Written Nov 8?Don't know what day it is.
When this war is over, and my husband is with me, when this pain becomes bearable, I still have the picture in my mind of the person I wanted to become. I remember even at 12, at 15, at 25, at 35, an exact image in my mind of the person I wanted to become. At 21 when I had my first near death experience, I was so disappointed that I had not yet become that person, that I told the spirit who talked to me how ashamed I was. I told him I would not go back to earth if I could not even take care of my family or serve the Lord the way I was sent to earth to do. He showed me the woman I would become. Wise, smiling, warm, loving, and loved in return. I told the spirit I would have to stick around just to see that happen, because I could barely believe I would become that person. I was almost glowing! Honest, a loyal friend to all, close to Heavenly Father, and satisfied with what I had, whether it was a little or a lot. I saw my husband with me, so when he left me at age 37, I couldn't believe my whole life's plan, myself, God's promise to me had been destroyed as if in a bomb. I had a nervous breakdown, and everything about me changed, except for my love for my Heavenly Father. I even forgot the person I wanted to become. Now, 10 years later, I can see that person again.
It's 10 days now of this pain. I had to look it up one more time just to make sure I was not creating this pain somehow myself. As in most websites, it says
"TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia) is a nerve disorder of unknown origin that causes sudden shock-like facial pains, typically near the nose, lips, eyes or ears. It is said to be the most excruciatingly painful human condition in the world."
No, I guess I am not being as big of a baby as I blame myself of being. Then when we add complications from the oral surgery, with infection from my sinus, to jaw, down to glands in the neck, and the skin graft to go over the hole, which was taken from the area of the damaged nerve, then the dentist giving me the wrong antibiotic for 3 weeks, so I had a short time of getting stronger, and then came the time when I can barely lift my head off my pillow. I stayed away from the E.R. because I hate going so much. I don't want to ask anyone, and when you go alone, they are so cruel, as if they want to scare you from coming again, because "obviously", if you come alone, you must not be very sick. I guess they can't imagine that someone has no friends in the city, and their family are all too sick. I thank heaven that this time the doctors were quick and kind.
I lay here and think "THERE CAN NOT BE SUCH HORRIBLE PAIN THAT LASTS SO LONG! How can it be possible?" I asked my Dr. yesterday if this is what his cancer of the jaw felt like. He said that his jaw cancer was terrible pain, but still its not as bad as what I am going through." I told him I was praying it was a temporary infection, because if its permanent, I will want to chop off my head and I will understand how TN patients sometimes go out of their mind and run into traffic or do other things accidentally, or maybe even on purpose. That's why its called the suicide disease.
I pictured what cancer patients look like at the very end, moaning, writhing in pain, no amount of morphine is enough for the pain. They can't think anymore, or eat, or even be called "living". So how do they deal with THEIR pain? Does their heart just stop from too much pain? Sometimes, but more often, more morphine is given to try to ease the pain, until eventually the morphine is what causes the body to shut down, not the cancer pain. Usually it is made easier because there is a loved one nearby who cares. There is someone
nearby to help with a drink of water or to be washed or to get brought medicine, or a hot or cold pack for the pain, or kind words, or to be read to, or to turn on music. They are not there completely alone like I am. I want my husband with me, but I don't want him to suffer by being with a sick wife, or suffer because he doesn't know how to care for himself in this society yet. I think I would feel much worse for making someone else suffer, so it is better that I struggle alone. I know God is with me, but at times like this, you sometimes need someone with hands and skin to be with.
Mom is upstairs, but she is sick too. I won't bother her about this pain. Every other day or so, she comes to see if I need some ensure nutrition drink. She is much better to me now. Until about 7 months ago, she would not even check on me when I went unconscious for more than 2 days from diabetes, and never in her life had brought me a glass of water, but now we are more caring of each other WHEN WE CAN BE. Often her pain is too bad to think of anything but the pain also.
My oldest daughter wants to disown me, so I won't see her children either, so I have not figured out the joy of having children yet. I get joy from hearing about the antics of my youngest's little one, but I won't be seeing her or her children either, unless I get well and wealthy, so I'm losing reasons to stick around. I know its just the pain talking. I can't even lift my head. I'm thankful my monitor is beside my bed and my keyboard and mouse are on my bed.
In July, when I was told I had 1 year to live, I started a new journey for myself. One of learning to be the kind of person I used to be. To be positive and courageous and funny and encouraging, the person I was before the divorce, before everything in me was destroyed. It was as if my ex had pulled the pin on a hand grenade, opened my mouth, closed it, let it go off inside me, like in a cartoon, and smoke came out my ears, and everything in me was destroyed, and my ex walked away laughing, and I was left standing there, expecting to heal all the pieces myself, since he took me from my family in another country and only let me see them 4 times in 20 years. Then his family, most of whom that I loved so much, and took them as my family, immediately stopped talking to me, as if I was the adulteress, as if he was innocent. I didn't even see it coming. Now, 10 years later, I am rebuilding, but it seems so slowly.
The world has changed. Attitudes have changed. Physical health has changed. People dress more casual, work more hours, have single parent households, and don't seem have time to teach their children or spend time with them. Marriages have become so very selfish, so they break up easier.
If a spaceship from another planet visited Earth in the 1960s, then returned now, they would probably say "Well, it looks like the same place on the map, but it just CAN'T be the same planet. NOTHING is the same! It's so dark and dirty and the creatures are so much lower and have no civilization or manners or kindness."
The kind of person I wanted to be wanted to go everywhere, see everything, learn everything, speak every language, hear every song, every story, smell every flower, taste every food, get to know every culture, completely design my own home, design even the fabrics, furniture, dishes, clothes, carpets, and take care of my husband like he was a prince. Well that one I DID achieve. He did not have to do anything...and now that I burned out my body on him, the new wonderful man that God has sent me, will not get that kind of attention that he deserves. The poor man. He deserves so much more than I can give him. My ex wore me out then threw me away like a used Kleenex.
Now I can see the purpose for the divorce, and now I love so much stronger, see things so much clearer, and God sent me a soul mate that I had so much in common with, that I could never have found him without God sending him to me. He is such a wonderful, loving man, who loves God as much as I do, and God knew that's what I wanted was someone who loved God like I do. He is from a different culture, so he does not think of divorce the way others do, so quickly. He knows marriage CAN be for life, because that's the only way its done in his culture. Its terrifying to marry and have a long distance relationship, but there is a purpose, and it is a growing experience. I want to write a book about our dramatic love story. Its so dramatic, people will think its fiction, but reality is so much more unbelievable than fiction sometimes. We appreciate every moment with each other, because he could die at any time from war, and I could die at any time from illness, so our love is more intense.
They say time heals all wounds. Time heals NOTHING. It is only working on your feelings, working out how to get strong again, and overcome your traumas that changes things. If you don't do these things, then 20 years later you could still be stuck in the same place as the day the trauma happened.
I did that kind of work on myself, and having someone love me unconditionally helped immensely also.
I was hyperactive and wanted to do everything perfectly, and take care of people as a nurse, and entertain guests, and dance and sing and act and every year have a different occupation so I could learn more and more.
In that first near death experience, When I said I didn't want to go back to earth if I would only be useless and couldn't serve the Lord, the spirit told me "Even if it got to the point that you were completely bedridden, the Lord would find a way for people to be sent to you so you could help them." This was long before home computers were invented. I never imagined the spirit meant that I WOULD become bedridden. I thought he was giving an example, but you know, I am so thankful to be living in the days of the internet. I am such a knowledge hog, and I can learn 24 hours a day from my computer, in my bed, and have friends all over the world to help. Even if I were rich and healthy, I could not travel the world to help people like I am doing now.
I am eager to start exercising and getting stronger and preparing for my husband to come home and getting healthy enough to visit my children, and work toward being all the things I planned to become. Now I probably can't do them with as much energy as I first planned, but I can still have goals and plans and work on my weak points and become that woman I have always seen in my mind.
I hope the pain eases up soon so I will not be flat on my back, and I can help cook for mom and Doug, and go see Dad, and get strong enough to serve others, serve God, and enjoy life.
Pain seems to erase all positive thoughts unless there is someone there to remind you, or if you are able to read something positive. I have about 1 hour a day now that I can read or write, and that time is almost up, so I will end this novel now.
I hope soon I can start typing my award winning writing into my blogs. I have had over 100 magazine articles published. I have not written for many years, but just got old articles re-published in other magazines. I guess this blog is good to retrain myself to write again.
Will my husband be allowed out of his country if he gets his visa? Will God help me to help him? Can't help hubby, mom or Dad, my very generous brother who needs love so much and doesn't know how to accept it, I am of no use here the way I am right now. Gosh I'm now too tired to think.
Still with the greatest pain I am feeling, I am thankful that the dentist might have saved my life, by removing the infected tooth. Without that, I would not be thinking of any future at all. I did get a miracle, even if it hurts for a while.
Bye for now.
Bluebirdy
