LIFE --1 Hour At A Time!

Sunday, 23 December 2007

Drama, Drama, Always More Drama!

Three days ago I woke up in so much pain I didn't know how I would finish the urgent things that need done. I was considering going to the hospital. I finally got upstairs and Mom was also very sick and needed an ambulance, so I helped her get ready to go in the ambulance and went to be her advocate (if you don't take someone with you to this hospital, they neglect you.) I was glad to do it but wishing I had someone to take me to the E.R.
They sent her home and told her to go back the next day if she still didn't have a BM. Today is one month from the day Dad died, and today I was sick enough for the hospital again, but again Mom needed to go, so I took her, and they admitted her. This time though, I asked at the front desk if there was any way if I could sign myself in, but be seen in my Mom's room, instead of being separated in my own bed for many many hours. Usually they won't let me be with Mom if I ask that, but this time they did, so I got the medical help I needed while taking care of Mom.
She is talking about death a lot, and if the Lord is planning on taking her soon, I really hope He send a few more angels for Doug and I to bear it spiritually, emotionally and physically, financially. We will both be homeless if Mom dies, because disability income is not enough to live on alone.
So we won't be making any Christmas dinner. We will be opening gifts at the hospital and maybe eat lunch in the cafeteria there. They have turkey dinner that day.I hope Mom is here for 1 more Christmas at least.

Drama #2
My husband was near a building that exploded today due to a suicide bomber. God protected him AGAIN! He got a "percussion injury", where the air that is blasted hits you like a rock and makes a huge bruise and makes you fly through the air, and his ears are still ringing so he might have slight hearing damage. I am so sorry he has to live like that. I want him HOME and safe!...but I would not be very helpful to him right now. Maybe he is being delayed because we can't help each other the way we will need help right now. He will have PTSD for sure, the longer he stays, the worse it will be. Today he said he didn't know how he could stand this anymore, but we just do. We just keep waking up the next morning and we keep surviving.
Maybe he is being delayed by God because no man can live in a house with this much drama and crisis all the time. I don't want to ruin his life and make him unhappy by the hard lifestyle of living with a sick wife. He deserves children and I can't give him that. I'm finished with that. So hard to wait for him, and to wonder why the delay in him getting home.
I have an Aunt who barely ever talks to us because we have more dramatic crisises in 1 year than she has ever had in her life and she thinks its not possible or that we are making up all these things. Her crisis is to get a grass stain on her white pants.
I am SO exhausted, in so much pain, no one to help me or even to help Mom so I can rest enough...one of those times that I feel like I could die soon, but I won't. Lupus is a LONG severely painful existence. Lupus gets worse with stress, shutting down more organs. As soon as it hits the heart or liver or kidneys, you are getting close to death. My brother wonders about him dying soon too because all this stress is making his heart do crazy things...so wouldn't that be weird if all 4 of us died within a year or so of each other?
I thought God sent me a husband for strength to go through all these things with, but if I go through all these things alone, it shows I do not need a husband...but I would like the companionship. Maybe God is waiting until both parents have passed away, so I won't be lonely, but then Mom won't have to deal with living with a son-in-law. She really can't live alone anymore so we'd have to live with her to help her. I totally overthink things and constantly think "why". It wears me out. I'm going to go "lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise and fight again."
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE-EVE. LOL
Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 22:58 2 comments

Labels: faith, fibromyalgia, hospital, lupus, pain, prayer

Saturday, 22 December 2007

PEOPLE CAN BE VERY GOOD!

My life is so full of "coincidences" that I wouldn't believe it if it was not happening to me. Each one could make a good short story, but no one would believe that all these coincidences happen to one person. lol.

Last night I was making out the grocery list for our boxing day dinner, which we are having with my sister instead of Christmas dinner. I said we needed potatoes and I needed to call my sister to see if she had a turkey or if I needed to buy one. Just then the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, and no one was there, but I looked down, and there was a huge Rubbermaid square container with a turkey, turkey roaster, potatoes, stuffing, canned soup, veggies, fruits, mac and cheese, hot chocolate and more. I have NO CLUE who brought it. It might have been an agency such as the food bank or the church, or it might have been an individual who knew what a tough month/year we have had and will have for a little while yet...BUT WHAT A JOY!!! All the years I had given to other people secretly, it was such a joy to give, but usually I feel guilty about receiving so much. Not this time, since I am not even well enough to get to the grocery store before boxing day.

We also have been invited to someone's house for Christmas Eve (first time ever) and another house for Christmas Day, but I think I will invite them to our house instead for boxing day dinner. Life is looking up! Maybe the funeral reminded people that we are still here and alive, so we will have more of a social life. I think we will ask more people over for games or videos or visiting now. Dad was so against having company. Now we can have more people over, so we won't be so isolated, like the prison of the past 10 (ten) years. Thankyou Lord. What a blessing to know good hearted people!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 16:58 0 comments

Labels: faith, fibromyalgia, lupus, pain, prayer

Friday, 21 December 2007

Dear Second Family

Dear second family, we have another crisis.

Forgive me for asking for prayer again so soon. I woke up in severe enough pain for the emergency room, and so did Mom, but her needs were greater than mine, so I have been in and out of the emergency room with her every 8 hours or so all day and night and it could continue for a few days. Dad just died 3 weeks ago and she talks as if she thinks her husband can't live without her in heaven and is coming to get her. To make it worse, the government messed things up and declared HER dead instead of my Dad, so her retirement pension, drivers license, bank account have all been cut off, and we could be homeless before we get lawyers, accountants and politicians to make it right again, and I think she decided that was the last straw, she could not face that long expensive fight and the possibility of homelessness, so maybe she is giving up.

In our hospital, you do not go to the E.R. or even stay in the hospital without someone with you at all times or you are insulted and verbally abused and neglected. I wish I had someone who could go to the E.R. with me, I was in as much pain as she was when I took her. We need your prayers please. I know there is power in prayer and I feel it when others pray for us. I see it SO OFTEN that the other spouse dies shortly after the first, and I just don't have the strength to deal with that right now. We have not even put up any decorations and I have not gotten my children's and grandchildren's gifts wrapped and sent. We will just have to forget this Christmas. No matter how worn out and in severe pain I get from all this stress, I don't have anyone to go with me to the E.R. so I will really need some courage to face the severe pain at home or while in the E.R. with mom.

Thanks for being here. (Ohhhh I just looked outside, we are in the middle of a BLIZZARD!! I don't even have the strength to shovel enough to get to the car and to scrape off the car to get to the hospital. I guess I jinxed myself when I was trying to find something to be thankful for, and told someone at least I was grateful the snow had melted and I didn't have to shovel or scrape off the car before following the ambulance.)

Thanks so much for your prayers

Blessings, Sheila W

Posted by Bluebirdy at 04:19 1 comments

Labels: faith, fibromyalgia, lupus, pain, prayer

Friday, 14 December 2007

The WHY of my Miracle, and I learned something else.

As this picture shows...I have been being carried by the Lord through all of the storms this past year or more. Struggling, but it would be so much worse without my faith and His comfort.

I just got a phone call from a really spiritual friend of my mom's. She called accidentally, thinking I had a computer for sale! She left a message on my machine. I am so weepy today that I didn't want to call her back, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that this year I have been taught that there are NO mistakes, NO coincidences, that even the mistakes turn out to have some reason, so her call was for a reason, so I called her back. I told her I didn't have a computer, we figured out the mistake, then started talking about other things.

It's been such a horrible day, everything I tried to do or call or write or work on went wrong, and then my daughter emailed me, telling me to send her gifts and my grandsons gifts to her grandmother's house, because she didn't want me to know where she is living. It made me not want to send the gifts, because she has never once sent me a gift for anything, but I don't want my grandsons to suffer because of her cruelty. I have not done ANYTHING but love and support that girl. That just broke me for today.

The lady that called me meant to come to Dad's funeral but went to the wrong church, so she missed it. I told her how angry I was at myself for having such negative thoughts when I am in severe pain or on days like this when I am grieving and weeping. She said that when I am thinking negative, defeating thoughts (almost always when the pain or the grieving comes), that its because that is when I am weakest, and I need to pray for the Lord to please take those thoughts from me until He decides to make me stronger, because I can't bear them when I am so weak. I'll have to remember that. I'm sure others are as tired of my sadness and fears as I am, but now I know its because they hit me when I am weakest, and I need to pray harder during those times for protection from those ideas.

I have been asking why God gave me the miracle of no pain for a week BEFORE Mom and Dad got sick, instead of when I needed it the most. If there was ever a time when I needed no pain and a positive outlook and strength, it was through their illness and Dad's passing and the funeral. Now I can see that if God had given me that week of no pain while mom and dad were both sick, then I would not have felt the emotional strength of joy and that I can do anything, and how beautiful life and the world are, and all the other wonderful clear thoughts that came to me. If that week of no pain would have come while they were sick, I would have still had the emotional sadness and stress, and would not have known how different life is without severe pain. I love learning new things, even if it takes pain to learn them. I pray this lesson stays with me. I hate that I forget so much of what life has taught me because of fibrofog and painfog, and I ask God to keep reminding me.

Blessings to you all, thanks for your love during this difficult time of grieving and fearing that I will lose my husband and mom and everyone else too. (Just a fear of losing others because I just lost Dad.)

Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 20:13 0 comments

Labels: faith, fibromyalgia, lupus, pain, parents, prayer