Friday, 27 February 2009

LONGGGG day at the hospital.

I was amazed at all the things happening to mom every minute all day long. It took a staff of 4 nurses to keep changing tubes, changing IV sites, taking her to various tests, etc. constantly for 8+hours. I was exhausted just sitting and worrying and waiting and feeling her pain and exhaustion. She looks really bad. She has lost so much weight in just these 10 days, she lost most of her hair years ago from the lupus. Her color is not quite human. She has 3 Intra-venous's to push fluids and nutrients and pain meds in, and one to take blood out of, a tube in her nose to her stomach, one out of her bladder, a bag on her side which has a hole to push out body waste, oxygen canulas in her nose. The only thing she does not have is the breathing tube in her mouth to her lungs. SHE IS THE BRAVEST WOMEN I EVER KNEW! She has gone through sever constant pain for so many years, and has been so isolated because no one can believe someone can still be alive with so many problems, and just live on mostly liquids for so many years, that they just avoid her and talk behind her back. People fear and mock what they don't understand.

I am thankful that she is still alert and thinking clearly and talking, so we did lots of talking about all the various possible outcomes that could happen. I didn't know that many tubes could be used in a person, even if they were on life support (which mom isn't, yet.) I am ashamed of being selfish. I'm not ready to lose her. I want to share her vast intelligence of the world, and her humor with my husband if/when he gets here. I hope she can live to meet him. I don't want to have to sell everything she and I ever owned just a month before my husband might come, and move twice in that time. Once to a boarding house and then once to an apartment when my husband's income and mine can be combined. Then I will want back all those things I had to sell. Oh...I guess I could rent a storage unit and put some things in there until I know for sure what the judge says about my husband. I guess writing these things down IS good therapy and can help you think of solutions to the problems.

I am praying the Lord will soften the judge's heart and that the Lord will also put the right words into the lawyer's mind and mouth. I just keep thinking that the judge will say that "3 years ago when we made this application for him to come to us for family hardship, there were 3 terminally ill people in the house, but now there will be only 1 (me), so maybe that's not considered a family hardship anymore." (Just that I will be homeless if I can't have his help and combined income.)

It frustrates me that if my husband was allowed to come 3 years ago, my Dad might still be alive and my Mom may not be dying now. Another case of government delays killing people. ( Just that I will be homeless without his help and his added income.) I am praying the Lord will also soften my landlord's heart to let me stay here until I know what's happening to my life.

Yes, I am imperfect, I have fear, but probably not as much fear as those who do not have a relationship with the Savior, and probably not as much fear as I would have had if this happened even 6 months ago. I have more trust. Maybe the Lord was waiting for that growth before He would make me go through this. I think that often He does give us lessons to prepare us for the next stage of our life.

So much is going on at once; and today it looks as if I might lose my mom, my home and my husband within a few weeks. Often God does not keep us from going through these crisises, but He does help us to bear them easier. I thank the Lord for the unbelievable quality of friends He has given me. What incredible gifts. Those relationships I can take with me to the next world, unlike worldly goods. Love doesn't die when the body dies. It is usually through other people that the Lord answers our prayers.

I am praying for most of you that I know well. You are still in my prayer journal.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009


Hi Precious friends, so many of you are earth angels, helping to carry me though this.

Also Heavenly Father has just been carrying me this past 8 days that Mom's been in the hospital. I have not been able to go out for 8 days in a row since 1 year ago when Dad and Mom were both in the hospital at the same time, and Dad passed away, then I had to keep going to prepare the funeral TWICE because there was a blizzard, and all the original speakers and guests couldn't get into town. (For you newbies, I can't get out every day due to advanced health problems.)
Well now it is blizzarding again. These conditions are just so similar to when Dad passed, I can't help but think "what if"...but doing that can make you crazy. You can "what if" yourself to insanity.
I spent 6 hours the past few days on legal work to get my husband home, and finish the work for the new lawyer before the court date in 3 weeks, then the other 6-10 hours a day, I am with Mom. I was glad I went today. They had switched doctors on her, and the new doctor changed around all her medicines that we worked so hard to get perfect in the first place. She could not even move or talk she was in so much pain. I insisted they get another doctor up there to change them back, because she was in so much pain that her blood pressure went high enough to cause a stroke. The new Dr. came and ordered more meds than before, so it will keep her blood pressure down and keep her out of pain, and ordered more tests and procedures. I was glad to be her advocate and be able to help her. I wish I could stay there with her 24/7 but I would have to have the bed next to her if I stayed that long.
They said they will do anything to avoid surgery, which would kill her...but they fear that her bowel might burst, which would mean emergency surgery anyway.
I know that my loving Savior will help me through anything that happens, but some things I just don't want to go through, such as losing Mom, losing this house just a month or so before my husband gets here, or losing the chance to get my husband here. If they happen, I'm sure I will survive, but I sure dread facing it all. Oh well, half the things we worry about never happen anyway, so I need to stop worrying. A year ago, I had a lot of anxieties, but so many online friends helped me grow, so now I only worry when I am really tired. Worrying about it now will just make me suffer twice if it does happen. Once now and once then. That's not smart...so I keep my mind busy with how I can prepare for the future, not fear it.
Blessings to you all,

Saturday, 21 February 2009


Thank you all who are praying! Please keep it up. Mom made it through the night. A new Dr. came to the hospital in the middle of the night with an idea of how to avoid surgery and how to lower her blood pressure. That was God speaking to the Dr.  Her other Dr. is a new Dr. that she has seen only once and he is from some African country, and has never seen a stoma or lupus or multiple drug allergies, and was so overwhelmed he was so scared of Mom that he did not even go visit her. I don't know if he asked for help or if the nurses noticed the Dr. was not doing anything, and asked another Dr. to help this foreign Dr. or what, but we are teaching the Dr. a lot. It seems mom and I do that, because of our weird medical problems. She is a bit more comfortable today but OH MY STARS SHE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT IN 1 WEEK THAT IT IS SCARY!
    Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings to you all as well,

Friday, 20 February 2009

More Pouring Rain (symbolically)

Hi Friends;

My family would appreciate your prayers. My mother is in the hospital in serious condition, I've been spending as many hours there as possible but that is not much. I come home sick enough to need the hospital myself, and just crash. Trying to pace myself so I can get there each day, beacuse I have always ended up too sick to visit her after day 3 when she was in the hospital before.I have no strength to do ANYTHING else, I even forget to eat other things that need doing in the house. This blog is the only emailing I'll be doing, so if you wrote to me and don't get a reply for a while, this is why.

Mom's bowel is blocked so badly that they fear it might burst, which would mean emergency surgery, which could mean death. They also have been giving her high blood pressure medicine but her blood pressure is so high that they fear she may have a stroke. I watched them take blood from her arm, and the blood made a clot even as they poured the blood from one container to another, so if she gets a clot in the hospital with that high blood pressure, she could die or be left an invalid.

I usually am not this afraid for her, she is so tough she has come through so much, but it seems a bit ironic that this illness happens just 1 month before I find out if I can get my husband here or not. I can't help wondering if the Lord was waiting for both my parents to die before he let my husband and I be together. I would rather have my husband with me WHEN my mom passes! I really don't want to trade both my parents for my husband. I want my husband to know my mother so much. She is so smart and funny, and could teach him so much.

Yes I'm being selfish, she surely has suffered enough, and my Dad who passed 1 year ago probably thinks he's not in heaven until my Mom is there with him, but we don't EVER want to lose someone we love.

I barely had strength to get up to the hospital again, then we got a 3 inch snowstorm, so I prayed for help to get all the snow off the car and have enough strength to walk the 1-2 kilometers from the parking lot to my Mom's hospital room. The Lord DID give me the strength, but I was so worried, I forgot to eat (I'm diabetic so that's dangerous) and forgot my morning meds, so I got sick and had to leave early. On the way home, my car broke, and I had tools in the trunk, so I prayed to know how to fix it, and it was amazing that I was just led, shown what to do in order to remove a part, then I called my brother on the cell phone who went to get the new part, and I put it back on! All this in the snow and cold, so I have a froggy voice, but wow the Lord carried me today!

I still have not heard from my new lawyer, and the days are quickly ticking by, so I may be preparing a funeral and legal case at the same time. What a mess.

Well it would be nice if the Lord could arrange for my husband to get here ASAP if Mom is going to pass away, but I don't want to go through 4 months alone dealing with all the estate planning etc. I wish I had a companion here with me if and when that happens.

Well, enough said. Thank you in advance for your prayers.


Sunday, 15 February 2009

The World's Most Dangerous Cake Recipe

RECIPE: 5 Minute Chocolate Mug Cake

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

*And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world ?*

Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any
time of the day or night!

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

The next test of "Delays Have a Purpose"

"Ok Lord, I am dense and forgetful, but I get it. Delays have a reason, and are all in your plans and hands....and all this year's repeated lessons, showing me that delays have a purpose, I think were meant to lead up to yesterday's emotional volcano. Thankyou Lord for teaching me this before you let me go through the meltdown."

I was hoping this would be the final big lesson about delays, but I have a feeling it won't be, as far as my life being in limbo, not being able to make many decisions until I know if and when I can get my husband here. There may be one more big dramatic letdown, but there may not be. We will see.

Yesterday was a very dramatic day that the Lord seemed to be preparing me for all year.

I was proofreading a huge project with a tight deadline and was stressed about getting it done in time. Then my lawyer (who is helping me with the court hearing to get my husband here) started shooting me multiple emails, each one telling me more things I needed to get done IMMEDIATELY. One was about work that I thought the lawyer should be doing, not me, but this whole 3 years that I've been with her, I feel like she has guided me to tell me what paperwork needs doing, but made me do the work. Sometimes I would submit things up to 4 times for various reasons. One reason she gave, was that all of the many attachments that I sent her could not be printed out on regular sized paper, so I needed to get copies of them all and send them to her by mail immediately, so she wouldn't have to spend an hour figuring out how to print it right. (The file was sent formatted for regular sized paper so I don't know what's up with her computer or printer.)

After about 10 emails, I got a call from the Legal Aid Society, which is a gov't organization who is paying my lawyer because I can't afford it. The lady from there said, "Did your lawyer tell you that she is no longer your lawyer?" I said, "WHAT? We are emailing right now so fast its like a conversation, and in 10 emails, she forgot to mention that little detail!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say or to think,so she said she'd call back in 15 minutes after I talk to the lawyer about it. I called her and said "I just got a call from legal aid that says you are no longer my lawyer. We've been on the computer for hours now and you didn't say one word about that. How can you not be my lawyer? We are working right now!"

She said that she didn't mean for me to be shocked by them, she meant to tell me when the paperwork was done and didn't know they would contact me so fast. It turns out that she isn't going to be a lawyer at all anymore. I wish her well, I know what a terrible stressful job it is and I am happy for her that she's getting out. We talked for a while about what I need to know for the court case in 1 month, then when I got off the phone, I had a little meltdown.

The spiritual side of me said "Well, all year the Lord taught me "delays have a purpose", so all the delays for the past 3 years have been for a purpose and in God's plan for our lives." But the physical side of me started shaking and crying in anger! I thought "If I had gotten a lawyer who was not burned out, would I have been done with this in 6 months? Maybe I would not have had to do hundreds of hours of paperwork, and THOUSANDS of pages, many repeated documents that my husband risked his life to get by getting into a courthouse in the war zone! All the ulcers, the anxiety attacks, the worsening health problems due to the delay and stress, all the nightmares, the tears, the loneliness, the horror of living through the war daily with my husband on the other side of the webcam, the feeling of hopelessness again and again...now I find out it didn't have to be that way if I would have gone with some other lawyer? OH I WAS MAD!

Then she sent me an email telling me what papers would be presented in court. THERE WERE ONLY 12 DOCUMENTS AND NONE OF THEM WERE THE ONES MY HUSBAND RISKED HIS LIFE FOR! Oh gosh I thought I'd explode! So when I calmed down, I wrote back and asked why none of my husband's documents were being used, and why the court only gets 12 documents, when I sent her almost 2000 pages of stuff over the years. She told me that those papers had ALREADY been sent to the court. Well that's ok then, but I wish she would have communicated that when she shockingly told me she wouldn't be using all the documents.

So here I am, after 3 years of waiting torture, 1 month before the court date, and my lawyer quits!

I thought I had to find a new immigration lawyer who will agree to take my case on such short notice, and will agree to be paid by Legal Aid instead of me. Well, legal aid had mercy, so did my lawyer, and they found one today. They went through 6 before they found one to say yes. I have to start over and try to convey 3 years of information to this lawyer within the next month so he can speak for me and present my case. I also wish my lawyer would have quit sooner so that the next lawyer could have helped me with the load of paperwork.

This could go either way. It might really hurt our case...or...it might be a miracle to have a lawyer who is ready to work.This is really a blow, to be dropped by my lawyer weeks before the court date. I will accept what happens as the Lord's will, even if it's not what I want, I guess life will go on, but I want to hope & believe that the Lord caused this lawyer to quit so that I COULD have a better chance in court, so things WOULD work out for us. Maybe the lady lawyer that is quitting would not have won my case.

Well the even with the 7 hours that the lawyer's fiasco took out of my day, the Lord helped me finish the big project half an hour early, and I was able to get the legal papers in the mail today. It seemed easier than ever before, as if the Lord was moving my arms and legs and mind. I think that's one of the few times that I felt like the Lord's strength kicked in when my strength gave out. I love this scripture that says "For when we are weak, then through Him, we are strong, (because He gives us His strength, so we do better than we could have done alone.) I have NO talent for memorizing which scripture and verse that's from. I just remember the


Oh well, it's almost over. 1 more month, then no more legal paperwork. I NEVER WANT ANOTHER LEGAL CASE IN MY LIFE! The workload and stress can kill a person and they don't even care, the case still goes on even if you drop dead.

Then we will wait up to 3 months after the court hearing to get a decision. Hopefully MUCH faster than that because any day my husband may be pulling out of his location to an unknown location. Everyone in that city are just deserting their homes and leaving. I'm ready for a change from the worries of war, and I think the Lord knows I'm near my limit, and He will help. I wish those poor people living in the war could escape it as easily as I will be able to when my husband gets home. I pray for them.


Saturday, 7 February 2009

The "Healed or sick" debate goes on!

    I have a circle of friends that this week we have all been trying to understand the reason for illness. One said he feels like he gets slapped in the face each time he goes to church, because the lessons are "If you accept Christ, you will feel joy and love and happiness and everything will be great." He can't even grasp those concepts when he is in such pain.
     The Lord actually didn't teach that. He taught that Christians might have MORE problems, but we have help with them. I think Satan awards those who follow him with money and any earthly thing they want, but it leads to spiritual emptiness, and I think those rewards they get on earth, if they don't find the Lord, will be the only rewards they get. We who seem to have missed the "millionaire lifestyle" but choose the spiritual life, will be rewarded eternally.
     Another friend is just sure that she is not healed because she has not developed her faith enough yet. I wonder what she will feel about herself if the Lord chooses to heal her later, not sooner, or maybe not at all. It is not only based on faith. It also has something to do with the Lord's will for your life. Perhaps there is a lesson you need to learn, or someone in your circle of friends, family or acquaintances will learn things from your illness.
     The Lord DOES have reasons for people being ill. If not, then He would not allow anyone to be ill.
     Another just wrote to me and said "OF COURSE we are all supposed to be healed. None of us are supposed to be sick!" Well If that's true, the Lord could cure all illness from the earth with one swipe of His hand. If there is no reason for illness, why doesn't He cure everyone. I'll tell you why. Because illness develops qualities in us that we need to learn.
    The earth is a school. Life is a school. We are supposed to learn as much as we possibly can. We are supposed to become the best being we possibly can. We are supposed to become as much like  God as possible. "Be ye therefore perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect." Life is a journey toward perfection, and there is still not enough time in 80 years to become perfect, so there is more time after we are resurrected to continue our learning and growing. In this life we only use 10% of our brain. Maybe in the resurrection we will develop powers we never knew were possible.
    What I wrote to the friend that said "Of course we are all supposed to be well!":
You said "Of course we are all supposed to be healed so none of us will be sick". I will have to kindly agree to disagree with you on that. My theory is that life is a school. We are here to learn as much as possible, and to become as much like God as possible. "Become ye therefore perfect, even as your father in heaven is perfect."
    So how would anyone learn compassion if no one in the world were sick?
     His number one message was to love one another and serve one another. How would we serve anyone if there was no one to serve? 
     His main message was of comfort to the poor and broken hearted and suffering. If we took out all the messages of the Lord that did not eventually lead to the subject of comforting, loving, serving those who need it, feeding those who are hungry, clothing those who are poor, we would have a very short new testament and short section of words from Jesus Himself.
   Everyone in the Bible was not healed, and often the cause for the illness was explained plainly. What about the prophet Paul? He had a "thorn in the flesh" that no one really found out what it was, we just suppose it could be this or that, but it was enough to make him suffer and keep asking the Lord for healing, and the Lord answered to Him  "MY STRENGTH WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU HAVE NO NEED OF HEALING." Why? Because when we have a weakness, we must lean on someone stronger than us. If we choose the Lord to lean on, then we are given some of his strength, and we do better than we would have done with only our own strength.
      There are lessons to be learned from being ill. Sometimes when the person has learned that certain lessen, THEN the Lord allows them to be healed. Sometimes he doesn't, because others learn from being around us and from being close to us. They learn patience and longsuffering and empathy and compassion and possibly even independence, because they have to do the things you can't do for them, and I'm sure there are a dozen other qualities people can learn from illness or from being  ill. I know one great lesson is that those who are in pain or living with someone in pain, very often become closer to God and out of the world. Our illness gives us time to "be still and know that He is". It makes us think of spiritual things, and eternal things rather than just worldly things. Sometimes God allows us to be sick or be in the family of a sick person so that we will come closer to him. God could cure everyone on earth with one swipe of his hand if he didn't want anyone on earth to be sick, so there MUST be a reason why some people never get healed. By chance do you think that you are sick because you just don't have enough faith? That is what a lot of churches are teaching people, and insulting us in the meantime who have more faith than they can imagine, but we have not yet been healed. Write when you can. Interested in reading your viewpoint.
Yes, I know the subjects we are supposed to avoid in order to keep friends are politics & religion. I guess I am getting controversial. Yes I do HOPE to be healed someday, and would welcome it, so I could live life seeing how the other half lives, the healthy half! But after years of fighting this illness, and making myself worse by fighting it, and fighting with God, and begging Him, questioning Him, beating myself up for not being "HOLY" enough, and then finally realizing that I was not going to be cured when I need it most, I had to accept that I have an illness, there must be a reason for it, I must learn to work around it, and try to learn as much as possible from it. Maybe if I learn enough, then I can be released of this beast of illness...and maybe not. We all know people with incurable diseases, some were born crippled and with health defects, and certainly those innocent babies cannot be blamed for being sick "because they did not have enough faith". Therefore, I have to disagree that we are all supposed to be well, that there is not supposed to be any illness in this life. I'll say it again. If illness was not meant to be part of this life, God would wipe it all away. Any comments?

Friday, 6 February 2009

The Edge of the Cliff

It says:

When GOD leads you to the edge of a cliff ,
Trust him fully.
Only one of the two things will happen:
either He will catch you when you fall
or he will teach you how to fly.

I thank Mel Avarilla for this poster.
See his blog at

Thursday, 5 February 2009

More Suicides of soldiers than killed in war!

In January there were more soldiers who killed themselves than were killed in war! These are soldiers who could not handle one more day of a war with no clear guidelines of what to do each day and who is the enemy and who is supposed to be protected, but most of them are people who were released with honor after a tour of duty, and now have been FORCED to re-enlist and go back. Those who say no are often sent to jail for treason, which is punishable by death, so others decide to skip the suffering of the legal system and just take their own lives!
    Men and women who are injured physically and emotionally, and deserve to be released from the hell they went through, they gave so much already,  and most have post traumatic stress disorder, and the government is forcing them to go back. So many are trying to immigrate to Canada to get out of that situation, or to other countries. Canada declines those applications, so some of those killed  themselves instead.
Suicide claiming more Utah Guard members than combat
Salt Lake Tribune, United States - Feb 3, 2009
The Utah guard lost three soldiers to suicide in 2005, four in 2006, one in 2007 and two in 2008. Officials said statistics from prior years were ...
SANDERS: Rising US military suicides tragic Fort Worth Star Telegram
US military suicide rate at record high World Socialist Web Site
Army Suicide Rate at 30-Year Peak JoinTogether.org
KFOXtv.com - Examiner.com
all 13 news articles »
More soldiers committed suicide in January than killed by Al Qaeda
New York Daily News, NY - 1 hour ago
Last week, Army officials said its suicide rates were at their highest in nearly 30 years. Last year, 128 soldiers committed suicide and another 15 ...
Army official: Suicides in January 'terrifying' CNN
Army Data Show Rise in Number of Suicides New York Times
US soldier suicides rise sharply in January AFP
United Press International - MSNBC
all 511 news articles »

More Adventures From Bed. (Umm that sounds bad. lol.)

The adventure of the day:

I live such an interesting adventurous life, with business and friends world-wide, from my bed, through the internet. I guess my bed is like my magic carpet. I thank the Lord SO often for letting me live in the age of Internet if I have to be stuck in a non-co-operating body. This month has been very unpleasant adventures, but I am learning lots of coping skills through it.
The most recent excitement: Today Hubby and I were translating/proofreading online as usual, and he said "OH I heard a bomb, going to check how close it was." he didn't come back for a while, then he calls on the phone, (messenger is still on in his other room) and tells me everyone in the house (including a 4 days old baby, 4 kids, people who came to stay in the city rather than the more dangerous rural areas of the now Taliban ruled areas) are hiding in the bathroom from the machine guns and bombs ....and then he calmly says... "But don't worry." AAACCKKKKK of COURSE I'M GOING TO WORRY! I won't worry about his life, because I know the Lord will protect him, because he has been saved from so many close calls so far, but I started crying, so sad about them all crying and scared and in danger. I was just shaking and praying for them all. I was really feeling their pain as I heard the machine guns and bombs in the background on the phone. My husband seemed to settle down quickly after the bombing ended but I still am drinking antacid and feel sad.

One year ago, the foothills of the Himalayan mountains was the REAL "Shangri-La", a hidden paradise on earth. Now it is a valley of death and torture.

Here, in this idyllic, serene vacation spot of the Himalayas, Islamic cult groups (which is what Taliban groups are) claim to represent their religion and defend their Islamic Laws. (Sharia). They usually do just the opposite, going against their own Quran and terrorizing their own neighbors, families, countrymen and supposed "brothers and sisters' in their own faith. These men act like the are possessed by evil spirits. Some of the things they do, I don't think a human mind could even think of such things to do. They are thoughts of the devil and evil spirits that belong to the devil.

Picture on the top left is a 10 minute walk from my husband's house where he walked daily for his exercise. It is now too dangerous to walk there. and you will find tanks and ammunition and camps of Taliban in that spot.

Picture on the right is one of the back alleys by the house my husband is in. Just through that alley is the market place, (Bazaar) where there are big signs that say "NO WOMEN ALLOWED". Shop keepers who allow women in will be shot. There are dead bodies hanging in the market, within vision of the food markets in the streets. That would lower your food bill! It would make you too sick to want to buy food! There are other things hanging there but I dare not mention it here, because it is disturbing to sensitive people.

The bottom picture is one of the destroyed schools. ALL schools are now destroyed or closed. Last month it was only the girls schools. This is directly against Islam's beliefs, who believe that education is the only way to learn about God and how you are supposed to live. I think Education is second on a Muslim's list of priorities. God, then education. So the Taliban are NOT upholding Islamic law.

Interesting fact: One man who belongs to the Taliban is called a Talib. It is the singular for the plural word of "Taliban". "A band of Talibs are called Taliban". They do not only attack "the west". They attack anyone.

I think I have been am a bit S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D by this war for 2 years now. I know we all are stressed, but this is a very unusual stress for someone in N. America to be going through, to be spending my days proofreading documents that talk about horrific atrocities that often send us to the bathroom to be sick, or we just have to stop for a break because of the shock of what we just translated. I feel almost as though I am in the war with him, but to a lesser degree. I am not alone in the fact of worrying about my husband. Every person in the world who has sent a military person there is going through that, and I feel like family with them. I know their thoughts and feelings.

This stress makes my illness worse...but its nothing compared to the strong people who are living there! I am learning all of the side affects of war and how it affects people's health in so many ways and how it changes day to day living and thinking. This area of people are a different culture of people than those in the same country surrounding them. They are so secluded they are called "A country within a country". They were very protected, innocent people about violence. Their culture forbids abuse and teaches courtesy in the EXTREME. They call it a tribal law and most people say that tribal law comes even before the Quran. Women have the rights to choose their mate and get divorced and to have careers, unlike most Muslim countries.

It seems ironic (and hard to understand) why the Taliban would bring horror to the most innocent people in that part of the world.

I am looking forward to getting my husband out of there, and we will no longer be doing documents each day that describes each atrocity in detail. We will change our translation work to more every-day documents. We have done our very small duty in helping to protect people from the Taliban. It does feel good to have been able to do something of global importance in this life. I think even prayer has great power and global influence. If that's all a person could do was to pray, it would be doing something that will have global influence.

Dr. Test Results

I went to the Dr. yesterday to find out about my test results for this 2 month long ordeal of attacks that feel worse than labor pains and kidney stones together. She's calling it "renal colic" with suspected very small stones the size of salt grains, suspecting that they are either coming out one after another every few hours and now every few days, or else there is one that is getting into the ureter and causing it to spasm up, then going back into the kidney, then going back into the ureter, in and out, causing repeated attacks. When that tube spasms up it can cause the bowels touching it to also spasm up, and I have so much scar tissue inside, that it pulls and tears on the scar tissue, so that's what is causing the pain that is the first pain to ever make me moan or yell into my pillow.
I asked her today if there was anything I could take during those attacks so I don't have to go to the hospital, something that would work fast. She offered one injectable medicine but I've tried that and it's useless to me.
( I wish she could write a standing order for the paramedics to just come give me a shot at home and leave me there at home, or if they MUST take me in, to have a standing order for IMMEDIATE pain relief, not 3-4 hours later...but they won't do that here.(Standing orders for ER).
She also asked why I didn't go to the hospital during these attacks. I said "Because I didn't want to go out into the freezing cold which makes the pain worse, then lay in the hospital for 3 or 4 hours in that pain that makes me scream, and its embarrassing to take a pillow and scream into the pillow in public, and I can't even speak for myself when I go alone, let alone defend myself, and I have to get up and walk out to the ambulance, which I was not able to do, and the Paramedics comment on my weight and make remarks if my hair is not washed or something. It's a horrible ordeal to deal with when you are screaming in pain and alone."
WHAT A DIFFERENCE TO HAVE A KIND DOCTOR!!--She said that I am probably the strongest and bravest patient she has ever had. She never had a patient with so many severely painful conditions stacked one on top of the other. When I get those attacks, I grit my teeth, which then also causes the trigeminal neuralgia, also unbearable pain.
Well I got some things changed in the ER protocol, maybe I can help get this changed too, to get standing orders for recurring problems.
Good news is that I get to cancel some very uncomfortable tests that were scheduled for the future. I'm glad to learn its nothing serious but I was PRAYING it would be something I could be treated for so I can build up my strength for my husband's return! Oh well, one day/hour at a time!
Thanks to 2 very inspired friends who have already walked the path that I am walking now, I am feeling much more peace and almost no fear about the future with or without my husband. That is a monumental growth for me. Mid march we finally get a court hearing so we can try to get him home SOON! I will be praying for the strength to even travel to the city the court session is in, and get through the 5 hour session. I have not sat up for 5 hours straight for years, I don't think. I'll be trying to make myself as strong as possible in every way for that day and for whatever comes after. I have to wait 3 months to 1 year for the court's decision. Isn't that insane? So I added more paperwork begging the judge for a speedy decision because of the extreme danger he is in and because of the extreme stress I go through with him, which might make me too useless to be a good wife if we wait too long. We'll see what Heavenly Father has planned.

Monday, 2 February 2009

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