LIFE --1 Hour At A Time!

Three days ago I woke up in so much pain I didn't know how I would finish the urgent things that need done. I was considering going to the hospital. I finally got upstairs and Mom was also very sick and needed an ambulance, so I helped her get ready to go in the ambulance and went to be her advocate (if you don't take someone with you to this hospital, they neglect you.) I was glad to do it but wishing I had someone to take me to the E.R.
They sent her home and told her to go back the next day if she still didn't have a BM. Today is one month from the day Dad died, and today I was sick enough for the hospital again, but again Mom needed to go, so I took her, and they admitted her. This time though, I asked at the front desk if there was any way if I could sign myself in, but be seen in my Mom's room, instead of being separated in my own bed for many many hours. Usually they won't let me be with Mom if I ask that, but this time they did, so I got the medical help I needed while taking care of Mom.
She is talking about death a lot, and if the Lord is planning on taking her soon, I really hope He send a few more angels for Doug and I to bear it spiritually, emotionally and physically, financially. We will both be homeless if Mom dies, because disability income is not enough to live on alone.
So we won't be making any Christmas dinner. We will be opening gifts at the hospital and maybe eat lunch in the cafeteria there. They have turkey dinner that day.I hope Mom is here for 1 more Christmas at least.

Drama #2
My husband was near a building that exploded today due to a suicide bomber. God protected him AGAIN! He got a "percussion injury", where the air that is blasted hits you like a rock and makes a huge bruise and makes you fly through the air, and his ears are still ringing so he might have slight hearing damage. I am so sorry he has to live like that. I want him HOME and safe!...but I would not be very helpful to him right now. Maybe he is being delayed because we can't help each other the way we will need help right now. He will have PTSD for sure, the longer he stays, the worse it will be. Today he said he didn't know how he could stand this anymore, but we just do. We just keep waking up the next morning and we keep surviving.
Maybe he is being delayed by God because no man can live in a house with this much drama and crisis all the time. I don't want to ruin his life and make him unhappy by the hard lifestyle of living with a sick wife. He deserves children and I can't give him that. I'm finished with that. So hard to wait for him, and to wonder why the delay in him getting home.
I have an Aunt who barely ever talks to us because we have more dramatic crisises in 1 year than she has ever had in her life and she thinks its not possible or that we are making up all these things. Her crisis is to get a grass stain on her white pants.
I am SO exhausted, in so much pain, no one to help me or even to help Mom so I can rest enough...one of those times that I feel like I could die soon, but I won't. Lupus is a LONG severely painful existence. Lupus gets worse with stress, shutting down more organs. As soon as it hits the heart or liver or kidneys, you are getting close to death. My brother wonders about him dying soon too because all this stress is making his heart do crazy things...so wouldn't that be weird if all 4 of us died within a year or so of each other?
I thought God sent me a husband for strength to go through all these things with, but if I go through all these things alone, it shows I do not need a husband...but I would like the companionship. Maybe God is waiting until both parents have passed away, so I won't be lonely, but then Mom won't have to deal with living with a son-in-law. She really can't live alone anymore so we'd have to live with her to help her. I totally overthink things and constantly think "why". It wears me out. I'm going to go "lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise and fight again."
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE-EVE. LOL
Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 22:58  

Labels: faith, fibromyalgia, hospital, lupus, pain, prayer