Friday, 24 October 2008

Wow, am I beaten down!

Hello all;

They say the higher the climb, the harder the fall...so after my weeks and weeks of feeling like I had a new life given to me due to D-ribose controlling my fibromyalgia, then getting a severe lupus flare-up, I am pretty low.
I've spent a week trying to decide whether to even ask your opinions or not... I'm kind of ashamed for needing someone to help me think things out, but we all need a "sounding board" sometimes I guess.

For those who don't know me, 1.5 years ago I was given 1 year to live due to end stage lupus, and I have almost a dozen other serious conditions caused by lupus destroying various organs in my body; and lately found a supplement that changed my life and made me feel alive again by controlling my fibromyalgia and healing many things in my body. It also changed my daughter's life, and now my Mom and even her Dr. are trying it. It's called D-ribose and it is responsible for literally thousands of functions in the body, and I am sure God led me to find it, because I actually bought it by accident instead of something else. There are other posts about D-ribose below in my blog.

If I was superstitious, (I'm not)...I would think that when I started proclaiming my miracle of such a turnaround in my health and life, I might have jinxed myself. Although I am still fibromyalgia free when I take the D-ribose, I got smacked off my feet with one of the worst lupus flares I have had in years. Yes its my own fault because I thought I felt so good that for the first time ever, I did too much, and so now I'm paying for it. I did all the Canadian Thanksgiving shopping and cooking myself. In my first marriage I had my mother-in-law's help because we entertained up to 30 people at a time. This time it took me 3 days of cooking/resting until I got it done, then I was too sick to eat it, but I made my brother so proud he cried. lol. He's been the cook and chef for Mom, Dad and I since I moved back home with them, but he quit cooking for us when Dad died 10 months ago.

Also I have been overwhelmed with legal work to try to get my husband home ASAP for compassionate reasons. I have been doing the work my lawyer should be doing for me, and I have done 1200 pages of documents this week.

I was so busy working or collapsing that I didn't have time to write to anyone. I can't keep up with my email anymore which takes 8-12 hours a day. I don't have a secretary and staff like my lawyer does does, and most of what she wants me to send IMMEDIATELY are things I sent her up to 4 times before. Some of the papers are almost impossible to get new originals of, like papers that were notarized in the court over in the area that my husband is living. She just keeps claiming she didn't get them, but for many I have a photocopy, which means I sent her the original. I just broke down and cried yesterday to my hubby. I was so tired and overwhelmed and getting cold feet wondering if I could even be a wife if I am this sick every day.

I am still grateful for finding the control for the fibro, because if I had to fight fibro along with this, I would not be able to even move.

I think that because I am so tired (slept 1 hour in 72) and in pain that I am not able to think things through clearly, so I need some feedback. I realize not everyone here has the same beliefs as me, but I feel very close to my Lord personally, so I feel a bit hurt/confused, even betrayed, or cheated, like I had been given a precious new life and then had it taken away again, and as if He WANTS me to suffer and not be able to feel human or alive or able to care for myself. That hurts my feelings so much, because I try so hard to be thankful to Him for everything, and was so grateful to start to feel what normal people feel like and think like without constant pain and exhaustion. I had gotten hope again that I could be a good wife to my husband when he comes home from the war zone; now I have doubts again now that I am so sick, but I still have faith that God will supply my strength for each day. We'll get through somehow, one day/one hour at a time. I just wanted life with my husband to be so much better than it can be at this level of suffering. Do you think God wants me to suffer? That he would take away what I thought was the first steps to a new life? I just don't know how to interpret this spiritually. Yes I believe there's a reason for everything, but I just feel like a child whose parent took away something like leg braces or eyeglasses that I would need to function in life. (I can just hear a few of my male friends now saying 'Wow, women just over-think everything!') lol.

I even feel guilty about not being able to understand this right now or wondering what God is doing...but it's a normal human reaction I think, especially when I am too sick to sort things out for myself.

Any thoughts?
Bless you all--



Hi Sheila!
I'm reading your post now,
and I'm so sorry that I can't help you. Really, I don't know what to say.
Maybe that that you are my Hero.
I always admire you, your deep faith and your persistence.
Keep your faith, keep your passion for life.

Your life,
You as Who You Are
your messages
has touched many hearts.

If some thoughts will come to me I'll share with you.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
God bless you!

Can I dedicate for you this English song? I put this song on my last post.

Come, ye thankful people, come,
Raise the song of harvesthome;
All is safely gathered in,
Ere the winter storms begin:

God, our Maker, doth provide
For our wants to be supplied;
Come to God's own temple, came,
Raise the song of harvesthome.

All the world is God's own field,
Fruit unto His praise to yield;
Wheat and tares together sown
Unto joy or sorrows grown:

First the blade, and than the ear,
Than the full corn shall appear;
Lord of harvest, grant that we
Wholesome grain and pure may be.

Take care, dear Sheila!
God bless you and your family!

So nice to meet you. I lived in Oakville Ontario for four years and one year in North York in Toronto. My maiden name is Harvey, and my husband's family is from Massachusetts.

I love Canada. I am sorry to hear that you have had a setback. You know it has been my experience that when you are thrilled about anything in life, the enemy smacks us down. As you pray, ask the Lord to turn what was meant to harm you into a blessing. I have felt the way you feel about being confused and that God had let me down. I have a devotional where I have written a few things. You might enjoy them, we share similar beliefs.


Also, God wants us to prosper, He is not the author of your setback. God does not want you to suffer, that is the enemy trying to discourage you. Don't feel guilty about questioning. You just tell that enemy to get behind you, and quote scripture, like "Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in the world" and pray for the Lord to renew your strength.

I have been discouraged so many times in my walk with the Lord, and then I remember that the devil even tried to discourage Jesus. He told him to get behind him, and Jesus believed that God was in charge.

I will say a prayer for you, I know the feelings of discouragement and wondering if God had forsaken me. He is faithful. There is no coincidence that you found my blog through Maria from Poland.

It's okay to ask God, it is written to ask. I will say a prayer that tonight in your dreams that you will receive an answer from Him, and that you will awaken with new strength.

Blessings, Karen

I will pray that you receive a

HI Sheila!! It's so nice to meet you!! I'm so glad you came to see me. I've been to Canada a few times! A beautiful place for sure! Oh, you asked about the blogs I follow, no these are not family, just blogs I love to go to. Cindy at My Romantic Home is one of my favorites and she has wonderful taste in her home as well as many others.
Thanks so much for visiting me!
Be a sweetie,
Shelia :)

Hi you stopped buy and wanted to know what was on top of the diaper cake. It is the start of a baby hat that I crochet. You can buy a completed hat and cover it with crepe paper or ribbon. I have only read the top story of your. I have been through allot of pain my self. This year is my first year a feeling better too. It is not god who lets us suffer. It is the depression we fell the put us back into suffering. We try to do more than our body it capable of doing and it is our body saying stop. I can not do any where hear what I did in the past. And any good day is followed up by a day of not being able to do any thing. As my body is not strong enough to do allot any more. It is through positive thinking I can do any thing. I have to tell my self I can I will. Or I may not be able to do it today but I have hope I can do it again. If you say I can't. You program your brain to believe you can never do it again. So think positive. It's like the old saying { God helps those who help them self's .
Grammy. I will have to learn more about D-ribose. is it over counter or prescription?
Be blessed my friend

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

I read your post and I want to encourage you that I don't believe either that God wants for you to suffer. Suffering is a part of this life for all of us though one way or another.

I can only imagine that you are dealing with a lot physically, having lupus and fibromyalgia. I do understand having multiple health issues.

You mentioned several times that you don't think you are a good wife. Don't ever think that because you sincerely cannot help what you have. I hope your dh is understanding. I know it is not easy to find those who can be understanding about chronic health issues. When people are healthy, they really have no clue.

If I could suggest too I'd like to say that stress does affect these illnesses very much. Try to reduce the stress you have in your life and pare down your life to only what is necessary. It can really make a difference. You do not have to do everything.

God bless!

Hi Shiela,
I think all of us who are children of God (John 1:12) are all struggling with all sorts of problems and trials that leave us amazed and bewildered. I think the enemy is working overtime to waylay us at the very last moment of this age. You are not alone sister. We are all struggling. We just have to trust in the unfailing love and mercy of God that He will pull us through from all our pains and sufferings. We just have to hold on to His divine promises which are our most potent weapons against our adversary. "Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit, says the Lord Almighty" (Zechariah 4:6b). I am always praying for you, for sis Emmyrose, Pia, Shielalu and Chronic Chick that the Lord will bless you all with complete healing and deliverance. Our only consolation is that we will enjoy eternal life with the Lord which the enemy will never ever enjoy. I pray that God will grant all your fervent prayers and that you will be reunited soon with your husband. God bless you always my dear friend and guardian angel.

I found you at someone else's blog... don't even remember now... all I can say is ...just trust God in all things. They are for our good even though we cannot see it. I've been through some tough stuff myself, and its after you get through the "storms of life" that you can see all the people that God put right in the right place when you needed them...how the lessons we learn during our time of suffering helps others later when they are being tested... just rest on the hard days and trust God ... he's right there with you going through it ... and he will deliver you. Enjoy the good days and praise the Lord for them...

I hope that your efforts to get your husband home will happen soon. I also pray for the others in your home who needs God's blessing and a special touch in their lives...

Keep on trusting God even when you don't understand what's happening... he will never, ever, let you down.

Fatigue is the most frightening of all enemies, to me...
but soon you will get some rest, and recharge. Don't feel guilty about what you are not able to do.
We are always adapting, every minute, to changes in our situation--sometimes too late for things to work out the way we want, but I know you do the very best you can. You know that too.
Be good to yourself--you deserve it!

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