(yes I repeated myself here. Sorry. Brain is mush right now,)
Just this moment finished planning the funeral for the second time. Almost everyone backed out! (They really did have good reasons, though.) II really want Heavenly Father to explain why we are alone even in a crisis like death as well as alone for 10 years. We finally found the Bishop had never come to introduce himself to us, he was very kind, and the church will take care of the food, and we've had visitors and phone calls from people his age from 7 a.m. until 11 at night until we are so tired we take turns to just go into our room and sob and have a nap and the others take over while we rest for an hour. We are only getting about 2 or 3 hours rest, because we are visiting and taking calls all day, so we have to do all the memorial arrangements at night. I wanted to make a very nice picture board of Dad throughout his life but I didn't have time. Oh well, maybe it will slow down after tomorrow. I've been carrying so much of the load, so I am in horrible pain and my Dr. messed up on my pain meds, so I only got my pain meds today. I had to deal with the grief and all the hard work with horrible pain. I am concerned about how I will take care of mom when she collapses after the funeral, because I will be collapsing too, perhaps bad enough for the hospital. I'm not thinking negatively, I just know how my body reacts after big and long lasting crisises like this.
We are all better emotionally, and I have seen Mom's energy and my brother's energy raise significantly because we are not heartbroken thinking about Dad's suffering. We catch ourselves crying for a few minutes many times a day because we miss him, but its a much different type of tears than the tears of knowing he is suffering and that we can't do much to alleviate his suffering. We know how happy he is now, and with the Lord, and with all his family, since he is the youngest, and getting to know his father who died 6 weeks after Dad and his twin were born.
I no longer believe that verse that says God won't give us more than we can bear. Why do people have heart attacks and nervous breakdowns? When I researched the verse, I think it said "you will never be TEMPTED more than you can handle.".
Almost everyone that I had lined up for the funeral backed out, and so I had to start over, and I am asking Heavenly Father why he wants me to be alone even when my parents die, as well as alone for 10 years.
We have had visitors and phone calls every 10 minutes all week, until I was just crying with pain and exhaustion and wanted to put a sign on the door saying "do not disturb until 2:00" and put the answering machine on, but mom was just glorying in all the attention, so I went to my room collapsed in pain and let her do a few hours of hostessing. I heard them ask for me, but they were all people who were Dad's age, who I never knew, so I didn't come up. I don't get it. If these people cared so much about Dad, where have they been for the past 10+ years when we needed a friend or a visitor even on the phone??
This is NUTS! In my hubby's country, they bury the person the same day, go home, and then neighbors come over and bring food and take care of the family, and crying is allowed, and there is no cost involved. Here, its like planning a wedding, but it has to be done in 3 days while your brain and heart have turned to mush and we have to pay a minimum of $12,000 to entertain the friends and family and neighbors and act brave. We are poor though, so we had to have him cremated, which I am not adjusting to well, but it brought the price down to $4,000. Can't afford to die!
I am happy to see how many cared for Dad in his lifetime. I'm in so much pain and so exhausted, maybe my next post will be more positive.
Thank you all who are sharing their love with me and praying for me.