As this picture shows...I have been being carried by the Lord through all of the storms this past year or more. Struggling, but it would be so much worse without my faith and His comfort.
I just got a phone call from a really spiritual friend of my mom's. She called accidentally, thinking I had a computer for sale! She left a message on my machine. I am so weepy today that I didn't want to call her back, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that this year I have been taught that there are NO mistakes, NO coincidences, that even the mistakes turn out to have some reason, so her call was for a reason, so I called her back. I told her I didn't have a computer, we figured out the mistake, then started talking about other things.
It's been such a horrible day, everything I tried to do or call or write or work on went wrong, and then my daughter emailed me, telling me to send her gifts and my grandsons gifts to her grandmother's house, because she didn't want me to know where she is living. It made me not want to send the gifts, because she has never once sent me a gift for anything, but I don't want my grandsons to suffer because of her cruelty. I have not done ANYTHING but love and support that girl. That just broke me for today.
The lady that called me meant to come to Dad's funeral but went to the wrong church, so she missed it. I told her how angry I was at myself for having such negative thoughts when I am in severe pain or on days like this when I am grieving and weeping. She said that when I am thinking negative, defeating thoughts (almost always when the pain or the grieving comes), that its because that is when I am weakest, and I need to pray for the Lord to please take those thoughts from me until He decides to make me stronger, because I can't bear them when I am so weak. I'll have to remember that. I'm sure others are as tired of my sadness and fears as I am, but now I know its because they hit me when I am weakest, and I need to pray harder during those times for protection from those ideas.
I have been asking why God gave me the miracle of no pain for a week BEFORE Mom and Dad got sick, instead of when I needed it the most. If there was ever a time when I needed no pain and a positive outlook and strength, it was through their illness and Dad's passing and the funeral. Now I can see that if God had given me that week of no pain while mom and dad were both sick, then I would not have felt the emotional strength of joy and that I can do anything, and how beautiful life and the world are, and all the other wonderful clear thoughts that came to me. If that week of no pain would have come while they were sick, I would have still had the emotional sadness and stress, and would not have known how different life is without severe pain. I love learning new things, even if it takes pain to learn them. I pray this lesson stays with me. I hate that I forget so much of what life has taught me because of fibrofog and painfog, and I ask God to keep reminding me.
Blessings to you all, thanks for your love during this difficult time of grieving and fearing that I will lose my husband and mom and everyone else too. (Just a fear of losing others because I just lost Dad.)