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Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts

Thursday, 10 January 2008

WE GOT ANOTHER MIRACLE!!!

Hello all!
THANKYOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!
~WE GOT ANOTHER MIRACLE!! We went to the hospital and instead of admitting Mom, they sent her to the outpatient clinic first, where they kept us for 7 hours, the nurse acted like she was on drugs, kept carrying messages from Mom back to the Dr. who was doing scopes on people, then we would get his opinion back that way, and she kept messing up the messages, didn't understand anything we said, we repeated things up to 6 times, I finally went unconscious from my blood sugar going too low from lack of food or water and all the stress, so they some glucose to bring me around. (And mom was the one there to be treated. Gosh...what a joke, me trying to care for HER.) She is able to do some shopping and clean house a bit (do a LOT more than me), and she can get medical care anytime so she's less apt to die than me. Anyway we got so tired and in pain and frustrated after 7 hours of this carrying messages back and forth and no Dr. seeing mom, no admitting to hospital like she was told was supposed to happen, no test, nothing...so we walked out.
It was a tough day but WORTH IT cuz mom won't be having surgery soon!
Today we start over again and I take her out of town AGAIN (did this day before yesterday) to the Dr. and hospital there...BUT THIS MEANS THE SURGERY WILL BE DELAYED!!!---Which means she will be alive for a while which means I won't be homeless. They don't do surgery in this little town I take her to see her Dr. at
Now if she can delay this surgery until my husband gets home, he can earn enough that we can continue renting the house we are in now, if anything happens to Mom. Or if the Lord can delay the surgery until other living arrangements are made for me (in case my husband doesn't come back from the war zone), that would be a wonderful gift from the lord too.
Got to drag my painful body to put all mom's luggage in the car again. (Why am I doing this when she can do it and is healthier than me and doesn't use a walker and doesn't have any muscle pain at all?) ---yeah...cuz I'm the obedient daughter that is grateful for all the years she cared for me. My brothers and sister have all told me they are really worried that I will die before Mom, because she has been served and waited on for 30 years, and I have served and waited on my first hubby and now mom until my body is falling apart.
In July when that Dr. told me I would only live for 1 year...on days like yesterday, I sure feel like its true, but I won't believe any human. God decides when I go, not man, and I have things to do yet. I hope to be here for the second coming. lol.
Now I have to start looking into getting help for myself, like some cyber-friends have been urging me to do, (been trhying for 10 years but got to keep trying)...to go to the top if I have to...but have not had enough strength for that either. I can only do a little bit of functioning each day. I wish I could afford to hire a secretary for all my taxes, the legal work to get my hubby home, and now to get help for myself. I have not even had a minute or the strength to get gifts mailed out yet. grrrrrrrr!
Wow, such a faith building experience. Now if I could just keep remembering that he is taking care of us and will even make miracles for us! It is hard for me to believe that everything will be OK, because even though I put everything into God's hands, he HAS let some very awful things happen, because that's what life is all about...so even though in my heart I know God is in control...I am always afraid of how hard the next "test" is going to be and if I am up to the challenge.
See? I told you that whenever myu cyber friends pray for me, I feel it, and THINGS HAPPEN! I know the Lord hears the prayers of this group. I have never found so many sincerely faith filled people in one place. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU for your prayers!
Love you all! Bluebirdy

P.S. Though I cried and prayed half the night from the pain, hurting too much to even get up to get my medicine, hurting too much to get back to the hospital (where they wouldn't do much anyway), TODAY I DON'T HAVE MUCH PAIN! I am ready to help Mom again!!! Usually it takes me a few days to be functional after 2 days of running around like I just had. Yeah I will be hurting when I get back from out of town again, but that's ok if God helps me recover quickly like this time! Oh Lord please help me remember that you love me and are helping me and will continue to help me!

Posted by Bluebirdy at 11:03 1 comments  

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Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Like A Lamb To The Slaughter?

    Oh help. Just weeks after Dad's death, and all I have had time to do is to take mom to the Dr, and E.R. and hospital and stay with her at the hospital, then in between I collapse in pain. I have not even had a chance to get my family's Christmas boxes sent out!
  I took mom out of town to the Dr. today. I still feel so alone in these crisises. I know God is here but I need PHYSICAL help. My brother who lives here has his own physical/mental problems and is not able to help, other brother and sister live hundreds of miles away and that brother works too much to come even to the funerals.
    Mom will be admitted to the hospital in the morning before 9 a.m.  In about 3 days she will have the surgery that the doctors kept warning her she will not live through. I feel like I am carrying my mom into the place of her murder. It feels like she has accepted the surgery as a way to go be with Dad and that way it won't be considered suicide.  If she dies, I will be homeless. I have tried for years to get into cheaper housing that is sponsored by the government.My disability will not cover the price of moving or the price of an apartment. If she lives, I do not have the strength to take care of a surgery patient, or we will both be in the hospital within a day. What a messy crisis.
    I also saw a Dr. today that was on call for my Dr. who is gone for 6 months. No Dr. will take responsibility for me while my Dr. is away, (they say I'm too 'complicated') so mom is getting medical care, but no matter how bad I get physically or emotionally as I try to care for her or if she dies, I don't get any help. Feels like I will die of pain/lupus and other problems before Mom dies, because she CAN get all the medical help she needs. Maybe in July the Dr. that told me I only had a year to live knew something more than I do.
   Thanks for caring, you friends who do care and have been so supportive. Please pray for strength for my brother and I to bear our illnesses, mom's illness and surgery and maybe death, and the period after of taking care of her estate and trying to find a place to live so I won't be homeless.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy
  

Posted by Bluebirdy at 20:14 2 comments  

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Friday, 14 December 2007

The WHY of my Miracle, and I learned something else.







As this picture shows...I have been being carried by the Lord through all of the storms this past year or more. Struggling, but it would be so much worse without my faith and His comfort.

I just got a phone call from a really spiritual friend of my mom's. She called accidentally, thinking I had a computer for sale! She left a message on my machine. I am so weepy today that I didn't want to call her back, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that this year I have been taught that there are NO mistakes, NO coincidences, that even the mistakes turn out to have some reason, so her call was for a reason, so I called her back. I told her I didn't have a computer, we figured out the mistake, then started talking about other things.


It's been such a horrible day, everything I tried to do or call or write or work on went wrong, and then my daughter emailed me, telling me to send her gifts and my grandsons gifts to her grandmother's house, because she didn't want me to know where she is living. It made me not want to send the gifts, because she has never once sent me a gift for anything, but I don't want my grandsons to suffer because of her cruelty. I have not done ANYTHING but love and support that girl. That just broke me for today.


The lady that called me meant to come to Dad's funeral but went to the wrong church, so she missed it. I told her how angry I was at myself for having such negative thoughts when I am in severe pain or on days like this when I am grieving and weeping. She said that when I am thinking negative, defeating thoughts (almost always when the pain or the grieving comes), that its because that is when I am weakest, and I need to pray for the Lord to please take those thoughts from me until He decides to make me stronger, because I can't bear them when I am so weak. I'll have to remember that. I'm sure others are as tired of my sadness and fears as I am, but now I know its because they hit me when I am weakest, and I need to pray harder during those times for protection from those ideas.


I have been asking why God gave me the miracle of no pain for a week BEFORE Mom and Dad got sick, instead of when I needed it the most. If there was ever a time when I needed no pain and a positive outlook and strength, it was through their illness and Dad's passing and the funeral. Now I can see that if God had given me that week of no pain while mom and dad were both sick, then I would not have felt the emotional strength of joy and that I can do anything, and how beautiful life and the world are, and all the other wonderful clear thoughts that came to me. If that week of no pain would have come while they were sick, I would have still had the emotional sadness and stress, and would not have known how different life is without severe pain. I love learning new things, even if it takes pain to learn them. I pray this lesson stays with me. I hate that I forget so much of what life has taught me because of fibrofog and painfog, and I ask God to keep reminding me.


Blessings to you all, thanks for your love during this difficult time of grieving and fearing that I will lose my husband and mom and everyone else too. (Just a fear of losing others because I just lost Dad.)


Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 20:13 0 comments  

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Saturday, 8 December 2007

Interesting Experience since Funeral


        I had a weird experience yesterday. There have only been 3 times that I have cried uncontrollably since Dad died. First was when he died, second was after the funeral, third was last night about 8:00. I couldn't figure out why I was so upset and why I couldn't stop myself from crying, and I cried until about 10:30, then I realized that 7:45 two weeks ago is when Dad died. It seems like my body stored that traumatic hour in my body, and somehow, the alarm in my body went off at the same time he died. Strange.
      I noticed that with my divorce, too. Even after many years when I had forgotten the dates that some events happened, I would get into the most solemn, quiet, sad mood, and not understand why, then later it would come to me that it was that hour, day, month, etc. that he told me he was leaving, or that he did something else traumatic in our relationship.
     Just this month I have read a bit about memories being stored in your DNA, and sometimes are even passed down to the next generation. Maybe this experience has some tie to that theory? I don't know. So many mysteries that I will be so excited to learn after we are resurrected and can learn for eternity.
    I am sleeping about 1 hour every 2 days. Stress makes fibro/lupus worse, fibro/lupus flare makes stress worse, so its a vicious cycle.
    It is wonderful to feel the peace that passes all understanding, and to feel the Lord carrying us, and to have the knowledge that our family will soon be together again, and we know where he is and that he is happy and probably has even gotten to meet the Lord by now. What a comfort faith is.
     Gosh its nasty cold  here too. about -12. Its supposed to be the coldest winter in 15 years, and I believe it from the way its starting out! I'll have to go to Salvation army and get more layers of clothes to put under my coat, and a warm hat and scarf and hopefully some snow boots. I hear the snow boots are about $100 new, because the retail stores know that we have not needed them for so many years, that there are none in the used clothing stores, so if we want some, we have to pay whatever they want to charge us.
     Here is something else interesting. When Dad went into the nursing home 2 years ago, Mom, my brother and I suddenly hated food. It was like a constant nausea or knot in our stomach. We didn't even like the smell or sight of food, so we lived on very little food. This is one of the reasons I gained so much weight. My body thought it was starving, so it would not burn any fat. Now that the knot is out of our stomach, because we know that Dad is not suffering anymore, we are eating more (because there is so much food here left over from the funeral), and I lost 5 pounds in 5 days (2.5 kilos) from eating MORE! Dieting ruins your metabolism. Most large people have dieted themselves all the way to obesity. People are now learning that there are no magic pills or diets or tricks to staying thin. Only eating good food in portions that are not too big, and keep moving around as much as possible. So much has to do with genetics, also.  I AM THANKING GOD for helping me lose even 5 pounds because there is no way I can exercise enough to lose a lot of weight. Too much pain. I have found a few ways to exercise without pain, but do it many times a day, so that it will burn calories.  I hope soon I will be strong enough for my favorite activity, swimming, and to go on long walks so I can be strong enough to travel. I used to get awards in sports at school. Hard to look at my body now and believe that. lol. I just want to get stronger so I can enjoy life and help others more.

Posted by Bluebirdy at 23:36 0 comments  

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Sunday, 2 December 2007

One reason why the Elderly must suffer.

    We are finished with Dad's funeral now, and it has just occurred to me that if I had to let him go if he was healthy, it would have been unbearable; but because he was suffering so badly, we just wanted him to stop suffering, even if it meant we would miss him terribly. We cry because we miss him, but then we start to think of how happy he is and that he is not suffering anymore, and it is worth letting him go. Maybe that's one reason for all the suffering in the nursing homes. Another reason, is that someone is not willing to let them go. Mom and my brother and I all prayed on the same night "If it is your will Father, please let him stop suffering. Its getting worse and the nursing care is so bad now, its almost abusive, and it's hurting us ALL so much that we can't do much to ease his suffering, that we all think we will soon fall apart. He doesn't deserve this, please ease his suffering." It was a couple of days later that we all told each other that on the same night we had said almost exact prayers.
     I know that we had not fully been able to "let him go" before that, even though he was suffering and knew he would die soon, but as soon as we were completely able to release him, he soon went. I have seen this happen a couple of other times too, that the person stayed alive until one specific family member was ready to let him/her go, and when they do, they pass quickly. I love you Dad. You were one of the  most honorable/respectable/loveable men there could be. The church was full of people who loved you and had smiles on their faces with all the joy you brought to them with your sense of humor. I hope I can be more like you. Bye Dad. *sob* save a place for us.
Love, your adoring daughter.

Posted by Bluebirdy at 21:04 0 comments  

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Friday, 30 November 2007

Memorial/Funeral tomorrow

(yes I repeated myself here. Sorry. Brain is mush right now,)
 
   Just this moment finished planning the funeral for the second time. Almost everyone backed out! (They really did have good reasons, though.) II really want Heavenly Father to explain why we are alone even in a crisis like death as well as alone for 10 years. We finally found the Bishop had never come to introduce himself to us, he was very kind, and the church will take care of the food, and we've had visitors and phone calls from people his age from 7 a.m. until 11 at night until we are so tired we take turns to just go into our room and sob and have  a nap and the others take over while we rest for an hour. We are only getting about 2 or 3 hours rest, because we are visiting and taking calls all day, so we have to do all the memorial arrangements at night. I wanted to make a very nice picture board of Dad throughout his life but I didn't have time. Oh well, maybe it will slow down after tomorrow. I've been carrying so much of the load, so I am in horrible pain and my Dr. messed up on my pain meds, so I only got my pain meds today. I had to deal with the grief and all the hard work with horrible pain.  I am concerned about how I will take care of mom when she collapses after the funeral, because I will be collapsing too, perhaps bad enough for the hospital. I'm not thinking negatively, I just know how my body reacts after big and long lasting crisises like this.
    We are all better emotionally, and I have seen Mom's energy and my brother's energy raise significantly because we are not heartbroken thinking about Dad's suffering. We catch ourselves crying for a few minutes many times a day because we miss him, but its a much different type of tears than the tears of knowing he is suffering and that we can't do much to alleviate his suffering. We know how happy he is now, and with the Lord, and with all his family, since he is the youngest, and getting to know his father who died 6 weeks after Dad and his twin were born.
    
    I no longer believe that verse that says God won't give us more than we can bear. Why do people have heart attacks and nervous breakdowns? When I researched the verse, I think it said "you will never be TEMPTED more than you can handle.".
   Almost everyone that I had lined up for the funeral backed out, and so I had to start over, and I am asking Heavenly Father why he wants me to  be alone even when my parents die, as well as alone for 10 years.
   We have had visitors and phone calls every 10 minutes all week, until I was just crying with pain and exhaustion and wanted to put a sign on the door saying "do not disturb until 2:00" and put the answering machine on, but mom was just glorying in all the attention, so I went to my room collapsed in pain and let her do a few hours of hostessing. I heard them ask for me, but they were all people who were Dad's age, who I never knew, so I didn't come up. I don't get it. If these people cared so much about Dad, where have they been for the past 10+ years when we needed a friend or a visitor even on the phone??
     This is NUTS! In my hubby's country, they bury the person the same day, go home, and then neighbors come over and bring food and take care of the family, and crying is allowed, and there is no cost involved. Here, its like planning a wedding, but it has to be done in 3 days while your brain and heart have turned to mush and we have to pay a minimum of $12,000 to entertain the friends and family and neighbors and act brave. We are poor though, so we had to have him cremated, which I am not adjusting to well, but it brought the price down to $4,000. Can't afford to die!
   I am happy to see how many cared for Dad in his lifetime. I'm in so much pain and so exhausted, maybe my next post will be more positive.
Thank you all who are sharing their love with me and praying for me.
Blessings, Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 19:06 0 comments  

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Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Both parents in hospital

The day after my parents 59th anniversary was the Queen of England's 60th anniversary. I thought that was interesting, because my wedding was 1 year and 1 day from Princess Diana's, and my kids birthdays were the same months as the prince's.
   At 3 in the morning, the nursing home called and said Dad will be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I went upstairs to tell Mom and she said "I need one too." So I called another, and we live next door to the nursing home, so one ambulance followed the other, and I was ahead of them both in my car. I called my brother to tell him and he said he had woken up for some unknown reason, he never wakes up at that time! So he came over to the hospital and we spent the day going back and forth helping answer questions and get them settled in and make sure they get immediate treatment.
  So my miracle was timed perfectly so that I could help with this crisis. I walked 4 miles a day the past 2 days. I wear my pedometer to measure....but today, I can't walk and struggling to even roll over. I have tried since Monday to get my Dr. to refill my medicine over the phone, but he insists that I come out there. So I will have to go without my diabetes medicine and muscle relaxant, which is not going to make this any easier.
    I am now in unbearable pain again, massaging legs, crawling to the bathroom, takes 5 minutes to roll over. Unhappy that I have to go back on my morphine but thanking God that there is such a thing, so that when it kicks in, I can go back and care for my parents.
   My dear husband said that the list of things I am going through now (about 12 things I have not told anyone about) is worse than the war he is going through right now. He is so calm and patient and strong and full of faith. I'm so proud of him...my life is almost always 10 crisises at once, so if my life is harder than the war he is going through, do I want to bring him to this stressful life? Oh well, its not really my decision anyway. Its up to God, who will influence the court.
    I thought God gave me a husband so we could love and support each other through these most difficult times. I could sure use a shoulder to lean on after I physically and emotionally take care of mom, dad and my brother...but I just come home and fall apart, and do paperwork until the pain eases up enough to sleep.
     I am still so very grateful for my 1 week miracle and I hope God will give me the words to write an article about it.
Blessings to you all, HAPPY TURKEY DAY TOMORROW TO THE AMERICANS. Remember to give thanks that things are not worse, because they always could be worse.
Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 10:45 0 comments  

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