I thought my heart problem was cured, but...
I guess it's not. I had to get a blood test a few days ago, an arterial blood gas. Its quite a painful test because they have to find an artery instead of a vein by feeling your pulse, and the arteries are usually wrapped in nerves, so when they poke it with a needle, it just makes you hold your breath in pain. Anyway it took them quite a while to find a good artery, because my pulse was so erratic (irregular), which is what the problem was when I started this blog. My oxygen is still low, but I don't use the oxygen as much as I used to. I should have worn it today when I went out. Its freezing cold out, yet I was sweating from weakness. The problem is, the oxygen tank is in a shoulder pack, and if I barely have the strength to walk around without it, it is much harder to walk around carrying that heavy thing.
Still they won't even offer me any medication that others with arrhythmia get, as if they are hoping I will die sooner. VERY SCARY to think that "the system" might have the power to let me die soon, ruining the lives of those who love me.
I still don't think the Dr. knows when I will die. God will decide...but the more stress that happens, the closer I will move towards dying. I don't fear death at all, but knowing the pain that we are all feeling with Dad's death, I don't want to cause anyone that kind of pain.
I worry that hubby will get killed over there in the war zone, or that he will be delayed so long that I will not be much of a wife by the time we get together. I am doing everything in my power to get healthier and stronger, but maybe God has other plans.
There is still the possibility that Mom could die soon. I thought since God found me a husband, that He found me a companion to be with me through these most traumatic times. I guess not. It does make me wonder about being a wife at all, if I will not be getting any help, and I will be doing all the giving, like in my first marriage. I don't yet have the strength to even live a half way normal life or take care of my basic needs, nevermind trying to take care of someone else's needs who is going to be somewhat helpless for a while and might have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) on top of everything else.
Ok here I go with my bad habit again. I am "what if"ing myself to death. We can't see the future. Its crazy to make yourself sick worrying about all that COULD happen. We need to hope for the best, envision the best, plan and work for the best, and live one day, one hour at a time, enjoying the moment. I used to worry so much about the future that I forgot to enjoy the present. Trying to kick that habit.
I have really done a good job of taking in every moment and really feeling all of it, which makes life so much richer. Took a lot of reading and studying to change how I think. Hopefully I will continue improving with the way I think about life. It hard enough without adding more worries that are unnecessary.
We have no interest or energy to decorate for Christmas this year. I think we need the joy that the decorations will bring, but we don't have the strength. The gifts that I am sending to children and grandchildren will be late, which doesn't make me happy, but I'm doing my best.
Blessings to you all,
Bluebirdy
Post a Comment