I Woke up in so much pain, sadness was my first response, but maybe I just overdid yesterday,. I still prayed with thanks for what I had been given, and strength to re-adjust to the old lifestyle. I needed pain medicine. I started mourning that the pain free time was over, but still thanked God for the time He DID give me to understand how others live and think without pain. I wished that I had been given the words to describe it. I hope the words still come. I cried so hard for hours, I grieved the loss of feeling healthy, was prematurely grieving Dad's passing, grieving a friend's passing (also prematurely), grieving the burden my brother is carrying until it is going to push him to the limit, and grieving that I may soon lose my mom after my Dad, and grieving my husband that I may never see, and grieving not seeing my children or grandchildren except once in 10 years, and I will be a grandmother again tomorrow or Tuesday. Just another baby I won't see unless I can get healthy and strong!
mom was semi-conscious and I didn't know what to do to help her, and if something happens to Dad, SHE has all the final arrangements, so I didn't know what I would do if Dad passed away while Mom was in a diabetic stupor. I wanted to be with Dad, but was afraid to leave mom. Finally Mom woke up fine, got her insulin, I asked her quickly where the final arrangements for Dad are, in case he dies when she is unconscious or too sick to do anything. So now I am more confident in case something happens to Dad.
THEN THE DAY CHANGED!!!
Finally the pain medicine started working, so I was able to go sit with Dad, and what a joy! I got to sit with him for 3 hours, the longest I have EVER been able to be out of bed since he went into the nursing home. I was able to do the nurse's treatment on Dad for her, for which she was SO VERY grateful, (since I have my nursing degree), which freed her up for 20 minutes to do other treatments. I was able to get some pain medicine into him early, which he would have suffered if I was not there. Then my brother came in to take over. Dad talked for 2 hours straight and what a precious talk it was.
When I got home, Mom was on the floor doubled up in pain and not able to get her oxygen, so I got her into bed, hooked up the oxygen, gave her the pain injection, put a tablet under her tongue to sink into her blood stream faster, and got her settled down. Oh gosh it felt SOOO good to be of some use to someone! Now I need my own oxygen a bit, so all 3 of us are on oxygen.
Ok, so I am not cured, but MUCH MUCH better, and will continue to get better every day, in every way! Maybe I can write and earn more and travel and make some dreams come true! ....instead of doubled up in pain waiting for life to end...fearing (to the point of anxiety) how I would deal with life if it got any harder and if parents died or we got kicked out of our house or if my husband was able to come and I could not help him.
now I am on my way to comfort my brother, who just walked out of the house sobbing. I'll go to his bachelor apartment, where he has not let us come in 10 years, but he comes here 4 times a day... tough. I'm going to comfort him, and I thank god for the strength to be able to do it.
GOD IS SO GOOD, HIS TIMING IS PERFECT, AND I WILL REMEMBER TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD TIMES I HAD, RATHER THAN MOURNING HOW THINGS ARE, SO IF MY HUSBAND CANNOT COME, I WILL ALSO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFT OF HAVING HIM FOR AS LONG AS I DID, ALONG WITH THE SADNESS OF BEING ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.