My lupus returned with a vengeance, seemingly to make up for all the days that I had without much pain. I've been doubled up, unable to think much more than "Lord, please help, or make it stop" until just a few hours ago. I didn't know a person could have so much pain and still stay conscious. I don't even want to go to the E.R. for pain relief because I would have to go alone, and don't have the strength to defend myself in this crazy hospital. My heart and kidneys are causing more symptoms than I can bear all at once; but STILL no depression! This is SOOO wonderful to have a clear mind and no fear! Usually intense pain and days without sleep leave me unable to think, and fearful of the future, but this time it is different, and it is wonderful. It is so much easier to handle the pain and every other trial in life when the depression is gone. Now I know what a huge factor depression can be in the decisions a person makes and how a person bears trials. I am thanking our very loving Lord very often for this, still a partial miracle. There's no explainable way a person can go to sleep crying and praying, and wake up free of pain and depression that has been there for 10 years! I have experienced many such partial healings in my life. It is a sure sign that there is a creator who hears us and cares about our trials. I should have passed away long ago. Last July I was given 1 year to live, so at the end of next month, I can silently smile in smugness that the Dr. was wrong. (I know that's not very nice, but I'm not perfect yet, the Lord's not finished with me yet. lol) I will go when the Lord wants me to, not when a man decides. Technically, I guess he was right, I did die when my heart stopped in April, but I' m still here. Every time a Dr. gives me an amount of time, he will say "I don't expect you to live more than 2 years or 1 year", and I think "So? Then my heart will stop, I will have another near death experience, and I will be sent back to earth to finish what I was sent here to learn or to do."
I have written to the highest up official in Canada (who would be in charge of getting my husband home) to get my husband here because of family hardship. I wasn't getting far with a lawyer, because the lawyer demanded HUNDREDS of hours of paperwork that I totally burned out on doing. I will keep contacting that office every 2 weeks to keep them remembering me so something will be done SOON. Without this depression, I DO feel like I could be a wife after all. If my husband helps with the physical things, I can help him re-adjust to life. I don't know how bad his post traumatic stress disorder will be, but he's taking meds for it, and from when I try to call him to wake him up, I know he sleeps like a rock, so I hope he doesn't have bad nightmares, etc. It will be a big adjustment for him, and I can be his emotional pillow, if he helps with the physical duties.
It's amazing and refreshing to realize that when the depression is gone, and when your mind is freed from constant pain, you can start to look around you at how things look or how they should look, you can find new interests. It is so very enlightening to now understand how people in chronic pain think and feel when pain overtakes their whole existence. When my mind was freed from the pain enough that I could think of other things, I could think of sewing, decorating, cooking, gardening, and could see things that needed cleaning and improving like I could not see when I was suffering. I bought many patterns that are out of print, by my favorite pattern designer, Khaliah ALi (Muhammad Ali's daughter) and bought some of the most beautiful fabric I ever saw, and I discovered something that I think will be my new hobby and interest! I have always loved learning how housewives did things before the days of modern appliances or cleaning products. I always thought I was born in the wrong era (except that I am so very grateful to live in the age of internet). There are many websites about retro-housewife and vintage housewife etc. with old pictures from the 1950s and before, showing how women did their hair or cleaned or cooked things before packaged food was available, and what they used for medicine and cleaning products, and all the old wives tales that had some wisdom to them, that have not been passed down to any generation since the 1970s. They fascinate me. I love the femeninity of the clothes and hairstyles and the joy they took in their homemaking profession. I even love the old fashioned aprons. You'll probably see more of this in the future...if the Lord allows me to have enough time not overwhelmed with pain. I found a new author who I would like to collect all of her 25 books. Her name is Alexandra Stoddard. I told my sister this, who I was not raised with, because she left home when I was small, and she told me that is her favorite writer too, and she DOES have all of her books! Strange isn't it? I have spent all this time taking care of spiritual things, so I didn't really have a chance to take care of how things look or appear, didn't really have the strength to make my home look beautiful since I moved back to Canada 10 years ago...so maybe now life can be a bit more balanced and I can concentrate on the little inexpensive joys of life as well as spiritual things.
I get by, with my Lord, and with a little help from my angel friends, each one hand picked by the Lord. What precious, eternal jewels our friends are. We can't take anything with us when we go, but we will forever have or friends when we all meet again in the next world.
These BEAUTIFUL graphics that say "God bless my online friends" were made by a dear, artistic genius, online friend, Helen Goens. Thanks TONS HELEN!