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Sunday, 23 December 2007

Drama, Drama, Always More Drama!

Three days ago I woke up in so much pain I didn't know how I would finish the urgent things that need done. I was considering going to the hospital. I finally got upstairs and Mom was also very sick and needed an ambulance, so I helped her get ready to go in the ambulance and went to be her advocate (if you don't take someone with you to this hospital, they neglect you.) I was glad to do it but wishing I had someone to take me to the E.R.
They sent her home and told her to go back the next day if she still didn't have a BM. Today is one month from the day Dad died, and today I was sick enough for the hospital again, but again Mom needed to go, so I took her, and they admitted her. This time though, I asked at the front desk if there was any way if I could sign myself in, but be seen in my Mom's room, instead of being separated in my own bed for many many hours. Usually they won't let me be with Mom if I ask that, but this time they did, so I got the medical help I needed while taking care of Mom.
She is talking about death a lot, and if the Lord is planning on taking her soon, I really hope He send a few more angels for Doug and I to bear it spiritually, emotionally and physically, financially. We will both be homeless if Mom dies, because disability income is not enough to live on alone.
So we won't be making any Christmas dinner. We will be opening gifts at the hospital and maybe eat lunch in the cafeteria there. They have turkey dinner that day.I hope Mom is here for 1 more Christmas at least.

Drama #2
My husband was near a building that exploded today due to a suicide bomber. God protected him AGAIN! He got a "percussion injury", where the air that is blasted hits you like a rock and makes a huge bruise and makes you fly through the air, and his ears are still ringing so he might have slight hearing damage. I am so sorry he has to live like that. I want him HOME and safe!...but I would not be very helpful to him right now. Maybe he is being delayed because we can't help each other the way we will need help right now. He will have PTSD for sure, the longer he stays, the worse it will be. Today he said he didn't know how he could stand this anymore, but we just do. We just keep waking up the next morning and we keep surviving.
Maybe he is being delayed by God because no man can live in a house with this much drama and crisis all the time. I don't want to ruin his life and make him unhappy by the hard lifestyle of living with a sick wife. He deserves children and I can't give him that. I'm finished with that. So hard to wait for him, and to wonder why the delay in him getting home.
I have an Aunt who barely ever talks to us because we have more dramatic crisises in 1 year than she has ever had in her life and she thinks its not possible or that we are making up all these things. Her crisis is to get a grass stain on her white pants.
I am SO exhausted, in so much pain, no one to help me or even to help Mom so I can rest enough...one of those times that I feel like I could die soon, but I won't. Lupus is a LONG severely painful existence. Lupus gets worse with stress, shutting down more organs. As soon as it hits the heart or liver or kidneys, you are getting close to death. My brother wonders about him dying soon too because all this stress is making his heart do crazy things...so wouldn't that be weird if all 4 of us died within a year or so of each other?
I thought God sent me a husband for strength to go through all these things with, but if I go through all these things alone, it shows I do not need a husband...but I would like the companionship. Maybe God is waiting until both parents have passed away, so I won't be lonely, but then Mom won't have to deal with living with a son-in-law. She really can't live alone anymore so we'd have to live with her to help her. I totally overthink things and constantly think "why". It wears me out. I'm going to go "lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise and fight again."
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE-EVE. LOL

Bluebirdy

Saturday, 22 December 2007

PEOPLE CAN BE VERY GOOD!

     My life is so full of "coincidences" that I wouldn't believe it if it was not happening to me. Each one could make a good short story, but no one would believe that all these coincidences happen to one person. lol.
     Last night I was making out the grocery list for our boxing day dinner, which we are having with my sister instead of Christmas dinner. I said we needed potatoes and I needed to call my sister to see if she had a turkey or if I needed to buy one. Just then the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, and no one was there, but I looked down, and there was a huge Rubbermaid square container with  a turkey, turkey roaster, potatoes, stuffing,  canned soup, veggies, fruits, mac and cheese, hot chocolate and more. I have NO CLUE who brought it. It might have been an agency such as the food bank or the church, or it might have been an individual who knew what a tough month/year we have had and will have for a little while yet...BUT WHAT A JOY!!! All the years I had given to other people secretly, it was such a joy to give, but usually I feel guilty about receiving so much. Not this time, since I am not even well enough to get to the grocery store before boxing day.
     We also have been invited to someone's house for Christmas Eve (first time ever) and another house for Christmas Day, but I think I will invite them to our house instead for boxing day dinner. Life is looking up! Maybe the funeral reminded people that we are still here and alive, so we will have more of a social life. I think we will ask more people over for games  or videos or visiting now. Dad was so against having company. Now we can have more people over, so we won't be so isolated, like the prison of the past 10 (ten) years. Thankyou Lord. What a blessing to know good hearted people!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Bluebirdy

Friday, 21 December 2007

Dear Second Family

 
Dear second family, we have another crisis.
     Forgive me for asking for prayer again so soon. I woke up in severe enough pain for the emergency room, and so did Mom, but her needs were greater than mine, so I have been in and out of the emergency room with her every 8 hours or so all day and night and it could continue for a few days. Dad just died 3 weeks ago and she talks as if she thinks her husband can't live without her in heaven and is coming to get her. To make it worse, the government messed things up and declared HER dead instead of my Dad, so her retirement pension, drivers license, bank account have all been cut off, and we could be homeless before we get lawyers, accountants and politicians to make it right again, and I think she decided that was the last straw, she could not face that long expensive fight and the possibility of homelessness, so maybe she is giving up.
    In our hospital, you do not go to the E.R. or even stay in the hospital without someone with you at all times or you are insulted and verbally abused and neglected. I wish I had someone who could go to the E.R. with me, I was in as much pain as she was when I took her. We need your prayers please. I know there is power in prayer and I feel it when others pray for us. I see it SO OFTEN that the other spouse dies shortly after the first, and I just don't have the strength to deal with that right now. We have not even put up any decorations and I have not gotten my children's and grandchildren's gifts wrapped and sent. We will just have to forget this Christmas. No matter how worn out and in severe pain I get from all this stress, I don't have anyone to go with me to the E.R. so I will really need some courage to face the severe pain at home or while in the E.R. with mom.
     Thanks for being here. (Ohhhh I just looked outside, we are in the middle of a BLIZZARD!! I don't even have the strength to shovel enough to get to the car and to scrape off the car to get to the hospital. I guess I jinxed myself when I was trying to find something to be thankful for, and told someone at least I was grateful the snow had melted and I didn't have to shovel or scrape off the car before following the ambulance.)
Thanks so much for your prayers
Blessings, Sheila W

Friday, 14 December 2007

The WHY of my Miracle, and I learned something else.







As this picture shows...I have been being carried by the Lord through all of the storms this past year or more. Struggling, but it would be so much worse without my faith and His comfort.

I just got a phone call from a really spiritual friend of my mom's. She called accidentally, thinking I had a computer for sale! She left a message on my machine. I am so weepy today that I didn't want to call her back, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that this year I have been taught that there are NO mistakes, NO coincidences, that even the mistakes turn out to have some reason, so her call was for a reason, so I called her back. I told her I didn't have a computer, we figured out the mistake, then started talking about other things.


It's been such a horrible day, everything I tried to do or call or write or work on went wrong, and then my daughter emailed me, telling me to send her gifts and my grandsons gifts to her grandmother's house, because she didn't want me to know where she is living. It made me not want to send the gifts, because she has never once sent me a gift for anything, but I don't want my grandsons to suffer because of her cruelty. I have not done ANYTHING but love and support that girl. That just broke me for today.


The lady that called me meant to come to Dad's funeral but went to the wrong church, so she missed it. I told her how angry I was at myself for having such negative thoughts when I am in severe pain or on days like this when I am grieving and weeping. She said that when I am thinking negative, defeating thoughts (almost always when the pain or the grieving comes), that its because that is when I am weakest, and I need to pray for the Lord to please take those thoughts from me until He decides to make me stronger, because I can't bear them when I am so weak. I'll have to remember that. I'm sure others are as tired of my sadness and fears as I am, but now I know its because they hit me when I am weakest, and I need to pray harder during those times for protection from those ideas.


I have been asking why God gave me the miracle of no pain for a week BEFORE Mom and Dad got sick, instead of when I needed it the most. If there was ever a time when I needed no pain and a positive outlook and strength, it was through their illness and Dad's passing and the funeral. Now I can see that if God had given me that week of no pain while mom and dad were both sick, then I would not have felt the emotional strength of joy and that I can do anything, and how beautiful life and the world are, and all the other wonderful clear thoughts that came to me. If that week of no pain would have come while they were sick, I would have still had the emotional sadness and stress, and would not have known how different life is without severe pain. I love learning new things, even if it takes pain to learn them. I pray this lesson stays with me. I hate that I forget so much of what life has taught me because of fibrofog and painfog, and I ask God to keep reminding me.


Blessings to you all, thanks for your love during this difficult time of grieving and fearing that I will lose my husband and mom and everyone else too. (Just a fear of losing others because I just lost Dad.)


Bluebirdy

Sunday, 9 December 2007

WARNING- (Could apply to any invisible illness)


TEN ANGELS
















































Laughing at Chronic Illness

Laugh!


 

Let's face it. . . chronic illness can have its humorous moments if we look for them.

You know you have a chronic illness when...
  • You understand all the medical terminology discussed on the T.V. show Grey's Anatomy.
  • When you hear the term "Club Med" you automatically think of the hospital.
  • You ask your child to open the "child-proof" bottles of medicine because your hands are too sore.
  • Your medical records have to be transported on a cart.
  • To entertain people at parties you recite the side effects of medications as if you are the voice over on a commercial.
  • Your favorite Oprah program is when Dr. Oz is on.
  • To get rid of boredom on road trips, your whole family can go through the alphabet and name a drug that starts with each letter of the alphabet.
  • When you're unable to sleep because of pain, you watch "The Jerry Springer Show" and feel like you actually have a life.
  • Your spelling has improved dramatically, especially on words like "fibromyalgia" and "osteoporosis."
  • Or you've been "Around the World in Thirty Minutes" with CNN's Headline News 57 times in one sitting.
  • You have a panic attack in public and say, "Praise God this is only the fourth one today!"
  • You're invited to the wedding of the gal who works at the hospital lab.
  • You're child thinks watching you do injections of medication is "cool."
  • You have a flashback and don't know what happened and can honestly say, "I don't know where I was or what I was doing but I'll make
    something up if you'd like."

 

Top 10 things NOT to say to a chronically ill person

See the Rest Ministries/HopeKeepers T-shirt with this saying on the back!

10. You can't be in that much pain
9. Stop being lazy and get a job
8. You just want attention
7. Your illness is caused by stress
6. No pain. . . no gain!
5. It's all in your head
4. If you just got out of the house...
3. You're so lucky to get to stay in bed all day.
2. Just pray harder
1. But you look so good!

 

Reprinted with permission of Lisa Copen, Copyright 2007, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, http://www.invisibleillness.com

I thought my heart problem was cured, but...

I  guess it's not. I had to get a blood test a few days ago, an arterial blood gas. Its quite a painful test because they have to find an artery instead of a vein by feeling your pulse, and the arteries are usually wrapped in nerves, so when they poke it with  a needle, it just makes you hold your breath in pain. Anyway it took them quite a while to find a good artery, because my pulse was so erratic (irregular), which is what the problem was when I started this blog. My oxygen is still low, but I don't use the oxygen as much as I used to. I should have worn it today when I went out. Its freezing cold out, yet I was sweating from weakness. The problem is, the oxygen tank is in a shoulder pack, and if I barely have the strength to walk around without it, it is much harder to walk around carrying that heavy thing.
     Still they won't even offer me any medication that others with arrhythmia get, as if they are hoping I will die sooner. VERY SCARY to think that "the system" might have the power to let me die soon, ruining the lives of those who love me.
      I still don't think the Dr. knows when I will die. God will decide...but the more stress that happens, the closer I will move towards dying. I don't fear death at all, but knowing the pain that we are all feeling with Dad's death, I  don't want to cause anyone that kind of pain.
      I worry that hubby will get killed over there in the war zone, or that he will be delayed so long that I will not be much of a wife by the time we get together. I am doing everything in my power to get healthier and stronger, but maybe God has other plans.
     There is still the possibility that Mom could die soon. I thought since God found me a husband, that He found me a companion to be with me through these most traumatic times. I guess not. It does make me wonder about being a wife at all, if I  will not be getting any help, and I will be doing all the giving, like in my first marriage. I don't yet have the strength to even live a half way normal life or take care of my basic needs, nevermind trying to take care of someone else's needs who is going to be somewhat helpless for a while and might have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) on top of everything else.
     Ok here I go with my bad habit again. I am "what if"ing myself to death. We can't see the future. Its crazy to make yourself sick worrying about all that COULD happen. We need to hope for the best, envision the best, plan and work for the best, and live one day, one hour at a time, enjoying the moment. I used to worry so much about the future that I forgot to enjoy the present. Trying to kick that habit.
     I have really done a good job of taking in every moment and really feeling all of it, which makes life so much richer. Took a lot of reading and studying to change how I think. Hopefully I will continue improving with the way I think about life. It hard enough without adding more worries that are unnecessary.
     We have no interest or energy to decorate for Christmas this year. I think we need the joy that the decorations will bring, but we don't have the strength. The gifts that I am sending to children and grandchildren will be late, which doesn't make me happy, but I'm doing my best.
Blessings to you all,
Bluebirdy

Saturday, 8 December 2007

Interesting Experience since Funeral


        I had a weird experience yesterday. There have only been 3 times that I have cried uncontrollably since Dad died. First was when he died, second was after the funeral, third was last night about 8:00. I couldn't figure out why I was so upset and why I couldn't stop myself from crying, and I cried until about 10:30, then I realized that 7:45 two weeks ago is when Dad died. It seems like my body stored that traumatic hour in my body, and somehow, the alarm in my body went off at the same time he died. Strange.
      I noticed that with my divorce, too. Even after many years when I had forgotten the dates that some events happened, I would get into the most solemn, quiet, sad mood, and not understand why, then later it would come to me that it was that hour, day, month, etc. that he told me he was leaving, or that he did something else traumatic in our relationship.
     Just this month I have read a bit about memories being stored in your DNA, and sometimes are even passed down to the next generation. Maybe this experience has some tie to that theory? I don't know. So many mysteries that I will be so excited to learn after we are resurrected and can learn for eternity.
    I am sleeping about 1 hour every 2 days. Stress makes fibro/lupus worse, fibro/lupus flare makes stress worse, so its a vicious cycle.
    It is wonderful to feel the peace that passes all understanding, and to feel the Lord carrying us, and to have the knowledge that our family will soon be together again, and we know where he is and that he is happy and probably has even gotten to meet the Lord by now. What a comfort faith is.
     Gosh its nasty cold  here too. about -12. Its supposed to be the coldest winter in 15 years, and I believe it from the way its starting out! I'll have to go to Salvation army and get more layers of clothes to put under my coat, and a warm hat and scarf and hopefully some snow boots. I hear the snow boots are about $100 new, because the retail stores know that we have not needed them for so many years, that there are none in the used clothing stores, so if we want some, we have to pay whatever they want to charge us.
     Here is something else interesting. When Dad went into the nursing home 2 years ago, Mom, my brother and I suddenly hated food. It was like a constant nausea or knot in our stomach. We didn't even like the smell or sight of food, so we lived on very little food. This is one of the reasons I gained so much weight. My body thought it was starving, so it would not burn any fat. Now that the knot is out of our stomach, because we know that Dad is not suffering anymore, we are eating more (because there is so much food here left over from the funeral), and I lost 5 pounds in 5 days (2.5 kilos) from eating MORE! Dieting ruins your metabolism. Most large people have dieted themselves all the way to obesity. People are now learning that there are no magic pills or diets or tricks to staying thin. Only eating good food in portions that are not too big, and keep moving around as much as possible. So much has to do with genetics, also.  I AM THANKING GOD for helping me lose even 5 pounds because there is no way I can exercise enough to lose a lot of weight. Too much pain. I have found a few ways to exercise without pain, but do it many times a day, so that it will burn calories.  I hope soon I will be strong enough for my favorite activity, swimming, and to go on long walks so I can be strong enough to travel. I used to get awards in sports at school. Hard to look at my body now and believe that. lol. I just want to get stronger so I can enjoy life and help others more.

Sunday, 2 December 2007

One reason why the Elderly must suffer.

    We are finished with Dad's funeral now, and it has just occurred to me that if I had to let him go if he was healthy, it would have been unbearable; but because he was suffering so badly, we just wanted him to stop suffering, even if it meant we would miss him terribly. We cry because we miss him, but then we start to think of how happy he is and that he is not suffering anymore, and it is worth letting him go. Maybe that's one reason for all the suffering in the nursing homes. Another reason, is that someone is not willing to let them go. Mom and my brother and I all prayed on the same night "If it is your will Father, please let him stop suffering. Its getting worse and the nursing care is so bad now, its almost abusive, and it's hurting us ALL so much that we can't do much to ease his suffering, that we all think we will soon fall apart. He doesn't deserve this, please ease his suffering." It was a couple of days later that we all told each other that on the same night we had said almost exact prayers.
     I know that we had not fully been able to "let him go" before that, even though he was suffering and knew he would die soon, but as soon as we were completely able to release him, he soon went. I have seen this happen a couple of other times too, that the person stayed alive until one specific family member was ready to let him/her go, and when they do, they pass quickly. I love you Dad. You were one of the  most honorable/respectable/loveable men there could be. The church was full of people who loved you and had smiles on their faces with all the joy you brought to them with your sense of humor. I hope I can be more like you. Bye Dad. *sob* save a place for us.
Love, your adoring daughter.

Friday, 30 November 2007

Memorial/Funeral tomorrow

(yes I repeated myself here. Sorry. Brain is mush right now,)
 
   Just this moment finished planning the funeral for the second time. Almost everyone backed out! (They really did have good reasons, though.) II really want Heavenly Father to explain why we are alone even in a crisis like death as well as alone for 10 years. We finally found the Bishop had never come to introduce himself to us, he was very kind, and the church will take care of the food, and we've had visitors and phone calls from people his age from 7 a.m. until 11 at night until we are so tired we take turns to just go into our room and sob and have  a nap and the others take over while we rest for an hour. We are only getting about 2 or 3 hours rest, because we are visiting and taking calls all day, so we have to do all the memorial arrangements at night. I wanted to make a very nice picture board of Dad throughout his life but I didn't have time. Oh well, maybe it will slow down after tomorrow. I've been carrying so much of the load, so I am in horrible pain and my Dr. messed up on my pain meds, so I only got my pain meds today. I had to deal with the grief and all the hard work with horrible pain.  I am concerned about how I will take care of mom when she collapses after the funeral, because I will be collapsing too, perhaps bad enough for the hospital. I'm not thinking negatively, I just know how my body reacts after big and long lasting crisises like this.
    We are all better emotionally, and I have seen Mom's energy and my brother's energy raise significantly because we are not heartbroken thinking about Dad's suffering. We catch ourselves crying for a few minutes many times a day because we miss him, but its a much different type of tears than the tears of knowing he is suffering and that we can't do much to alleviate his suffering. We know how happy he is now, and with the Lord, and with all his family, since he is the youngest, and getting to know his father who died 6 weeks after Dad and his twin were born.
    
    I no longer believe that verse that says God won't give us more than we can bear. Why do people have heart attacks and nervous breakdowns? When I researched the verse, I think it said "you will never be TEMPTED more than you can handle.".
   Almost everyone that I had lined up for the funeral backed out, and so I had to start over, and I am asking Heavenly Father why he wants me to  be alone even when my parents die, as well as alone for 10 years.
   We have had visitors and phone calls every 10 minutes all week, until I was just crying with pain and exhaustion and wanted to put a sign on the door saying "do not disturb until 2:00" and put the answering machine on, but mom was just glorying in all the attention, so I went to my room collapsed in pain and let her do a few hours of hostessing. I heard them ask for me, but they were all people who were Dad's age, who I never knew, so I didn't come up. I don't get it. If these people cared so much about Dad, where have they been for the past 10+ years when we needed a friend or a visitor even on the phone??
     This is NUTS! In my hubby's country, they bury the person the same day, go home, and then neighbors come over and bring food and take care of the family, and crying is allowed, and there is no cost involved. Here, its like planning a wedding, but it has to be done in 3 days while your brain and heart have turned to mush and we have to pay a minimum of $12,000 to entertain the friends and family and neighbors and act brave. We are poor though, so we had to have him cremated, which I am not adjusting to well, but it brought the price down to $4,000. Can't afford to die!
   I am happy to see how many cared for Dad in his lifetime. I'm in so much pain and so exhausted, maybe my next post will be more positive.
Thank you all who are sharing their love with me and praying for me.
Blessings, Bluebirdy

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

FREE CHRISTMAS GIFT TAGS!!!

EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU! I SEND IT EVERY YEAR. First year I used just paper. The next year I used cardstock..looked so much nicer, this year I am using sticky back paper for some that I have to mail, and glossy cardstock for the others. ENJOY!!!
Love,Bluebirdy

Friday, 23 November 2007

Spirits coming and going


Hi second family;
I got a new grandson at 10:14 a.m. yesterday. That joy seems overshadowed by Dad passing away at 7:46 this evening. I got to be with him holding his hand. It wasn't a scary "fighting for breath" experience like I saw earlier that scared me a lot, but he just stopped breathing, and I had to look hard at his chest and listen for a minute or more to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, then called in a nurse to please make sure. Mom's still in the hospital, she's handling it better than I would if it were my husband. She has a lot less of the "crying chemical" than I do. Gosh it took everything in me to pull myself away from him for the last time, but again I was in so much pain that if I stayed, I would have ended up in the E.R. alone, treated badly. I wanted to stay to comfort Mom, but after about 3 hours she said she'd be fine and insisted that I get some rest. One family member enters the family, another leaves. It happens a lot in my family, and almost every family member shares a birthday with another family member. Today's birth is shared with my 6 year old grandson. Thanks for all your love and prayers and support. It will be interesting to see if I lose any other of my terminally ill family members this year or my husband in that war; or even if I will go soon, but I will appreciate having them for as long as possible and appreciate the many little joys in life. Feeling that peace that passes all understanding, though I have cried so hard and long I feel like I have been exercising for many many hours.
To top it off, my Dr. told me to double my pain meds last time I saw him, so I did, and so now I need a refill, and he insists I am asking for them too soon, and doesn't remember telling me to double the dose, so I am going through the hardest part of my life with intolerable pain! God showed me last week that he can take away the pain completely if he wants, so I hope He will do that again so I can help my family through this. Here is a pic of my fuzzy looking sweet grandson. They say he has curly black hair. Well the mom and Dad are dark blonde and red hair, so that's strange! My Dad had black hair and almost latino dark skin, so I like guys with dark skin. Maybe my grandson's black hair came through my Dad's genes. I am the only blonde on both sides of the family, except for a great grandfather, so maybe that's where I got my hair color too.
What a precious father. It will hurt so much to be without him, but it was hurting worse to lay here and know he was suffering and that I couldn't do much to help. I am thanking our loving Heavenly Father for the time that I did get to be with my Dad. What a blessing he has ALWAYS been.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Interesting Horoscope

I think of horoscopes as entertainment but don't  believe them much. I'm really not very superstitious either and I think its funny that some people send on the emails that threaten that something bad will happen to them if they don't.  I think its interesting when horoscopes DO hit the nail on the head though. I read them about 4 times a year, but read mine today and wow it hit on the head. I am so burned out and pushing myself to go back to the hospital even when I can't do anything there anymore, and the horoscope said:
 
Your horoscope for Thursday, Nov 22, 2007
Social activities this time of year can bring you much joy, but you might have to pay a price for the fun. You may be driven to extremes by your desires now, which could tire you out before you make it through your schedule. Practice moderation; limiting your indulgences can help you to conserve the resources you will need later on.
My social activities consist of going to the hospital. Maybe this is suggesting to not go until it is necessary. I feel like I am going to end up in a hospital bed too if I go for 12-18 hours again today. It says I will need resources later on. Possibly to really emotionally support my family when Dad passes
    I thought the bad tooth was what was causing my heart problem. I guess it was not. My oxygen level was MUCH lower then my Dad's, so I've been on oxygen at the hospital. I just wish they would let me use one of the many extra stretchers to lay down for 10 minutes to ease my pain. A chair for 12-20 hours is just not enough. If the floor wasn't so covered with bacteria I would consider laying on a blanket on the floor.
     I am curious to find out how closely together my grandson comes and my Father leaves. Maybe they will greet each other in the air as they pass each other, or maybe even my grandson will help escort Dad home, or Dad will help escort my grandson into this world. The other belief is that the baby's spirit is already in the baby before birth, so its all a big mystery.
     I thought the Lord gave me a husband so we could comfort each other through the hard times and share the joyous times, but I haven't gotten one word of encouragement from him, which really hurts, and I have to call him if I want to hear his voice. He says he is taking things very well mentally there and that he is quite safe unless a bomb hits the house he's living in, so if that's so, and if he is better off than I am right now, I would appreciate his shoulder! He said that he thought what I was going through was much harder than the war he was going through, which I thought was kind hearted of him, but I don't understand his silence. It makes me wonder if he will be any comfort or help to me when he gets here. I don't want to mention to him that I'm mad at him for not even sending one sentence that might comfort me, because I want it to come from his heart, not from me telling him he MUST do it. Feels like I'm losing husband, dad, possibly mom, daughter is not speaking to me (not the one who is expecting a baby), and my brother is so close to an emotional breakdown. I need a shoulder too. I am holding everyone else together and even doing medical procedures.
     Its frustrating that we have been too sick to make friends here. I don't really have anyone that I could trust with a house key in case something happened to both mom and I, yesterday I needed someone to bring me more oxygen from home, but I got a Dr. to prescribe me some there.
    I was hoping the tooth problem would cure my heart problem and my need for oxygen, but it didn't...so my future is questionable again.
    OH WONDERFUL! Mom just called me and said that she and Dad were doing OK for now and that I could stay home and rest until she calls to say I need to come in. PRAISE GOD! I need even a few hours rest! So I can do what my horoscope suggests!
Blessings to you all dear friends who have written and prayed for me and have been as close as family. My computer friends are a bunch of angels!
Bluebirdy

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Both parents in hospital

The day after my parents 59th anniversary was the Queen of England's 60th anniversary. I thought that was interesting, because my wedding was 1 year and 1 day from Princess Diana's, and my kids birthdays were the same months as the prince's.
   At 3 in the morning, the nursing home called and said Dad will be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I went upstairs to tell Mom and she said "I need one too." So I called another, and we live next door to the nursing home, so one ambulance followed the other, and I was ahead of them both in my car. I called my brother to tell him and he said he had woken up for some unknown reason, he never wakes up at that time! So he came over to the hospital and we spent the day going back and forth helping answer questions and get them settled in and make sure they get immediate treatment.
  So my miracle was timed perfectly so that I could help with this crisis. I walked 4 miles a day the past 2 days. I wear my pedometer to measure....but today, I can't walk and struggling to even roll over. I have tried since Monday to get my Dr. to refill my medicine over the phone, but he insists that I come out there. So I will have to go without my diabetes medicine and muscle relaxant, which is not going to make this any easier.
    I am now in unbearable pain again, massaging legs, crawling to the bathroom, takes 5 minutes to roll over. Unhappy that I have to go back on my morphine but thanking God that there is such a thing, so that when it kicks in, I can go back and care for my parents.
   My dear husband said that the list of things I am going through now (about 12 things I have not told anyone about) is worse than the war he is going through right now. He is so calm and patient and strong and full of faith. I'm so proud of him...my life is almost always 10 crisises at once, so if my life is harder than the war he is going through, do I want to bring him to this stressful life? Oh well, its not really my decision anyway. Its up to God, who will influence the court.
    I thought God gave me a husband so we could love and support each other through these most difficult times. I could sure use a shoulder to lean on after I physically and emotionally take care of mom, dad and my brother...but I just come home and fall apart, and do paperwork until the pain eases up enough to sleep.
     I am still so very grateful for my 1 week miracle and I hope God will give me the words to write an article about it.
Blessings to you all, HAPPY TURKEY DAY TOMORROW TO THE AMERICANS. Remember to give thanks that things are not worse, because they always could be worse.
Bluebirdy

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Long Day, half sad, half great!

I Woke up in so much pain, sadness was my first response, but maybe I just overdid yesterday,. I still prayed with thanks for what I had been given, and strength to re-adjust to the old lifestyle.  I needed pain medicine. I started mourning that the pain free time was over, but still thanked God for the time He DID give me to understand how others live and think without pain. I wished that I had been given the words to describe it. I hope the words still come. I cried so hard for hours, I grieved the loss of feeling healthy, was prematurely grieving Dad's passing, grieving a friend's passing (also prematurely), grieving the burden my brother is carrying until it is going to push him to the limit, and grieving that I may soon lose my mom after my Dad, and grieving my husband that I may never see, and grieving not seeing my children or grandchildren except once in 10 years, and I will be a grandmother again tomorrow or Tuesday. Just another baby I won't see unless I can get healthy and strong!
mom was semi-conscious and I didn't know what to do to help her, and if something happens to Dad, SHE has all the final arrangements, so I didn't know what I would do if Dad passed away while Mom was in a diabetic stupor. I wanted to be with Dad, but was afraid to leave mom. Finally Mom woke up fine, got her insulin, I asked her quickly where the final arrangements for Dad are, in case he dies when she is unconscious or too sick to do anything. So now I am more confident in case something happens to Dad.
 
THEN THE DAY CHANGED!!!
 
     Finally the pain medicine started working, so I was able to go sit with Dad, and what a joy! I got to sit with him for 3 hours, the longest I have EVER been able to be out of bed since he went into the nursing home. I was able to do the nurse's treatment on Dad for her, for which she was SO VERY grateful, (since I have my nursing degree), which freed her up for 20 minutes to do other treatments. I was able to get some pain medicine into him early, which he would have suffered if I was not there. Then my brother came in to take over. Dad talked for 2 hours straight and what a precious talk it was.
     When I got home, Mom was on the floor doubled up in pain and not able to get her oxygen, so I got her into bed, hooked up the oxygen, gave her the pain injection, put a tablet under her tongue to sink into her blood stream faster, and got her settled down. Oh gosh it felt SOOO good to be of some use to someone! Now I need my own oxygen a bit, so all 3 of us are on oxygen.
    Ok, so I am not cured, but MUCH MUCH better, and will continue to get better every day, in every way! Maybe I can write and earn more and travel and make some dreams come true! ....instead of doubled up in pain waiting for life to end...fearing (to the point of anxiety) how I would deal with life if it got any harder and if parents died or we got kicked out of our house or if my husband was able to come and I could not help him.
 
now I am on my way to comfort my brother, who just walked out of the house sobbing. I'll go to his bachelor apartment, where he has not let us come in 10 years, but he  comes here 4 times a day... tough. I'm going to  comfort him, and I thank god for the strength to be able to do it.
 
GOD  IS  SO  GOOD, HIS TIMING  IS PERFECT, AND  I  WILL  REMEMBER  TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD TIMES I HAD, RATHER THAN   MOURNING  HOW THINGS ARE, SO IF MY HUSBAND CANNOT COME, I WILL ALSO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFT OF HAVING HIM FOR AS LONG AS I DID, ALONG WITH THE SADNESS   OF  BEING  ALONE FOR THE  REST OF MY LIFE.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

BEST MORNING YET!


Before I even open my eyes when I wake up, I lay and assess what hurts, how I feel, etc. Then say my morning prayer. This morning was the best morning yet, so my prayer was so full of joy and tears and Thanksgiving, so appropriate for the US date of thanksgiving coming up soon.

I want to dance! I want to sing! I have not had that desire for 15 years! If this continues, dance will probably be my exercise. Right now its jut pilates in bed and resistance bands in bed.

It took almost all my strength to get cleaned up and dressed up to go out but I made it to the post office and grocery and put gas in the car and went to see Dad. I don't remember when I could do more than 1 thing in a day. I still had to rest when I got home, though. The strength will come, I have to be patient with this body and keep at it. I had not been able to see Dad for a month, and he looks very bad. It is Mom and Dad's 59th anniversary today, so I am praying God does not take him today. He was not even wakeable when was visiting. I wanted to touch him, hold him, I miss him so much, but he was having a hard time breathing, so I could only touch his hand. What a precious Father he is and always has been.

I have been asking the Lord to help me put into words how different a person's thinking is when they are not in pain. Its like being a different creature! Different planet even. I am afraid the pain might come back and then for sure I won't be able to think of how it was when I had no pain. Now that I can think of other things than pain, maybe I can finish writing my books!

My husband's house got a new baby today, amidst the bombs and machine guns. What a dramatic thought, isn't it? There was a curfew, so she couldn't get to the hospital, so it was born at home with the Taliban and Pakistan Army shooting outside their home!

I have to travel to another city to go to court soon. where I will get the money for that, I don't know. I have to buy 4 phone cards to Pakistan worth 2 hours each so they can call hubby in court, and I have to pay for transportation and room and food for a few days. Its NUTS! My husband has NO reason not to be here. It is a very small detail that is keeping him away and only God knows why the legal system is prolonging it instead of just making a decision based on lawyer's notes from 2 countries! Oh well, someday we will understand. Obviously part of the delay was to wait until I got stronger. What a dramatic life, eh? Even from bed, what a dramatic life I lead!

I want to personally acknowledge my miracle, and THANK OUR LOVING LORD. Even if this all ends tomorrow, it has been a miracle and I am thankful. I don't have the beautiful language of King Solomon, so I am reading the scriptures of praise that he wrote, to thank God with more eloquence than I have.

I pray the same can happen in your life!

Blessings,Bluebirdy

Friday, 16 November 2007

5th day of my miracle SO MUCH TO TELL!

I am still having no pain, anywhere, not fibromyalgia, not lupus, not the oral surgery or infection after.
    It's impossible to go from one night needing more pain killers than the E.R. Dr. has ever given anyone, to waking up the next morning with no pain. It is not possible to take morphine for 10 years, then wake up one morning and not need it, and not even go through the withdrawal that comes from your body getting used to being on morphine!
    I KNOW this is my miracle. I don't know if it will be permanent, but I am thanking God so often, with tears of joy, with awareness of how differently I think, of all the other things I can think about now that my mind isn't consumed by pain, I'm just really weak. I'm sure God will help me get stronger, too, if that is His will. I am doing my best to improve my life. The sun just seems so much brighter now. Even the bedroom seems lighter! I wish I had the words for how it is to come out of level 8 pain for 10 years to FREEDOM!
    I have to get help to get stronger now, after being in bed for so many years, and not eating. My normal diet makes my body thinks its starving, so it won't burn any calories. I have been too weak/nauseated/in pain to get food,so usually I have a yogurt for breakfast, a piece of toast for lunch, and a piece of fruit at bedtime. Been doing that for years. Once in a while I'll have 1 chocolate in a day (diabetic so I don't eat a whole chocolate bar). I have to figure out how to get the strength to get food. Vicious cycle. Need food to be strong, need strength to get food.
 
 I WENT SHOPPING AND IT WAS LIKE
THE FIRST CHRISTMAS FOR A CHILD!
 
 Let me copy from a letter I sent my husband:
 
HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY!!!
Well not so happy for you,
but maybe a blessed second anniversary!!!
 
Hi my sunshine
     I had such a nice experience today that all I could think of is how I wished you were there to share it with me. I must REALLY be in love, because I want you with me when I'm sad, and the wonderful day  I had today seemed almost empty without you to share it with.
    I went to the new store they built here in town. I've told you about it before, its the biggest store-chain (set of stores world wide with the same name) on earth, and now this is the biggest building to buy things in Alberta! (other than the malls.) I used a scooter, I bet it would be 10 kilometers to walk up and down every aisle. When I went to the grocery (food) part, and I could not believe it!!! I think I just saw every fruit and vegetable ever grown on earth! Things I never saw before and don't know what to with, but hope to learn, and foods from every country, and every food I ever saw advertised on TV from any country, even things that have never been in Canada before, and even one brand of halal frozen dinners, and about 25 kinds of rice and I can't stop talking. lol.
    My eyes lit up like a little child on his first Christmas...or a person who lived in the desert or the country his whole life that just made his first trip to the city. My heart was so full. I have not been out to a park or shopping for so many years...and to go when the Christmas season is starting was just a joy!
    I think I experienced a bit of what you will feel when you come here. So much to see and hear and smell all at once, so much to take in, like a whole new life and new planet, so many different things I never saw before, things I didn't know existed on earth. But there was so much to choose from, I went home with almost nothing, because I was so overwhelmed with choices that I could not choose!! So I am thankful that I had that experience so I will understand a little bit of how you will feel. It is very tiring. My Korean sister in law had to take many rests because the new culture and thinking and adjusting to new things every minute is very hard for the first couple of months.
   The Christmas season has started and the store was playing music and colored lights were everywhere. I was so filled with joy I almost cried. All the Christmas gifts were there which are not there for the rest of the year and prices are cheaper and in that store, you can buy everything from a bicycle to a wedding ring to shirts to food. An immigrant could come here with nothing but the clothes on his back and his money, and buy EVERYTHING he needs to set up his apartment and life. TV, phone, insurance, eyeglasses, clothes, furniture, paint, decorating services, food, medicine, appliances, things even I have never seen before! That's hard to find! (Hard to find something that you can buy that I have never seen before). 
    When I got home I had to rest a while but  nothing like the past few years.
    I told my pharmacist about how well I've felt for 3 days, and he knows about you coming, and he said "I bet you were walking around with that infection in your whole body for years, those idiot doctors! And maybe that is why God was delaying your husband's visa, He was waiting until your health problem was found and taken care of, so you could help your husband when he gets here."  That's an interesting thought. I guess we will only know the real reason when we meet Him when we die.
     Gosh, 3 days no pain, getting dressed nicely, going shopping,going to the park, getting 1 week worth of work  done in 1 day...thanking God with all my heart every few minutes...wow! I want you here to share my joys. I want you out of that war zone. Who would have EVER dreamed that the peaceful valley spoken of for eons, Shangri-La, hidden in the Himalayan mountains, the Switzerland of the area, would EVER become a city where the Taliban and Pakistan Army would start a fight among peaceful people? I get news articles every few hours online and they all say the same "The scenic valley" ;"the restive resort valley of ancient acclaim" ; "if war came to SWAT, then there is no safe place left on earth". 
     I know SWAT was an independent country a short while ago, and a white man never saw SWAT until 1910. Now after being abused by Pakistan for 25 years they want to be independent again. I love that your area has their own laws, culture, habits, different way of thinking. I can understand why people there get angry when they are called "Pakistani", because their laws and women's rights and EVERYTHING is different in SWAT.
     Lately there has been set up a curfew. From noon to midnight, people can go out and shop and go to work etc. safely, then from midnight to noon, those who are fighting each other come out and there is war. That is the most CIVIL war I ever heard of! If you can get even evil murderous Taliban to obey a rule and not shoot or bother people for those 12 hours a day, that does say something good for the Muslim religion, even the worst of them. It will be AMAZING if they obey the rules!
    
I want you in my arms, I want you to be in this wonderful safe place God allowed me to be born in. I wish my lawyer would reply to my letters. I hope to communicate somehow with you soon. I trust that God is protecting you, even when I can't hear from you. I hope communications will be restored soon. Why did God make me tie my heart to a man in such a place and position as this? Such a long wait, so much worry, enough to dissolve a person mind and body. Just more drama for the book we will write about our DRAMATIC love story!
Love, Wifey"
 

Monday, 12 November 2007

PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE AND PROTECTION TO THOSE I LOVE

 
  Oh Heavenly Father, our protector and guide, You are the greatest Friend

and joy we have! To be able to come to You in prayer like this is the

most beautiful part of our lives!

It is not for myself that I want to pray today, dear Father, but for

those who are near and dear to me and about whom I worry. You know

what they are facing, dear Father. And You know most of all the deepest

reasons why these things have come upon them!

And You know how I want to help. Truly I think it would be easier if I

could only face what they are facing. But You know how helpless we are

to help another even though we know what is just and right.

Only You are left, dear Father. Do be with them in all things at all times.

Protect them from enemies and evil, my Father. Forgive them their

sins and put love of others in their hearts.

Oh do make them happy in their lives at home, dear Father, and help them

live as You wouldst have them live. Above all, put in their hearts

Love  for You.

And thank You, my Father, for Your goodness to them and to me. Thank You

for Your love and guidance and protection! May we honor you all the days

of our lives. And be happy and uplifted even as I feel right now!

Amen.

-- Author Unknown

BIG MIRACLE!







HI all my loved ones! I was afraid to blog this yesterday, in case my superstition would chase away the good news, but the night after I blogged that prayer and was in so much pain, I WOKE UP WITH NO PAIN! NOT EVEN THE PAIN THAT I HAVE HAD TO TAKE PAIN MEDICINE FOR 10 YEARS FOR!! I don't know how long it will last, but I am doing as much as possible to get some things done that didn't get done for the few weeks that I couldn't even raise my head! I know if I overdo I'll be back at step one, flat on my back, but I just have to tell the world! I have only had about 5 days pain free in 10 years. What if all these years, this horrible weakness and pain throughout my body was an infection that had gone into my blood system? I get fevers with lupus anyway, so having a fever wouldn't mean anything to me. My tooth or jaw never hurt, so I couldn't know it was infected. In my NDE I was told that I was protected from the "destroyer" until my purpose on earth was finished, and I saw images that even if I got hurt or had poison, I would still live through it, even if it caused suffering (seemed like a curse) until my work is done. I many times begged God to show me my work so I could get it done and get out of that painful body that is becoming more and more sensitive to light, sound and emotional stress all the time. I kept getting the words "to lift and to cheer others", but it will take a long time to understand how I can do that when my sense of humor has almost left me, and I can't be out and around with people and be entertaining them or even have big parties with them to cheer them. One time I did get the impression that just by others seeing how I live, it makes them grateful for their own lives, so in a negative process, I was sort of making them more cheerful.


** GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE NO PAIN! WOOHOOOO! So this is what normal people feel like? I am going to get off the computer and go do things that I have not been able to do for a long time, and I am eager to see how long it lasts, though I am still weak from being in bed for so many years. You think a person would get used to pain, having it all the time, but you never never do. I guess you do a bit, because the pain that used to send me to the hospital is now pain I function with every day. OK bye....going to the mall or the park or get some work done! THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER A MILLION TIMES FOR THIS TASTE OF FREEDOM!

May you all get a taste of a miracle!

Bluebirdy








Sunday, 11 November 2007

REMEMBRANCE DAY IN CANADA




Vimmy Canadian Memorial
















ON THIS, THE 11TH HOUR OF THE 11TH DAY OF THE 11TH MONTH,WHEN WORLD WAR 2 WAS WON, I WANT TO RECOGNIZE THOSE WHO FOUGHT OR FELL SO THAT WE MAY ENJOY OUR LIFESTYLE, IN THAT WAR, AND IN EVERY WAR BEFORE AND SINCE.


BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES












Saturday, 10 November 2007

Dear Father, help me

Couldn't lift my head all day. Had enough water beside me to take pills, but made a big mess because I couldn't lift my head when drinking. So frustrated. So much pain. Just want to disappear. God please make this stop. Please let me start a new life, (there's SO MUCH I WANT TO DO!!!) or please take me home. I can't beat level 10+ pain much longer, alone, and can't bear the thought of not being helpful to anyone. Please God, make it stop. Hold me, comfort me, help me, remind me you love me. *sob* Bless everyone in my life, thankyou for my many many luxuries and blessings. I know things could be worse. Please talk to me Father in Heaven, comfort me, strengthen me. I love you so much.
In the name of your precious son, Amen

Planning A Whole New Life

Written Nov 8?Don't know what day it is.
   When this war is over, and my husband is with me, when this pain becomes bearable, I still have the picture in my mind of the person I wanted to become. I remember even at 12, at 15, at 25, at 35, an exact image in my mind of the person I wanted to become. At 21 when I had my first near death experience, I was so disappointed that I had not yet become that person, that I told the spirit who talked to me how ashamed I was. I told him I would not go back to earth if I could not even take care of my family or serve the Lord the way I was sent to earth to do. He showed me the woman I would become. Wise, smiling, warm, loving, and loved in return. I told the spirit I would have to stick around just to see that happen, because I could barely believe I would become that person. I was almost glowing! Honest, a loyal friend to all, close to Heavenly Father, and satisfied with what I had, whether it was a little or a lot. I saw  my husband with me, so when he left me at age 37, I couldn't believe my whole life's plan, myself, God's promise to me had been destroyed as if in a bomb. I had a nervous breakdown, and everything about me changed, except for my love for my Heavenly Father. I even forgot the person I wanted to become.  Now, 10 years later, I can see that person again.
     It's 10 days now of this pain. I had to look it up one more time just to make sure I was not creating this pain somehow myself. As in most websites, it says
"TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia) is a nerve disorder of unknown origin that causes sudden shock-like facial pains, typically near the nose, lips, eyes or ears.  It is said to be the most excruciatingly painful human condition in the world."  
   No, I guess I am not being as big of a baby as I blame myself of being. Then when we add complications from the oral surgery, with infection from my sinus, to jaw, down to glands in the neck, and the skin graft to go over the hole, which was taken from the area of the damaged nerve, then the dentist giving me the wrong antibiotic for 3 weeks, so I had a short time of getting stronger, and then came the time when I can barely lift my head off my pillow. I stayed away from the E.R. because I hate going so much. I don't want to ask anyone, and when you go alone, they are so cruel, as if they want to scare you from coming again, because "obviously", if you come alone,  you must not be very sick. I guess they can't imagine that someone has no friends in the city, and their family are all too sick. I thank heaven that this time the doctors were quick and kind.
    I lay here and think "THERE CAN NOT BE SUCH HORRIBLE PAIN THAT LASTS SO LONG! How  can it be possible?" I asked my Dr. yesterday if this is what his cancer of the jaw felt like. He said that his jaw cancer was terrible pain, but still its not as bad as what I am going through." I told him I was praying it was a temporary infection, because if its permanent, I will want to chop off my head and I will  understand how TN patients sometimes go out of their mind and run into traffic or do other things accidentally, or maybe even on purpose. That's why its called the suicide disease.
    I pictured what cancer patients look like at the very end, moaning, writhing in pain, no amount of morphine is enough for the pain. They can't think anymore, or eat, or even be called "living". So how do they deal with THEIR pain? Does their heart just stop from too much pain? Sometimes, but more often, more morphine is given to try to ease the pain, until eventually the morphine is what causes the body to shut down, not the cancer pain. Usually it is made easier because there is a loved one nearby who cares. There is someone
nearby to help with a drink of water or to be washed or to get brought medicine, or a hot or cold pack for the pain, or kind words, or to be read to, or to turn on music. They are not there completely alone like I am. I want my husband with me, but I don't want him to suffer by being with a sick wife, or suffer because he doesn't know how to care for himself in this society yet. I think I would feel much worse for making someone else suffer, so it is better that I struggle alone. I know God is with me, but at times like this, you sometimes need someone with hands and skin to be with. 
    Mom is upstairs, but she is sick too. I won't bother her about this pain. Every other day or so, she comes to see if I need some ensure nutrition drink. She is much better to me now. Until about 7 months ago, she would not even check on me when I went unconscious for more than 2 days from diabetes, and never in her life had brought me a glass of water, but now we are more caring of each other WHEN WE CAN BE. Often her pain is too bad to think of anything but the pain also.
    My oldest daughter wants to disown me, so I won't see her children either, so I have not figured out the joy of having children yet. I get joy from hearing about the antics of my youngest's little one, but I won't be seeing her or her children either, unless I get well and wealthy, so I'm losing reasons to stick around. I know its just the pain talking. I can't even lift my head. I'm thankful my monitor is beside my bed and my keyboard and mouse are on my bed.
    In July, when I was told I had 1 year to live, I started a new journey for myself. One of learning to be the kind of person I used to be. To be positive and courageous and funny and encouraging, the person I was before the divorce, before everything in me was destroyed. It was as if my ex had pulled the pin on a hand grenade, opened my mouth, closed it, let it go off inside me, like in a cartoon, and smoke came out my ears, and everything in me was destroyed, and my ex walked away laughing, and I was left standing there, expecting to heal all the pieces myself, since he took me from my family in another country and only let me see them 4 times in 20 years. Then his family, most of whom that I loved so much, and took them as my family, immediately stopped talking to me, as if I was the adulteress, as if he was innocent. I didn't even see it coming. Now, 10 years later, I am rebuilding, but it seems so slowly.
   The world has changed. Attitudes have changed. Physical health has changed. People dress more casual, work more hours, have single parent households, and don't seem have time to teach their children or spend time with them. Marriages have become so very selfish, so they break up easier.
    If a spaceship from another planet visited Earth in the 1960s, then returned now, they would probably say "Well, it looks like the same place on the map, but it just CAN'T be the same planet. NOTHING is the same! It's so dark and dirty and the creatures are so much lower and have no civilization or manners or kindness."
    The kind of person I wanted to be wanted to go everywhere, see everything, learn everything, speak every language, hear every song, every story, smell every flower, taste every food, get to know every culture, completely design my own home, design even the fabrics, furniture, dishes, clothes, carpets, and take care of my husband like he was a prince. Well that one I DID achieve. He did not have to do anything...and now that I burned out my body on him, the new wonderful man that God has sent me, will not get that kind of attention that he deserves. The poor man. He deserves so much more than I can give him. My ex wore me out then threw me away like a used Kleenex.
    Now I can see the purpose for the divorce, and now I love so much stronger, see things so much clearer, and God sent me a soul mate that I had so much in common with, that I could never have found him without God sending him to me. He is such a wonderful, loving man, who loves God as much as I do, and God knew that's what I wanted was someone who loved God like I do. He is from a different culture, so he does not think of divorce the way others do, so quickly. He knows marriage CAN be for life, because that's the only way its done in his culture. Its terrifying to marry and have a long distance relationship, but there is a purpose, and it is a growing experience. I want to write a book about our dramatic love story. Its so dramatic, people will think its fiction, but reality is so much more unbelievable than fiction sometimes. We appreciate every moment with each other, because he could die at any time from war, and I could die at any time from illness, so our love is more intense.
     They say time heals all wounds. Time heals NOTHING. It is only working on your feelings, working out how to get strong again, and overcome your traumas that changes things. If you don't do these things, then 20 years later you could still be stuck in the same place as the day the trauma happened.
     I did that kind of work on myself, and having someone love me unconditionally helped immensely also.
    I was hyperactive and wanted to do everything perfectly, and take care of people as a nurse, and entertain guests, and dance and sing and act and every year have a different occupation so I could learn more and more.
    In that first near death experience, When I said I didn't want to go back to earth if I would only be useless and couldn't serve the Lord, the spirit told me "Even if it got to the point that you were completely bedridden, the Lord would find a way for people to be sent to you so you could help them." This was long before home computers were invented. I never imagined the spirit meant that I WOULD become bedridden. I thought he was giving an example, but you know, I am so thankful to be living in the days of the internet. I am such a knowledge hog, and I can learn 24 hours a day from my computer, in my bed, and have friends all over the world to help. Even if I were rich and healthy, I could not travel the world to help people like I am doing now.
   I am eager to start exercising and getting stronger and preparing for my husband to come home and getting healthy enough to visit my children, and work toward being all the things I planned to become. Now I probably can't do them with as much energy as I first planned, but I can still have goals and plans and work on my weak points and become that woman I have always seen in my mind.
   I hope the pain eases up soon so I will not be flat on my back, and I can help cook for mom and Doug, and go see Dad, and get strong enough to serve others, serve God, and enjoy life.
   Pain seems to erase all positive thoughts unless there is someone there to remind you, or if you are able to read something positive. I have about 1 hour a day now that I can read or write, and that time is almost up, so I will end this novel now.
    I hope soon I can start typing my award winning writing into my blogs. I have had over 100 magazine articles published. I have not written for many years, but just got old articles re-published in other magazines. I guess this blog is good to retrain myself to write again.
     Will my husband be allowed out of his country if he gets his visa? Will God help me to help him? Can't help hubby, mom or Dad, my very generous brother who needs love so much and doesn't know how to accept it, I am of no use here the way I am right now. Gosh I'm now too tired to think.
    Still with the greatest pain I am feeling, I am thankful that the dentist might have saved my life, by removing the infected tooth. Without that, I would not be thinking of any future at all. I did get a miracle, even if it hurts for a while.
Bye for now.
Bluebirdy

Thursday, 8 November 2007

Reply to previous blog and explanation of new unbearable pain

 
Thankyou C. This is so thoughtful of you. That's amazing that you remembered where my husband is and what he does there! I get google's news reports with any news article in English about Mingora. They come about every 2 hours. I'd better have Fazal check to see if our lawyer is safe. We have needed one to get him home. His company refuses to let him come home because they can't find a replacement, and they have ways to stop him. he was supposed to be home in February, and I had a hotel room reserved for a honeymoon type vacation and everything, then found out he would not be let to leave. We should get news this week about when he will be coming or what's going on that is being kept secret from us, etc. I pass over most of the email news articles, some are very gory with stories of beheadings for no reason of people walking to get milk, etc. (which my husband has seen). I know he won't be the same person when he gets home, but we will work it out with God's help. He saw barber shops bombed by the extremists who want the men to not shave, (so close to his house that the bomb rubble landed on his house) and my husband can be killed if his beard doesn't grow fast enough!! People there, (my husband and especially children) are getting lung infections breathing in all the stuff that was in the bombs, and all the material that WAS bombed. I never thought of this aspect of war before, that people would get sick from the bombing.) They destroyed 140 shops that sold music CDs. These terrorists are not only terrorizing the world, they are destroying anyone who is not "perfect" enough in their own religion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Mom was going to drive me to the Dr. out of town today. I guess I wore her out by making her go to the hospital 2 days in a row with me, so I drove myself, but had to pull off to the side of the highway every 5 minutes and lay down on the seats and cry, then drive 5 more minutes. I've never known pain like this for so long, even with all my surgeries and 35 years of lupus which is as painful as torture at times. The ease in pain helps me deal with thoughts of what my husband is going through, and likewise, when I know my husband is safe for a few days when they go somewhere, it eases my pain.
     The Dr. was very kind, I drove back the same way, got to the pharmacy, then took one of the pills before I drove home. Gosh what a wonderful feeling being pain free is! I hope with all my heart this is only an infection that will be temporary, because if this is my new level of pain permanently, I am in serious trouble,and so is my husband. Even if he has to leave with just the clothes on his back, I want him out of there. Airports are starting to close, so I'm praying he CAN get out of there if the judge finds a way to get him released from Pakistan.
    Thanks for all your kind notes yesterday when I needed so badly to feel another human being on the other end of the computer line.
HUGS and blessings,
Bluebirdy (who is a little blue lately.)

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