LIFE --1 Hour At A Time!: lupus. faith

Hello all;

They say the higher the climb, the harder the fall...so after my weeks and weeks of feeling like I had a new life given to me due to D-ribose con

trolling my fibromyalgia, then getting a severe lupus flare-up, I am pretty low.

I've spent a week trying to decide whether to even ask your opinions or not... I'm kind of ashamed for needing someone to help me think things out, but we all need a "sounding board" sometimes I guess.

For those who don't know me, 1.5 years ago I was given 1 year to live due to end stage lupus, and I have almost a dozen other serious conditions caused by lupus destroying various organs in my body; and lately found a supplement that changed my life and made me feel alive again by controlling my fibromyalgia and healing many things in my body. It also changed my daughter's life, and now my Mom and even her Dr. are trying it. It's called D-ribose and it is responsible for literally thousands of functions in the body, and I am sure God led me to find it, because I actually bought it by accident instead of something else. There are other posts about D-ribose below in my blog.

If I was superstitious, (I'm not)...I would think that when I started proclaiming my miracle of such a turnaround in my health and life, I might have jinxed myself. Although I am still fibromyalgia free when I take the D-ribose, I got smacked off my feet with one of the worst lupus flares I have had in years. Yes its my own fault because I thought I felt so good that for the first time ever, I did too much, and so now I'm paying for it. I did all the Canadian Thanksgiving shopping and cooking myself. In my first marriage I had my mother-in-law's help because we entertained up to 30 people at a time. This time it took me 3 days of cooking/resting until I got it done, then I was too sick to eat it, but I made my brother so proud he cried. lol. He's been the cook and chef for Mom, Dad and I since I moved back home with them, but he quit cooking for us when Dad died 10 months ago.

Also I have been overwhelmed with legal work to try to get my husband home ASAP for compassionate reasons. I have been doing the work my lawyer should be doing for me, and I have done 1200 pages of documents this week.

I was so busy working or collapsing that I didn't have time to write to anyone. I can't keep up with my email anymore which takes 8-12 hours a day. I don't have a secretary and staff like my lawyer does does, and most of what she wants me to send IMMEDIATELY are things I sent her up to 4 times before. Some of the papers are almost impossible to get new originals of, like papers that were notarized in the court over in the area that my husband is living. She just keeps claiming she didn't get them, but for many I have a photocopy, which means I sent her the original. I just broke down and cried yesterday to my hubby. I was so tired and overwhelmed and getting cold feet wondering if I could even be a wife if I am this sick every day.

I am still grateful for finding the control for the fibro, because if I had to fight fibro along with this, I would not be able to even move.

I think that because I am so tired (slept 1 hour in 72) and in pain that I am not able to think things through clearly, so I need some feedback. I realize not everyone here has the same beliefs as me, but I feel very close to my Lord personally, so I feel a bit hurt/confused, even betrayed, or cheated, like I had been given a precious new life and then had it taken away again, and as if He WANTS me to suffer and not be able to feel human or alive or able to care for myself. That hurts my feelings so much, because I try so hard to be thankful to Him for everything, and was so grateful to start to feel what normal people feel like and think like without constant pain and exhaustion. I had gotten hope again that I could be a good wife to my husband when he comes home from the war zone; now I have doubts again now that I am so sick, but I still have faith that God will supply my strength for each day. We'll get through somehow, one day/one hour at a time. I just wanted life with my husband to be so much better than it can be at this level of suffering. Do you think God wants me to suffer? That he would take away what I thought was the first steps to a new life? I just don't know how to interpret this spiritually. Yes I believe there's a reason for everything, but I just feel like a child whose parent took away something like leg braces or eyeglasses that I would need to function in life. (I can just hear a few of my male friends now saying 'Wow, women just over-think everything!') lol.

I even feel guilty about not being able to understand this right now or wondering what God is doing...but it's a normal human reaction I think, especially when I am too sick to sort things out for myself.

Any thoughts?
Bless you all--

Bluebirdy