy that the decorations will bring, but we don't have the strength. The gifts that I am sending to children and grandchildren will be late, which doesn't make me happy, but I'm doing my best.
Blessings to you all,

Saturday, 8 December 2007

Interesting Experience since Funeral

        I had a weird experience yesterday. There have only been 3 times that I have cried uncontrollably since Dad died. First was when he died, second was after the funeral, third was last night about 8:00. I couldn't figure out why I was so upset and why I couldn't stop myself from crying, and I cried until about 10:30, then I realized that 7:45 two weeks ago is when Dad died. It seems like my body stored that traumatic hour in my body, and somehow, the alarm in my body went off at the same time he died. Strange.
      I noticed that with my divorce, too. Even after many years when I had forgotten the dates that some events happened, I would get into the most solemn, quiet, sad mood, and not understand why, then later it would come to me that it was that hour, day, month, etc. that he told me he was leaving, or that he did something else traumatic in our relationship.
     Just this month I have read a bit about memories being stored in your DNA, and sometimes are even passed down to the next generation. Maybe this experience has some tie to that theory? I don't know. So many mysteries that I will be so excited to learn after we are resurrected and can learn for eternity.
    I am sleeping about 1 hour every 2 days. Stress makes fibro/lupus worse, fibro/lupus flare makes stress worse, so its a vicious cycle.
    It is wonderful to feel the peace that passes all understanding, and to feel the Lord carrying us, and to have the knowledge that our family will soon be together again, and we know where he is and that he is happy and probably has even gotten to meet the Lord by now. What a comfort faith is.
     Gosh its nasty cold  here too. about -12. Its supposed to be the coldest winter in 15 years, and I believe it from the way its starting out! I'll have to go to Salvation army and get more layers of clothes to put under my coat, and a warm hat and scarf and hopefully some snow boots. I hear the snow boots are about $100 new, because the retail stores know that we have not needed them for so many years, that there are none in the used clothing stores, so if we want some, we have to pay whatever they want to charge us.
     Here is something else interesting. When Dad went into the nursing home 2 years ago, Mom, my brother and I suddenly hated food. It was like a constant nausea or knot in our stomach. We didn't even like the smell or sight of food, so we lived on very little food. This is one of the reasons I gained so much weight. My body thought it was starving, so it would not burn any fat. Now that the knot is out of our stomach, because we know that Dad is not suffering anymore, we are eating more (because there is so much food here left over from the funeral), and I lost 5 pounds in 5 days (2.5 kilos) from eating MORE! Dieting ruins your metabolism. Most large people have dieted themselves all the way to obesity. People are now learning that there are no magic pills or diets or tricks to staying thin. Only eating good food in portions that are not too big, and keep moving around as much as possible. So much has to do with genetics, also.  I AM THANKING GOD for helping me lose even 5 pounds because there is no way I can exercise enough to lose a lot of weight. Too much pain. I have found a few ways to exercise without pain, but do it many times a day, so that it will burn calories.  I hope soon I will be strong enough for my favorite activity, swimming, and to go on long walks so I can be strong enough to travel. I used to get awards in sports at school. Hard to look at my body now and believe that. lol. I just want to get stronger so I can enjoy life and help others more.

Sunday, 2 December 2007

One reason why the Elderly must suffer.

    We are finished with Dad's funeral now, and it has just occurred to me that if I had to let him go if he was healthy, it would have been unbearable; but because he was suffering so badly, we just wanted him to stop suffering, even if it meant we would miss him terribly. We cry because we miss him, but then we start to think of how happy he is and that he is not suffering anymore, and it is worth letting him go. Maybe that's one reason for all the suffering in the nursing homes. Another reason, is that someone is not willing to let them go. Mom and my brother and I all prayed on the same night "If it is your will Father, please let him stop suffering. Its getting worse and the nursing care is so bad now, its almost abusive, and it's hurting us ALL so much that we can't do much to ease his suffering, that we all think we will soon fall apart. He doesn't deserve this, please ease his suffering." It was a couple of days later that we all told each other that on the same night we had said almost exact prayers.
     I know that we had not fully been able to "let him go" before that, even though he was suffering and knew he would die soon, but as soon as we were completely able to release him, he soon went. I have seen this happen a couple of other times too, that the person stayed alive until one specific family member was ready to let him/her go, and when they do, they pass quickly. I love you Dad. You were one of the  most honorable/respectable/loveable men there could be. The church was full of people who loved you and had smiles on their faces with all the joy you brought to them with your sense of humor. I hope I can be more like you. Bye Dad. *sob* save a place for us.
Love, your adoring daughter.

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