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Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Happy New Year (By Proxy)

Hello all!

Due to the miracle of modern technology, I am not even typing this message. I am on a long-distance call with a dear cyber-friend who is being my secretary because my computer has died for the fourth time in three weeks! I don't know when I'll be back because I'm also expected to go back into the hospital on Friday, but if you want to leave comments, my magic "cyber-secretary" will get them to me. I hope 2009 will be the best year yet. It's New Years Eve, so a good excuse to send you all a cyber-kiss!

COMPUTER WITHDRAWAL IS HORRIBLE! My fingers are so restless, I'm playing with my "dead" wireless keyboard...

I'll be back ASAP, with love...and thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Bluebirdy

Friday, 26 December 2008

Happy New Year 2009!


MAY YOU GAIN WISDOM, PEACE AND JOY, AND FEEL LOVED. MAY THE BLESSINGS YOU SEND OUT BE RETURNED 10 FOLD. MAY 2009 BE YOUR BEST YEAR YET! HAVE A BLESSED 2009!

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Finally Out of Hospital


Hello all!
Most of you in the Northern half of N. America
are snowed in like us. I pray for everyone in this situation.
I just got out of the hospital.
( 4 days)
I have almost 800 emails
to reply to,
so if you have written to me in the past few weeks
(through the multiple
delays I've had)
please know I will reply to your emails ASAP.
I have to go back in January when my Dr. gets back
from holidays. She didn't want me to be abused by the Dr. on
call while she is gone.
This hospital stay was one of the rarest, kindest, best, I ever experienced. Mom & I were both in the E.R together again,
and she needed help as much as I
did, but they sent her home with nothing! I did a lot of praying
that she and I would be inspired to know that to do for her
health problems and that she would be OK alone
while I was in the hospital. She did well. Tomorrow I have to
get her to another Dr. since the E.R. didn't know how to help her
very large, painful red leg. Lupus is SO frustrating!! Jumps from place to
place in the body causing inflammation and pain and damage
in a different place every few days.
I hope your Christmas was peaceful!

Blessings,
Bluebirdy

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Check out more Christmas greetings at...


Check out more Christmas greetings at one of my other blogs:


Blessings,

You only fail if...


You only fail if you decide to not get up just one more time after being knocked down again and again!!



I'll lay me down

And bleed awhile

Then

Rise & fight Again!

-Sir Andrew Barton

(-old war saying)


Wednesday, 17 December 2008

LORD Please send angels, physical ones and spiritual ones!


I am so tired! It feels as if I have been in labor for 6 days. How many women can do that? With my second daughter, I was in labor for 3 weeks straight. She was 2 months premature and they had IV medicine going into both arms trying to stop her from coming too early. That was VERY hard, but I did not have to push her out every couple of hours, like this illness is acting like. Every few hours I push uncontrollably as if I am giving birth to a baby or to some part of my body. Too weak to even shower or bath or change clothes or think or get something to eat or talk on the phone or to think of a solution. I just lay here and pray and listen to the TV to try to get my mind off the pain. Too weak to go get medical help. Have no one here to help me, my mother is upstairs very sick too. She needs to go to the Dr. in 12 hours and I have to think of how to get her there because I can't take her. There is no way to explain how tired pneumonia makes a person, and how tired childbirth makes a person, and I am experiencing it many times a day. Lupus has almost the same degree of fatigue...and I'm running out of adrenaline to keep pushing myself on. My brother is having what seems like a nervous breakdown and I am too weak to even understand his feelings or to encourage him. I always thought God made me his sister so that I could help him with his heavy weight in life, and I have failed him too. I am useless most of the time. I feel half dead. I want to go "home" if this is how life will be. You are not "living" unless you can be "doing" something. This is not life. It took me an hour to write this. I hope the saying is true that says "It's always darkest just before the dawn". That would mean that things will turn around soon. Depression stinks! Please don't tell me to just snap out of it or just cheer up. Things like that do not work when a person is too weak to breathe or eat or change clothes for days. Too tired to know what to pray for, so I will ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me. I'd cry if I had more strength.
Blessings...
whoever I am. lol

Tuesday, 16 December 2008







THANK YOU!



Thank you my friends, for your patience in reading my blog. I am sure it is very hard to read all these trials. I'm sure some have chosen not to visit my blog anymore because it isn't all sunshine and roses...but there are some of you with huge hearts and lots of faith that gives you the strength to stick with me. It's so very frustrating to LIVE through these things, so I'm sure it must be tiring and frustrating to READ about all these things. I have gotten a few comments saying that there is no way all these things could happen to one person. Well, I wouldn't believe it either if I were not living it. I hope to be more positive soon, when I'm not completely overwhelmed and worn down with pain. My blog followers have made my life so much richer. Thanks again.





Monday, 15 December 2008

I do things the BIG way!

I called my Dr. today to find out why the medicine I've had for 5 days isn't working as fast as it should, and if I needed something stronger, (like an intravenous antibiotic,) if I could possibly get it done at home by home health care instead of going back to the hospital to get abused. Just my luck, my Dr. was not in today, but the nurse looked at my test results on the computer, and I have infection AND kidney stones! NO WONDER IT HURTS SO MUCH!! When I get an illness, I have to go all the way, don't I?
    When I got the flu, I didn't just stop with the flu. I had to do it really well and go on to get pneumonia/bronchitis and asthma.
    I am still coughing from that while trying to deal with the kidney pain. I just felt so alone today. The pain is bad enough that I need E.R. help. Kidney pain is worse than childbirth...but like I have said before, if you go to the local E.R. alone, you are abused, as explained below in my explanation of my abuse and my mom being hauled off by security guards for telling a male nurse that I was too sick to change my own clothes right at that moment.
      I was offered an appointment at the clinic, but I can't get there alone. I would need someone to help me walk to and from the car and maybe even a wheelchair, and I won't go to the hospital alone, so I am at home holding the pillow over my mouth as I scream when the pain attacks come and go. Then I ask the Lord why I can't even have one friend in this city that would help me get to the hospital or clinic. Mom is too sick to go with me. Well here comes another attack, got to go. I am SO exhausted, feeling like I'm in labor for 5 days. Still about 20 below, too cold to expose my painful body to that cold which causes muscle spasms. SO frustrated!
    Oh well, I will lean on the Lord. He is my strength and comfort. I just need a hug.
Bluebirdy

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Amazing What A Human Can Endure, Isn't It?

Find all sorts of goodies with this slogan and the bottom of the blog at www.butyoudontlooksick.com

What's the saying? No rest for the wicked, or no rest for the weary? I must be both. lol.

Crazy 2 months-unbelievable amount of legal work I had to do, then HUGE work project for US government, then Mom in E.R. with flu/pneumonia, then I got flu, then pneumonia/bronchitis/asthma, then my computer died, losing 10 years of every precious picture and bit of information on it, then second computer breaks, then I develop some problem that feels exactly like I am in labor, end up in the hospital, I get abused, and my mother gets bullied and pulled out of my room by security guards because she told my abusive male nurse that I was in too much pain to change myself, so could he please get a woman nurse if he is not willing to help.


I know already which friends I will be making angry by saying that I am exhausted and a bit discouraged, but sorry if I offend those of you, because what I am going through is VERY tough at the moment. IT WILL get better, but unbearable pain+exhaustion+abuse when I seek help, affects your strength and attitude. Everything is NOT so positive right now. I WANT TO BE UP AND ACCOMPLISHING THINGS AND GETTING READY FOR CHRISTMAS!

This section was written on December 7, just so you can keep track of what has happened in what order in this series of events.


The mystery of the disappearing decade.

I have lost track of time. It has been week after week of one serious occurrence after another. I apologize for the length of this blog. I have shortened it many times, but it's the only way to explain my MUCH TOO ADVENTUROUS last month or two.

It seems as if a few overwhelming events happened before I took Mom to the hospital for the flu a few weeks ago, but I can't remember all of them. I know the Internet service man came to replace my modem and cable wiring for my Internet. A couple of days later, Mom got pneumonia or bronchitis and I got the flu. Then Mom's health cleared up and I got pneumonia/bronchitis and asthma. I was planning on getting a computer repairman to come to the house for about a month because of computer problems, but there were many delays. A complicated project of proofreading I had to do for US gov't, and then me getting sick so I didn't want to pass my illness on to the repairman, so I delayed calling, until my computer had a meltdown.


Well about a week ago, (maybe more, I have lost sense of time), my computer died. It would not even turn on. My brother was good enough to take it into a shop to have it fixed. I had a note on the side of the computer telling the problems I had been having with it, along with a note that said DON'T ERASE ANYTHING WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! I HAVE IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS ON HERE, AND ALL MY EMAIL ADDRESSES FROM THE PAST 10 YEARS ON THE DISK IN THE CD ROM. I had 10 years of important information on this computer, and I had saved the most critical information on a disk, which was still in the computer, but the power could not be turned on to get the disk out. The tech took apart the machine and found that the motherboard had burned out, due to the fan breaking. (The fan cools down the parts inside.)

Something had also happened to the hard drive as well, so I LOST ALL INFORMATION! The Tech couldn't get the disk out for days, so I just went into mourning, thinking of all that I had lost.


If any of you have my email address, will you please write to me to I can add you to my address book? Also if you have any old emails from me with email addresses of my friends on them, could you send me those? Unless people write to me, I have lost them all! A few might write to see if I am still alive or not, but I feel like everything I've done from bed on this computer for the past 10 years has just been lost. All my work, friends, writing, all my pictures of my grandchildren, 2 of which I have not even met yet, collections of encouraging inspirational forwards, all my writing, all my journal entries, books that I had saved information about and started to write... all that I have learned from the hardships that I have experiences, encouraging emails from dear friends that I read again and again, all the legal work that was recently sent to the courthouse to get my husband home due to hardship...all gone! I thought one of the reasons I was still on this earth was to write these books. Now everything I saved for them, every thought I had about them is GONE! So I even felt like my life's purpose was lost.

It's good that this happened AFTER I sent the info to the court, but this lawyer loses half of my information over and over, so if she loses it again, I don't have extras to send to her. I think that I am losing hope of being with my husband. Too many things have gone wrong for 5 years of trying to get him here. Not only do we have to get him out of the war zone, as a civilian instead of a military man (but he is working for UK and USA gov't in translations), but also he has to immigrate. One of the things needed for me to sponsor him is that I must be able to take care of him for 10 years in case he can't get a job or in case he gets in an accident or gets sick, and the legal system's stress has made my lupus so severe that I can no longer even care for myself, much less care for someone else. My husband is angry about that, because he WANTS to be here to help care for my family, who are so alone we don't even have a friend or neighbor to help us shovel a sidewalk or take us to the hospital. He wants to care for us. I think I won't be with my husband until after we are resurrected. I have days that I am very hopeful about us, but right now I am losing hope about us. Maybe because I was/am too overwhelmed to think with strength and positivism.


I am so tempted to go back to saving everything possible with pen and paper again, like before I got the computer 10 years ago, and anything electronic that MUST be saved, I will be saving to a removable USB memory stick that has more memory than my whole computer. I will use the computer for keeping in touch with others, and research, and for my writing, and proofreading job, but not for storing information.


Thank the Lord that we had a spare computer in the house that we just paid $150 to get repaired a few days before, so I started to hook it up to the Internet, but got to a certain point where I had to call my ISP (Internet service provider) to get codes and numbers, so I called them, and the technician on the phone started arguing with me, telling me it was impossible for me to have 3 computers in my house that all were connected to the Internet. I asked if I could please talk to someone else because I really don't want to fight, I just want my email working again. He said "OK let's try something else here." He led me from one place to another in my computer, and then told me to delete my drivers! I don't know much about computers, but I know the drivers are what make things work, like the monitor, sound, and everything else. I said, "Erase the drivers? Then how will I run my computer?" He said he wanted to see if those drivers were the reason for not being able to get onto the Internet, then he would help me re-install the drivers from my original disks in a minute. So I did what he said, then he told me to call the shop that the computer had just gone to a few days ago to see if they were able to get it onto the Internet, then call him back. I called the shop; they said they COULD get online. I called back the ISP, and that same technician refused to talk to me! I asked to speak to a supervisor, and told him that one of his employees just told me to delete all my drivers, and that it would cost about $150 to get the computer fixed, and I already had one computer in the shop, and is there any help he could offer me, since it was that employee's fault? He acknowledged that it was the company's fault, and said he would send a computer tech to the house in the morning to re-install everything that was lost. I really appreciated him doing that. So now I had 2 computers break down in 2 days, and was still a bit sick. I was so nerve-worn and physically worn out, and afraid that I would lose most of my friends.


What a blessing I have this blog!! All that is stored online on this blog is safe, and all of my dear friend that I have made through this blog can still find me. If not for this blog, I would have felt like my life just disappeared into thin air.


After a few days of taking the first computer apart, the computer shop got the CD with my info out of the computer, and I got it back, but something happened to that also, so when I tried to transfer the information back onto the spare computer, it tells me "transfer error", so I can't even retrieve the address book and other important business information and pictures from the disk! It will take months to replace every program and retrievable information back onto my computer. This computer has less memory, so I will have to use the memory on the computer for the programs, and save anything else on an external hard drive.


I know that there is a reason for everything, but I am eager to know the reason for this. I know things just happen, but to not even be able to get my information off of the disk I saved it to, that's just strange. Too strange to make sense.


I went into mourning for about 24 hours. The more things I realized that I lost, the harder I would cry. I got myself so upset that I started thinking about not only the things I lost on the computer, but that I had lost my first husband, all of their family that I loved like blood relatives, I lost my children when I had to leave the USA in a hurry, I lost my grandchildren because I have been too sick to get back to meet them, I lost my Dad, one brother is estranged, one sister told me she would never travel with me again to help me go see my daughters because she is scared of my diabetes. She did take me to see one daughter 8 years ago; I got to see both girls for 3 hours and to the younger daughter's wedding. Now she tells me she is going to visit my daughter and go to her Mrs. Idaho pageant that she will not go with me. I need help traveling, so I won't be seeing my daughter in the pageant. So I feel like have lost my sister. I feel like I have lost everything except my Mother. I am so very grateful for living in a peaceful country with no pollution, and for my overflowing basket of blessings, and for having food and shelter, but feel like I've lost everything else. I guess the saying "If you have your health, you have everything" is true, and the converse is true. If you are too sick to even care for yourself, you don't have much of a life.


Through the mess of trying to fix these 2 computers to get back online, my brother who lives locally completely flew off the handle and said some emotionally destroying things, so I thought I had lost him too, and God has some unknown reason for keeping my new husband and I apart, so I was mourning for everyone I had lost. There will be friends who will think I am dead, or think I am just ignoring them, and I hope some will write to me so I can explain what happened, and get their email addresses again.

Another blessing happened though. After my brother's heartbreaking outburst, the next day he brought me a cute toy white monkey holding a red heart pillow with "I love you" on it, as an apology, so I gave him a big hug and was so happy that he apologized and made up with me. With his mental illness, he's very much a "scrooge" (incurable negative grouch) and so I didn't expect him to ever get over his anger. Because of lots of prayer, and a soft hard under a hard exterior, he did. He felt sad for making me upset.

It took 5 repairmen to get me back online, working on 2 computers. It's also a blessing that we had a spare computer so I didn't have to wait to buy a new one. After the ISP technician left, my brother decided he would help by taking the RAM (memory card) from my first broken computer and put it into this second computer. He opened it up, put in the ram, then when he closed it up, a part from the back of the computer fell out, and I was no longer able to get online again! This made it the 4th time that things were done to cause the computer to not be able to get online! I didn't plan on telling him about the problem, because his first abusive outburst to me happened when I was telling him that he didn't have to worry about fixing my computer, because that a technician was being sent over to do it for free, and he yelled and screamed that he had to do it himself, and that's his curse in life and it never ends and on and on, and I told him I was trying to make this easier for him, and he told me he was trying to make things easier for me, and we fought about it. So there is no way that I could tell him that he broke my computer again, or there was no telling what he would do in his mental illness-scrooge-state of mind. I didn't know whom I would get to help me this time. I don't have the strength to carry the computer to a shop to fix it and I felt too sick to get a technician to come sit in my bedroom while I was sick in bed, so I just thought I would do without for a week or so. A couple of days later, my brother came over and asked why I was not on the commuter, because usually the computer is on 24/7. I just told him I was in too much pain right now, but he said "That never stopped you before, isn't it working?" I said, "I'm not sure, when I feel better I will test it and see." He came over and saw the part in the back of the computer that had fallen out, swore, tore all the wires off, walked out of the room with the computer, yelling about this being his curse in life and he wishes he could never see another computer as long as he lives and why is God doing this to him etc. etc. and he fixed it in just a couple of minutes, and brought it back in, turned it on, and it got online! I told him thanks a million and I really appreciate all that he has done but to please turn it off because I can't even bear the light or sound right now. So after a few hours when the pain eased up, I was happily, finally online again!


I was surprised that I cried so hard when I lost all of this info, and I really worked myself into a bad emotional place. I just had too much stress all at once and not enough energy to deal with it all. I am still trying to recover from the pneumonia/ bronchitis/ asthma, which has caused other complications with diabetes and lupus, then I had 4 MAJOR confrontations while trying to get my computer back online, 2 with family and 2 with the Internet company. I was sensitive due to the anniversaries of Dad's death, of my parents marriage, my first marriage, my new marriage, (all within days) and started wondering why God wanted me so very isolated and alone despite how sick I am, and how much help I needed. I started thinking of how Mom is the only human being I talk face to face with and can hug, and what will I do when she dies? I'm so glad we are so close and love each other so much. I started feeling so useless and hopeless and I hope someday to understand why God wants me to be so very alone (physically) through all of these trials. I know that was just Satan working on me when I was already down, and it passed soon. Our Redeemer IS there to comfort us, and He does, whenever we ask. He helped me remember many comforting scriptures, which calmed me down, such as "Worry not for tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring troubles of its own." And "He will supply all your needs" and "I will never leave nor forsake you" and many more. He is more powerful than Satan, and can send Satan away. I am blessed to have the emotional support of my Internet friends, and it helps A LOT, but no one can get through life alone. We all need the help of other people physically, and I hope the Lord will soon help in that area. I was ashamed of my "falling apart", but I guess everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes.

It does feel like I lost my mind, because everything that is in my mind was in that computer. My daily chores, weekly, monthly, my budget, the bills I have to pay, gift lists for all year long for birthdays and Christmas, grocery list, and due to my bad memory from illness, I have to write down everything. If I don't write down to brush my teeth, even that sometimes doesn't get done.

I have no right to complain, really. All of these problems are nothing compared to the torment of war that my husband is living every day, and the hardships of most people in these last days. I was ashamed of my negative feelings, but those are only human. Well I am thankful to be online so soon. It could have been worse. My sister is traveling here tomorrow in bad weather, so I am praying for her safety. She says she will help me get my Christmas boxes to the post office. I should go get her family's gifts wrapped and do some decorating before she gets here. It feels good to be in touch with you again. To you, it was just a couple of days since you heard from me, but to me, it felt like a traumatic month or so.
Blessings, All!
Bluebirdy


Written Dec 10/08
THE GIFTS THAT SCARED PEOPLE TO DEATH
This is just the latest of my husband's experiences there in the middle of the town that the Taliban are attacking. Yesterday is EID, which is the Muslim equivalent of Christmas. They have Eid in the Himalayan Mtns where my hubby is. It is the day that Abraham took his son to a mountain to offer him as a sacrifice, and then God stopped him before he actually did it. The Muslims slaughter an animal such as a goat or cow, and have a feast with the meat and exchange gifts. The houses in the area where my husband is, is like the times of Jesus. Each house is built in a square, with the rooms along the outside walls, then an empty courtyard in the center. There is a door from each of the rooms to the center courtyard, and there are steps up to the roof of the house. If anyone remembers the story in the Bible of the house where Jesus went to preach, and there was a very sick man laying on a stretcher, and he was lowered from the roof into the house where Jesus was preaching, well I could not picture how a person could be lowered into a house from the roof until I saw pictures of these houses with the courtyard.

Anyway, in the morning, they heard a huge helicopter, called a war-ship, getting closer and closer. It has 2 ends so it can fly backwards or frontwards, and they can shoot from the helicopter from both ends. It was getting so low and so loud it was scaring people, so everyone on the street where the houses are where my husband is, came out of their house into their courtyard. It was so close, they thought the people in the plane were going to start shooting into the houses or land on one of the roofs or something. The young wife next door to my husband fainted, and the heart specialist in the house on the other side of my husband's also passed out. They threw something out of the warship, and an elderly lady yelled, "IT'S A GRENADE! RUN!" She ran. When my husband looked closer, it was flat folded up cloth in plastic. They had thrown out about 5 in the courtyard of each house. They were shawls, (head coverings/hijabs), pretty ones, as EID gifts!

My husband has medical experience, and a few seconds later someone was at the door asking him to come next door to check the heart specialist who had passed out because he was not waking up. My husband went there, check the heartbeat etc. and his heart rate was dangerously slow, so he got the sons of the house to get the father to the hospital immediately. Then he called me to tell me what had just happened, and while we talked, another phone rang, and when he answered it, he was told that his neighbor had just passed away.

I want my husband to write a story to the newspaper, using an anonymous name if necessary to protect his safety, to tell what happened and to tell whoever gave those gifts that it was not such a good idea, and he wonders how many other people fainted or had heart attacks from that "gift giving" excursion.

About every 3 days now he has a very close encounter with death, even though he is working there as a civilian translator, not a soldier in combat. Last week there was a Taliban yelling at a woman who only had a shawl on her head instead of wearing a bursa that covers you from head to toe. My husband risked his life and went to the Taliban man and said "excuse me, but if you will have mercy on her, I am sure she will not make the same mistake again. Will you let her go just this once?" The Taliban man asked the woman if she will wear a burqa next time and she said yes. Then the Taliban guy told my husband "You know, if you grow a full beard it would be much better for you." He said this because this month, laws were made that women must wear burqas head to toe and women must not work in public anymore unless it is in medical care, and men wearing no beard can be imprisoned for 60 days, and partial beard can be imprisoned for 30 days. My husband has a baby face. He can only grow a partial beard, so he could have been taken prisoner right then, but my husband said "I am really trying, sir. My beard has never been very heavy. I know I should have a beard, and that woman knows she should have a burqa, but these rules are very new to us." The Taliban said "Would you like to sit and have tea with me?" My husband said "No thankyou, I need to get my marketing done, but thank you for being so kind." So now my husband hopes that one man stays guard on that corner, because he has made friends with him and will be safe as he goes to and from market with only part of a beard. Another Taliban man might not be so merciful. It's so sad. This valley is called SWAT; it is halfway between Afghanistan and China on the Kashmir border. It is the "Shangri-la" of the oriental traditional stories, a heavenly valley now overtaken by the Taliban because they want it for their own headquarters. A heavenly, peaceful mountain valley, away from civilization, has now been turned into a valley of torment and war. I have almost given up hope that my husband and I will ever be together until the resurrection. We are really stuck in a touch situation. We love each other too much to split up and be with anyone else, and there's no way we could stop thinking about each other, yet we can't be together either. Star-crossed lovers, maybe?





Written Dec. 13
Just moments after my sister left from her visit, I ended up on the floor, writhing in pain, in more pain than I knew a human being could endure. I was taken to the hospital, and abused so badly, and even my mother was abused so badly when she came to be with me, that I had to write a letter to the hospital administration, and if I don't get any action from them, I will take the case to the newspapers and to the higher medical boards in the province. I have HAD IT with this medical abuse when I am too sick to even defend myself! I was literally SCREAMING in pain and couldn't control it, and could not move on my own or think, and could talk only between screams and breaths, 1 word at a time...and when I needed help the most, I was insulted, neglected and my mother was taken out of the E.R. by security guards! Rather than try to write the whole incident again, I am going to post here the letter I wrote to the Hospital Administration. If this abusive male nurse dies not get disciplined from administration, I will take the case higher. I have changed some of the words for this blog, in case some of you are sensitive to terms of human functions. I made it more technical for the hospital administrator.


Dear Administrator;
I had an experience in the E.R. that I need to let you know about. I am upset enough that I am considering going to the newspaper and perhaps some higher authorities unless you can help me discipline the male nurse that was responsible.
On Thursday, Dec. 11, it was the second day that when I had to use the washroom, my whole torso would create one huge muscle spasm/contraction, like it felt when my body was being squeezed while giving birth. I had no clue what could cause that, but it would last for at least half an hour. It was just as intense as giving birth. I have had kidney stones, lupus nephritis kidney attacks, and other severe pain that I live with regularly, but NOTHING compared to this. I wondered if I was giving birth to a kidney or something! Friday afternoon, it was not going away as it had each time previously, and whatever was happening to me was squeezing me so hard that I fell to the floor and it was squeezing air out of me and through my throat, making me scream, and I couldn't control it. By then the pain had localized to right high kidney area and radiated down to my bladder area, and it was worse than any pain I had ever experienced.
I live with my mother, and in between these spasms and breaths, I yelled for her to call 911. The paramedics got here, but my house is built in a way that there's no way to get the gurney/stretcher into the house, so they lifted me up from under my armpits and were pretty much carrying me out, helping scoot my feet ahead at the same time.
When I got to the hospital and they helped me roll onto the hospital bed, I was still yelling and so terribly embarrassed about it! I have to deal with a lot of pain DAILY, with lupus and trigeminal neuralgia and fibromyalgia, but I have been very strong and silent about it. I avoid the E.R. until I think I might die, because in my experience of living in Lethbridge 11 years, I have found that if you go to the E.R. alone, you are insulted, abused, neglected, under-treated, but as soon as you take someone with you to be a "witness" or advocate, the things that the staff would say to me WITHOUT a witness/advocate, just don't happen.
I think I passed out from the pain once I got on the bed, and was awakened by a male nurse saying "Sheila, take off your shirt and put on this gown." He THREW the gown at me. I said in between breaths/spasms..."I can't move." He said, "The paramedics told me you got up and walked to the ambulance yourself, so don't give me that, and your screaming is completely unnecessary and you can stop that right now."
If I would have had a pillow, I would have put it over my face to muffle my screaming. He said "Well I am NOT going to change you, and you won't be seen by a Dr. until you change your clothes, so get to it." I tried for about half an hour, and he came back and asked what was my problem, why wasn't I changed, and I said I needed help. At that moment my Mother walked in. She is pretty much bedridden. She only came out of the house to be with me at the hospital. She heard the male nurse say, "You won't be seen until you change your clothes so you might was well get at it." Mom said, "She can't move! She needs help. She's been screaming in pain! If you don't want to help her, why don't you get a female nurse to help change her?" He pointed his finger in my Mom's face and said, "YOU sit DOWN! You are making her THINK she can't do it! She walked to the ambulance! She can change her clothes!" Mom started to describe that I did not walk alone, and the male nurse left and got the security guards, and told Mom to leave. Mom said, "I don't want to! She needs someone with her!" The male nurse said, "Are you going to leave alone or do these security guards carry you out?" Mom said, "I have a right to stay with my daughter!" So the male nurse had the security guards grab my 75-year-old frail mother who has multiple SERIOUS illnesses and haul her away. I didn't know if she might have a stroke or heart attack from that treatment, I didn't know if she was going to jail or going to be locked into a room or be sent out to her car or what was going on, and that made the pain even worse, so I was trying to cover my mouth with my hands to make the screaming and crying stop. I didn't know there WAS pain like this. I was thinking I was going to give birth to a kidney or that something inside me had torn apart or something. Now I was so afraid for my frail Mother, and also very afraid for myself because now I had no advocate, and this cruel nurse could pretty much treat me however he wanted, and it looked like he was going to make me suffer a lot during the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life!! I was SCARED, and now shaking, moaning, crying, and pushing like I was in labor, and pushing on my kidney with my fist as hard as possible because it seemed to help.
A female nurse came in and asked me to explain what I was feeling. In between these contractions or "squeezing attacks", I said "Like pushing out a baby, plus burning kidney pain, going from back to front." She left, and cam back with the male nurse, who said "If we raise you up, can you help us take off your shirt?" I nodded "yes". They raised me up, pulled off my shirt and put on the gown. Then the male nurse said, "See? You could have done that!" I said "No, way." Then he started trying to get an IV into me. He tried 10 times I think, from the marks on my arms, hands and even fingers, and he said "Has anyone ever told you that you need to lose weight?" This man was as fat as I was, but I didn't dare tell him he also needed to lose weight; or for sure he would have tortured me, so I said "It's tough when you have my diseases to lose weight." He said, "Well you're too big to find a vein!" Through my pushing--I said "Did anyone tell you that you need to learn some compassion, and people couldn't find my veins even when I was thin!" I'm not sure if there was 1 male nurse, or 2 that alternated coming in, because I couldn't see clearly due to the tears. I am just grateful for the female nurse that knows that when you are pushing out a baby, you can't move or think or do anything but push and moan.
They got some pain medicine into me, then helped me get to the bathroom for a specimen, and while in there, the attack started again, so I took paper towels to cover my mouth as I screamed because it echoed so much. After half an hour in there, a female nurse knocked on the door to see if I was ok, I said no. She opened the door, and said "why?" I couldn't even talk. I was doing the Lamaze breathing technique used when I had my children. She asked if I needed help to stand up. I nodded my head yes, so he helped me up and pulled up my pants and helped me back to bed.
When the urinalysis came back, Dr. Barsky came to tell me that I had a "little" infection and that he was going to start an antibiotic IV drip. I asked how a "little" infection could hurt more than any kidney stone or lupus nephritis attack I ever had, or even more than another painful condition I have, trigeminal neuralgia, which is also called the suicide disease due to its severity, the Dr. walked away. When the nurse returned with the antibiotic, I asked her the same question. She explained that if your kidneys have any damage, kidney pain can be worse, and maybe it was not a "little" bit of infection, maybe it was more severe than that.
I have also got arrhythmia, and I have had instances where my trigeminal neuralgia pain has made my heart stop. That day I was wishing it would make my heart stop again. I just wanted to die if I would not be getting any help until I could change my own clothes, because I could NOT change my clothes, so I would be there forever in that pain.
I have stayed at home through very serious pain, too serious for me to even get out the door to the ambulance, so I just stayed in bed and fought through the pain myself. Some days I thought my heart would stop and had chest and arm pain, but I knew I had no one to go with me to be my advocate, so I was actually safer to stay at home than to go to the hospital when I was too sick to defend myself.
I don't know what that male nurse was thinking, but I don't EVER want that to happen to another person again! I would appreciate if you would locate the male nurse that was assigned to me. I think his name was Brent or Bruce, and I would appreciate knowing SOON if any action has been taken in regards to him. If I don't hear from you within about 10 days of when you should have gotten this letter, I will be going to higher sources.
There are signs all over the E.R. saying, "This is a harassment/abuse free zone." For the first 3 E.R. appointments our family had after those signs went up, they were the best E.R. visits we had EVER had, so we thought something at the hospital had changed. Maybe the staff had been retrained and rules had been changed, but now I don't know if anything has changed.
My mother and I are seriously ill. I inherited her lupus, which affects all different organs at different times. We are seemingly punished for needing medical care. We bear a LOT of pain at home, and don't come to the hospital until we absolutely can't bear it and we think the incident might kill us, and then it seems we are treated badly as if to discourage us from coming back again.
Medical abuse causes a lot of problems, just as if a husband that she can't divorce is abusing a woman repeatedly. We cannot divorce our illness. We will continue to need emergency care. We try to avoid it, but there are times that we can't, and then the experience is a nightmare because we fear what kind of abuse/neglect we will face when we can barest even speak to remember the questions they ask us or defend ourselves. I can see why some people commit suicide or let themselves die by staying home---when they are faced with the fear of abuse again and again when seeking help. It gets to the point where you cannot face the abuse, combined with the medical crisis, one more time. We have nightmares again and again about being tortured when we need help in the E.R. We can't move away from Lethbridge. I think we show amazing courage to even come back to the E.R. when we KNOW we will be insulted and abused along with what else we are dealing with, but I beg of you to help this abuse stop, by taking one step against one male nurse that had no right to say or do what he did to me and my mother.
I kindly ask you for compassion and assistance in this matter, as life is getting increasingly hard to survive when we are being "punished" for having health problems.
Kind regards and with appreciation,
(my name here)


So how am I now? I continue to have these attacks every few hours that feel as if I am giving birth. I could have pushed out 25 babies by now if I had one baby with each attack. I would have rather done that than to get nothing out of it, because then I could give each child to someone who desperately wants a child. Today is Sunday so I can't get any clinic to help, but I called a nurse hotline that helps with medical questions, and that nurse thinks both my kidney and bowel that is touching my kidney could be infected. I REFUSE to go back to the hospital, so I hold a towel over my mouth as I scream through the attacks. Tomorrow I will call my Dr. and tell her what has been happening and ask if I can be treated at home rather than go back to be neglected and abused at the hospital. I am exhausted after what seems like going through labor every 2 hours. I am discouraged because of the pain and exhaustion. This too shall pass, but at this moment, it doesn't feel like it will pass. With this much pain, there is no "living". I am not eating at all, so because of my diabetes, my Dr. will have to get me treatment tomorrow, either at home or admit me to the hospital. Lupus is such a crazy insane disease! It attacks different parts of the body each day, and I didn't even have a fever with this, because lupus was so busy attacking my body that it did not fight the infection, so the infection continued to grow out of control. I'm sure I wore you all out...but I have no one on earth to talk to about this DRAMATIC life...so I blog it. I need your prayers that these attacks will stop. They are inhuman...TORTURE! Then to get abused when I seek help...I almost want to give up.
Bless you my dear patient friends!
Bluebirdy








Blessings:

1) The Lord helped me get my dozens of Christmas gifts wrapped and in the mail on time!

2) Mom did not suffer any ill effects physically or emotionally from the security guards

3) I am back online because we had a spare computer.

4) The Lord is with me, comforting me. HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE WITHOUT THE LORD IN THEIR LIFE???

Sunday, 7 December 2008

MY COMPUTER DIED!!

My computer, which has served me well 20 hours a day for 7 years finally died. I don't know how long it will take to get it repaired or get a new one, so if I am not answering emails or blogging for a while, you will know why. I WILL MISS YOU! I am so addicted to my computer, it's like an extension of my hands and brain. I use it in bed constantly to work, research and contact friends. Now I'll see what withdrawal is like I guess. I am on my brother's computer, but when I go to my webmail site for my internet provider, my address book is not there, so I am not even able to email my friends and family to tell them why I won't be replying for a while. So frustrating! Oh well, such is life. One more mountain to climb.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Pain relieving Fruit?!?

Interesting video found on my internet home page:
Blessings, Sheila

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Two of my Favorite Jesus Pictures



(I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.) Artist unknown



















The other picture is called ABIDE WITH ME-GREG OLSEN
My favorite Christian artists are Greg Olsen, Simon Dewey, Harry Anderson and James Christensen . You may want to look up those paintings. Type in the name of the person in http://www.google.com/ then choose "images" from the drop down menu that offers "news, websites, images," etc. and you will see actual pictures instead of just websites to try to decide which to use. They are breathtaking artists.

Monday, 1 December 2008

THANKFUL!!!!

I would like to invite you
to click on 3 new songs I have added
to the music box on the right,
that will melt your heart and bless your life.
1) Thankful
2) Mary Did You Know
3) My Grown Up Christmas List

Ladies---I JUST FOUND A TREASURE!



Hey LADIES!
I just found a beautiful, inspiring website! http://www.biblicalwomanhoodonline.com . Now I have a whole new wish list of the beautiful books offered on that site, but even if you don't look at the books they offer, it's a beautiful site! It includes areas for beautiful girlhood, homemaking and other areas as well.

Blessings,
Bluebirdy

A GIFT FOR JESUS



LOVE CAME TO EARTH ON CHRISTMAS DAY
It has always bothered me since I was little, that Jesus didn't get a gift on His own birthday, so I told myself that when I got my own family, there would be a gift for Jesus. We started even before we had children. Instead of New Years's resolutions, each family member writes on a piece of paper what they will do to improve themselves spiritually during the next year. That is their gift to Jesus. They put it in the box and we wrap it and put it under the tree. On Christmas Eve, when the kids open their traditional Christmas Eve gift of pajamas, and we read the Christmas story out loud, we would open the gift we made for Jesus, then put the paper in our room on the wall all year long, to remember the spiritual goal for that year.
Christmas has become MUCH too materialistic. It has lost its original meaning. Now that there is a financial crisis, I am hoping people will lighten up, not go into debt for just one day, that they will make gifts for each other, do more for each other, do more service projects.
The man who got trampled in the doorway of Walmart in the USA on the big sale day after Thanksgiving is one big sign of how overboard and out of line people have gotten with this sacred occasion. It doesn't even resemble the peaceful, quiet, sharing, spiritually uplifting day that it started out to be, and stayed that way until about 1900. Time to turn back the clock to a gentler time. Give Jesus the gift of yourself this year and every year.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy
(Jesus Is The Reason For The Season)




Laying Low!

TV commercials are running often, trying to teach the public to sneeze and cough into their elbow, not into their hand. When you cough/sneeze into your hand, the germs from your hands get onto everything you touch and spreads disease. I haven't gotten this habit yet. Old habits are hard to break.

I just thought my flu was hanging on longer than usual because of having a chronic illness. Finally the constant coughing was wearing me out so I went to the Dr. today. Turns out I have pneumonia, bronchitis and asthma. I was given an antibiotic shot, 2 different inhalers (puffers), a $40 cough medicine (that is an insane price here where medicine is free) and I'm back on oxygen. She said I'm probably too sick for this understaffed hospital, and could be a better nurse to myself at home since I have the oxygen at home. I guess since I always feel weak and sick, the fatigue of pneumonia wasn't too much different. So now...what are the benefits of this? Gotta find the silver lining of each gray cloud.
1) I can stay home and try to care for Mom, keep an eye on her.
2) I'm glad I have it and not Mom. I would rather be sick than watch someone I love be sick.
3) Most of the medicine and Dr. visit were free.

It's now 8 hours since I took the $40 cough medicine and I'm coughing worse than before. I took some cheap stuff to try to work, some cough drops constantly seem to help most of all, coating my throat with its sugar. Frustrating. Oh well...could be worse I guess.

Now...to figure out how to get all the gifts wrapped in 5 days for the mailing deadline of Dec. 5. OH GOSH I'M GLAD I DID ALL THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR!

Friday, 28 November 2008

I thought you might like these

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  1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
  2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
  3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
  4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
  5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
  6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
  7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
  8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
  9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
  10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to big ones.


Thursday, 27 November 2008

Just being silly.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS!


YUCK!

Oh dang! The tigger up above us supposed to be animated and his tongue is hanging out and swinging back and forth like he just tasted something awful. Too bad animated pictures work in the side bar but not in the main blog!



I was told the flu of last year and this year is an especially tough one, making people much sicker for much longer. Mom and I both have it. She got over it in a week so I am hoping that will happen to me too. It's day 4 for me, but feels like it's down in my lungs already. Stupid temperature is 104f (40 c) even with the fever medicine. I remember reading that chicken soup made with real chicken, not artificial flavoring, has anti-viral and antibiotic properties and has saved whole towns during flu epidemics, so I am living on that. I'm sure it will pass, because of all my dear friends praying for me. It's just yucky for a few days. WASH YOUR HANDS A LOT--AVOID THIS YEAR'S FLU...ITS A ROUGH ONE!
Blessings,


HANG IN THERE!



Friday, 21 November 2008

More on Inner Strength

So to carry this thought 1 step further (see 2 posts below "Inner Strength")
 
SINCE...there is no other way to develop this inner strength except for the continuous battle of chronic pain and illness,
 
COULD IT BE....that certain people in this generation have been given these weird new illnesses, (mostly due to environmental toxins, such as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, Lupus, Gulf War Syndrome, and any undiagnosed and/or auto-immune disease that goes through the whole system of the body)
in order to strengthen us for the worst part of the last days?? 
    Another thought is this. The only thing we take with us is what we learn and our relationships. So those of us who have learned this inner strength will be a little bit ahead after the resurrection, and may be called upon to be teachers, guides, missionaries, counselors, leaders to those who did not have the opportunity to learn what we learned through constant pain.
Just my humble opinion.
Bluebirdy

Thursday, 20 November 2008

A Bit of Excitement!





















Today, my younger daughter, Tina, was named "Mrs. Western Idaho"! She will be in the Thanksgiving Parade in Boise Idaho, then will go on to the Mrs. Idaho pageant in April, and possibly on to Mrs. America and Mrs. World. Here is the website about the pageant. http://www.mrsidahoamerica.com/ It seems a bit odd. I thought my girls and I were cute, and "not ugly", but I have never thought of any of us as gorgeous or beautiful, even when each of us modeled, and even my grandsons have modeled and been in magazines. I just can't see it. I guess I look for deeper traits than outside beauty. My girls are pretty enough to have made their parents worry during their single years, for sure...so I should have known then, that they are great looking. I never understood the benefits of being too pretty, since I was hassled by men so much. Anyway, I digress. It will be a great experience for my daughter. If you want to meet her and her family, her blog is at http://coreytinaandboys.blogspot.com/. Tina was 2 months premature, and was only 3 lbs. and a few ounces at birth. Here is a picture of her sitting in a baseball glove when she is about 6 weeks old, so she was much smaller when she was born.

This is my older daughter, Crystal, 2 years older than Tina. I am just as proud of her life and and accomplishments. She has experienced so much, so young, and come through cheerful and optimistic at every turn. She is a great lady. The girls are so opposite, so different, so I love different things in each of them. Crystal doesn't blog, but one of her budding businesses is a speed-dating business which will be great in the college town she lives in. The website is not complete yet but the beginning is http://www.icebreakers101.com/.



























Here they are together with each of their 2 boys:



We are all writers. Both girls and myself are writing books, and my brother got his book published in June. It is an encyclopedia of healing herbs and foods and natural remedies. It took 8 hours a day for 11 years to write it and take all the pictures out in the fields, and when it got published, it was 4 large books, each too expensive for the general public, so we are also offering it on e-book and CD-Rom. If you look up any symptom, every natural remedy (from North America) will show up. If you type in any herb or food or plant, a picture of the item and all of the health problems it is used for pops up. You can see that at: http://tinyurl.com/2lw2yy
If you have been watching the news in the past few hours, about 5 hours ago, a fireball fell to the earth not far from my city. It was as big as a house, and it is being reported internationally. It was a meteorite, and landed just S.E. of Calgary Alberta almost on the border of Saskatchewan. I don't have pictures or video yet, it is too new, but it was exciting, lots of people saw it and wondered where it would land. Thank goodness it landed out in the country, not in the middle of a city. It reminds me of Superman who landed on earth that way. Did you know the Superman creator was Canadian? Did you know the movies and the series were filmed in Alberta, Canada? And now a meteorite HAS landed in Alberta. Think there's a superman in there? HAHAHA ROFL There will be lots of people driving to the crash site to see the deep crater it made. Might be a nice day trip, maybe we'll go too. (see
http://www.ctvnews.ca for more about the fireball).



I had to take Mom to the E.R. and it was a great and speedy experience, with our favorite Dr. attending, when she was told she would be getting a different Dr., one we wish would disappear....so it was a great day!


Its so nice to be able to have someone to share my excitement and good times with, as well as my struggles.



Blessings,






Inner Strength


 
A new member of my fibromyalgia support group said something that was profound. It does not only pertain to those with fibromyalgia, but all who have chronic pain and have kept their faith. She said,
"Hello Guys! I'm back!
     I'm feeling better - and I didn't kill anyone with this flare up - can you believe it!!
     I've been reading the daily digest - you guys are amazing! Staying positive, giving advice, not getting irritated - congrats!
     I really think we have Fibro to show the world how strong you really can be. People without Fibro doesn't have that "inner power" we do - we cope with life, pain, rejection and heck knows what else and we
stay positive, we help others ... in a way Fibro makes us stronger.
    I hope to chat to you guys soon - I'll be checking my email every few minutes!"

 
     Its very hard for people who are struggling with pain and not able to accomplish the basics, to think of themselves as strong, but this friend is right. Even though we are limited, and feel useless, we have an inner strength that we might never have gotten in any other way. Every cloud, no matter how long lasting and how destructive, does have a silver lining, but it often takes years to see any benefits of the suffering. There is always a purpose for everything.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Finding the benefit in trials.

They say that every gray cloud has a silver lining. There is also a scripture that says that ALL things work for good for those who love the Lord. ALL things, no matter how terrible. What an awesome feeling. Therefore, I have been trying to think of the good things that come out of tough situations. Even though I am confused about why God would finally drop this "cure" into my life, and then kind of take it away, because it caused a lupus flare, there have been benefits. At least 4 of my family, 4 of my friends, and quite a few blog readers have had their lives changed by D-ribose, so I feel as if I did help someone in this life, even from my bed! Each trial is just another lesson to learn. The pain that comes from a stress or crisis are only growing pains. Pains of change, stretching, exercising parts of your mind and spirit that you didn't know you had in you. I had to stop looking at each crisis as "Oh no, I can't take this stress anymore" and had to start thinking "Ok, so here we have another opportunity to learn something in order to grow and to help others, and I have help, the Lord promised to never forsake me or leave me."

I am feeling human again thanks to very low doses of prednisone, the lupus medicine I usually avoid like I'd avoid a poisonous snake, but even snake venom has some medicinal properties when used wisely.

It was my husband's and my third anniversary on the 15th, and still no honeymoon, but the legal papers are all in now, and I hope that's the end of the paperwork. Now we will get our day in court to present our case as to why to get my husband here from the war zone. Its in the Lord's hands now. I have pros and cons in mind for both situations, whether we win or lose. Whatever is God's will, I will accept and will know it is for my own good and part of my "mission" here on earth. I will still be in mourning if the Lord says "no" about us getting together, but I'll do whatever the Lord wants me to.

Blessings,

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Frustrated and Speechless-(sort of)


It's hard to think of myself as being rendered speechless, but I was. I had something I wanted to share, but after such wonderful things were said about me in that review and in the many comments after the review, I wondered if I dared post what was happening now, in case it might change everyone's view of me...but I started this blog planning to show the good and the bad in my life, so that when I am healed, people will know it was real, so I guess I'd better open up and be honest.

Mel very generously overestimated me. I am not the wise (spiritually) person that I think he sees me as. I get lost and frustrated and confused just like everyone else. Now is one of these times.

When I felt so changed with that nutritional supplement, (d-ribose), I thought God had given me a miracle, a healing. I accepted completely that I was healed, and I had gotten a miracle. I thanked Him so many times a day, and after a cautious waiting period to make sure it was not temporary, I got the courage to share my miracle with others, and they also praised God for it, for my healing and for the hope that they might get a miracle too. I hope they do, but people with lupus or other severe auto-immune disease might have a bad reaction. I say might, because maybe mine is an isolated case. I don't know.
I thought my loving Heavenly Father had finally rewarded me, like He rewarded Job after Job losing everything and suffering so much. I thought I was going to get the chance to be functional again, and feel alive and experience joy again, but it didn't last long. I am thankful for the memory of how life felt during that time, though.

I had to stop taking the D-ribose. It appears that it is so good for you, that it even strengthens your immune system. Well for a person with lupus, that can be fatal, because already our immune system is too strong, and the fighter cells attack our bodies and organs as if they are germs or foreign objects in our body. We can't even spend time in the sun, because the sun also strengthens your immune system, making lupus worse. I got so sick that for a few days I wasn't able to roll over in bed to reply to my emails, but I could read them, and was too weak to talk, or to hold up a book to read. I had a seizure, and another time, I think I got very close to death again, because I saw some of the things that I have seen during other near death experiences. I saw some wonderful things, but things that I have no words for, so I don't know how to explain it to people. I am still spending a lot of time thinking about those images and
trying to think of how to describe them.

There is a medicine used for lupus, (cortisone) and it's very strong and has such terrible side affects that I always said I would rather die of lupus than die of the side affects of that medicine. I have only been desperate enough to try it about 3 times in my life. I prayed for guidance about how to get feeling better. Obviously it's not my time to die, and I could not just lay there helpless forever. The impression I got was to take that medicine. I didn't want to do it. I called Mom upstairs and asked her advice. She has that medicine because she also has lupus. It suppresses the immune system so the fighter cells in your blood stop attacking you, and helps with any swelling or inflammation in the body. I spent days passing out and trying to do this US gov't proofreading project during the moments I was awake. I had pancreatitis, inflammation of the pancreas, and it has many nasty symptoms. The worst was that I kept passing out from my blood sugar going too high or too low because my pancreas was out of control. Mom said that the side affects of that medicine only come with large doses and long term use, but when I talked to my Dr. , she talked about large doses like 10 pills a day, or even put me in the hospital with cortisone IV, but said she didn't trust this hospital much, we are not even checked on often enough during the day while in this hospital. I didn't want the side affects from doing that, so I took a few pills and cut them into 4, and during the day would take one tiny piece of the pill, with a bite of food so I wouldn't get sicker. This is the third day of doing that, and finally many symptoms have lessened, I feel strong enough to type again, but not strong enough to get in the shower yet. So I am thankful now for this strong medicine with horrible side affects, in small doses, BUT...


I am wondering
WHY WOULD GOD GIVE ME THAT CURE,
AND A CHANCE AT LIVING AGAIN, THEN TAKE IT AWAY???
ANY IDEAS?
I accepted that healing! I thanked the Lord SO many times a day for it. I told others about my healing and my miracle and they also praised the Lord about it! I was convinced I had been given another chance at life, to have enough strength to enjoy life or to function a bit more than I do.


I know I will learn in time the reason why God took my healing away....but until I learn that, my feelings are hurt like a child whose parents did something that hurt the child, but was for the child's own good. I feel a bit betrayed and confused by the one who I love the most...my Heavenly Father.


I am so frustrated, I use my made-up word "FRUSTIPATED!!"---beyond frustration! So frustrated, that I am not able to accomplish anything else until this problem clears itself up. I have so much that needs doing urgently, and can't even find anyone to hire to help. I can't have anyone come live with me when I am in this condition, so I get upset thinking about my husband coming home. I can't bear the thought of making life hard or even miserable for him.


Interesting that the worst of my illness happened the day that I finished all the legal paperwork to go to court to get my husband here, 5 years of work, 1800 pages done in the last 5 days of work.

OH MY STARS!! I just noticed something!! I have had this picture as stationary for years, but the stationary had this as small pictures down the left side of the paper. I thought of putting it here because it reminds me of how I feel, looking out the window, trying to figure out "WHY??" Now I see this picture in a whole new light. I have never seen the wolf outside the window. Did you know "lupus" means WOLF? She is not looking out the window, she is turned away from the wolf, from the lupus. The dove in the corner, the symbol of the Holy Spirit, is watching over the lady! The wolf is standing in water, and that water is flowing into the window, and the woman's feet are in the water, so the effects of the wolf (the lupus) is affecting the woman. The light above the woman's head, I wonder what it's symbolism is. Light...spirit? knowledge? God? Any ideas from you, my friends? What do you think that light could symbolize in the picture and in how it could relate to me and the wolf (lupus) and my sitting by the window thinking? Any other symbols you would comment on? The moon, the fact the lady is wearing all white? The water? Whatever it is in the lower 1/4 left side of the picture? Maybe your insight will give me some insight.


Love you all---u r pieces of my life and heart.

















Oh, I need to add:
This is Remembrance Day here:
The day we remember and honor our veterans
the day WWII ended
11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.
Out of respect for all of our veterans form everywhere:

Support Our Troops

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