Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Frustrated and Speechless-(sort of)

It's hard to think of myself as being rendered speechless, but I was. I had something I wanted to share, but after such wonderful things were said about me in that review and in the many comments after the review, I wondered if I dared post what was happening now, in case it might change everyone's view of me...but I started this blog planning to show the good and the bad in my life, so that when I am healed, people will know it was real, so I guess I'd better open up and be honest.

Mel very generously overestimated me. I am not the wise (spiritually) person that I think he sees me as. I get lost and frustrated and confused just like everyone else. Now is one of these times.

When I felt so changed with that nutritional supplement, (d-ribose), I thought God had given me a miracle, a healing. I accepted completely that I was healed, and I had gotten a miracle. I thanked Him so many times a day, and after a cautious waiting period to make sure it was not temporary, I got the courage to share my miracle with others, and they also praised God for it, for my healing and for the hope that they might get a miracle too. I hope they do, but people with lupus or other severe auto-immune disease might have a bad reaction. I say might, because maybe mine is an isolated case. I don't know.
I thought my loving Heavenly Father had finally rewarded me, like He rewarded Job after Job losing everything and suffering so much. I thought I was going to get the chance to be functional again, and feel alive and experience joy again, but it didn't last long. I am thankful for the memory of how life felt during that time, though.

I had to stop taking the D-ribose. It appears that it is so good for you, that it even strengthens your immune system. Well for a person with lupus, that can be fatal, because already our immune system is too strong, and the fighter cells attack our bodies and organs as if they are germs or foreign objects in our body. We can't even spend time in the sun, because the sun also strengthens your immune system, making lupus worse. I got so sick that for a few days I wasn't able to roll over in bed to reply to my emails, but I could read them, and was too weak to talk, or to hold up a book to read. I had a seizure, and another time, I think I got very close to death again, because I saw some of the things that I have seen during other near death experiences. I saw some wonderful things, but things that I have no words for, so I don't know how to explain it to people. I am still spending a lot of time thinking about those images and
trying to think of how to describe them.

There is a medicine used for lupus, (cortisone) and it's very strong and has such terrible side affects that I always said I would rather die of lupus than die of the side affects of that medicine. I have only been desperate enough to try it about 3 times in my life. I prayed for guidance about how to get feeling better. Obviously it's not my time to die, and I could not just lay there helpless forever. The impression I got was to take that medicine. I didn't want to do it. I called Mom upstairs and asked her advice. She has that medicine because she also has lupus. It suppresses the immune system so the fighter cells in your blood stop attacking you, and helps with any swelling or inflammation in the body. I spent days passing out and trying to do this US gov't proofreading project during the moments I was awake. I had pancreatitis, inflammation of the pancreas, and it has many nasty symptoms. The worst was that I kept passing out from my blood sugar going too high or too low because my pancreas was out of control. Mom said that the side affects of that medicine only come with large doses and long term use, but when I talked to my Dr. , she talked about large doses like 10 pills a day, or even put me in the hospital with cortisone IV, but said she didn't trust this hospital much, we are not even checked on often enough during the day while in this hospital. I didn't want the side affects from doing that, so I took a few pills and cut them into 4, and during the day would take one tiny piece of the pill, with a bite of food so I wouldn't get sicker. This is the third day of doing that, and finally many symptoms have lessened, I feel strong enough to type again, but not strong enough to get in the shower yet. So I am thankful now for this strong medicine with horrible side affects, in small doses, BUT...

I am wondering
I accepted that healing! I thanked the Lord SO many times a day for it. I told others about my healing and my miracle and they also praised the Lord about it! I was convinced I had been given another chance at life, to have enough strength to enjoy life or to function a bit more than I do.

I know I will learn in time the reason why God took my healing away....but until I learn that, my feelings are hurt like a child whose parents did something that hurt the child, but was for the child's own good. I feel a bit betrayed and confused by the one who I love the most...my Heavenly Father.

I am so frustrated, I use my made-up word "FRUSTIPATED!!"---beyond frustration! So frustrated, that I am not able to accomplish anything else until this problem clears itself up. I have so much that needs doing urgently, and can't even find anyone to hire to help. I can't have anyone come live with me when I am in this condition, so I get upset thinking about my husband coming home. I can't bear the thought of making life hard or even miserable for him.

Interesting that the worst of my illness happened the day that I finished all the legal paperwork to go to court to get my husband here, 5 years of work, 1800 pages done in the last 5 days of work.

OH MY STARS!! I just noticed something!! I have had this picture as stationary for years, but the stationary had this as small pictures down the left side of the paper. I thought of putting it here because it reminds me of how I feel, looking out the window, trying to figure out "WHY??" Now I see this picture in a whole new light. I have never seen the wolf outside the window. Did you know "lupus" means WOLF? She is not looking out the window, she is turned away from the wolf, from the lupus. The dove in the corner, the symbol of the Holy Spirit, is watching over the lady! The wolf is standing in water, and that water is flowing into the window, and the woman's feet are in the water, so the effects of the wolf (the lupus) is affecting the woman. The light above the woman's head, I wonder what it's symbolism is. Light...spirit? knowledge? God? Any ideas from you, my friends? What do you think that light could symbolize in the picture and in how it could relate to me and the wolf (lupus) and my sitting by the window thinking? Any other symbols you would comment on? The moon, the fact the lady is wearing all white? The water? Whatever it is in the lower 1/4 left side of the picture? Maybe your insight will give me some insight.

Love you all---u r pieces of my life and heart.

Oh, I need to add:
This is Remembrance Day here:
The day we remember and honor our veterans
the day WWII ended
11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.
Out of respect for all of our veterans form everywhere:

Support Our Troops


You are so strong, Sheila--it shines through your words even when you are faced with disappointment and anger.
I see in your story that you are atill guided by God's hand through all your troubles and burdens.

The picture is about spirit--
the woman is dressed in Native American clothing, and the wolf in that culture is a spirit guide.
The wolf is companion to the moon, and they both are behind the glass window. The woman is separated from them, and facing away in sadness, but the water is pouring down as a link from the world of spirit, but also a stair which she could climb if she wants.
Eventually she will notice the force of the water, and will turn towards it. It is her destiny.
The dove is the guardian or loving spirit of God, who is there always to dry your tears.
Know that you are guided and protected even in these trials, for you will not face anything you cannot bear.
And miracles, however temporary, still come without warning.

wow great points here i love it
sometimes we can make use of our frustrations to move forward on something
by the way i love your background song as well its so relaxing here
i saw your blog as it was featured by mr Mel Avila in "HOWS YOUR BLOG"
you are such an interesting person
its nice to be here at your blog

THANKS SIS!! That's really beautiful, and is food for thought. You always have been so wise and supportive and caring. hugs

Hi Shiela,
No I did not overestimate your spiritual strength. I wrote just as I see it. Your strength is in your physical weakness. Remember what Paul said, "when I'm weak then I am strong." Because when we are so weak and vulnerable, God takes over our lives and He uses His own strength to scuttle all the evil works of the enemy represented by lupus. The Lord said, "not by might nor by power but by My Spirit." The Light (Jesus Christ) is in you and you are overshadowed by the Holy Spirit (the dove) but your feet are touched by water coming from the wolf, that's where his power over you comes from. The Bible said, "the thief comes but to steal, kill and destroy, but I (Jesus)came to give you life, life in its abundance." There's something in your mind that is hindering the works of the Lord in your body. It seems that the enemy has got a hold on you and your loved ones. It is not the Lord but the enemy that is causing your sufferings and the Lord can't help but consent since you yourself are approving it. Try to cast out and rebuke all these evil spirits causing your sufferings. I am praying for you my dear sister and together, our prayers can defeat the works of the enemy. I have seen the power of your intercession when you prayed for me. The result was instantaneous. But alas, you prayers for yourself seem to fall on deaf ears. Try to meditate what's happening in your life. The Holy Spirit will guide you on how to free yourself from the chains the evil one has cast on you. Thanks again my dear sister. I am praying for you and the whole heavenly host are praying for you. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." God bless you always.

The light above the lady's head seems to tell me that God is in control. He knows what's happening. Do not despair, BlueBirdy. In God's time, everything will be clear to you. And you ARE an inspiration.
God Bless You always, Sheila.

Hi Mel for the many things you mentioned to look at. I have had many sessions of myself and different church leaders and spiritual people casting out any curses or spirits or any evil in my life. It is quite common to blame a sick person for being evil in some way and that's why he is sick. They did it to Job. There is a story in the bible about a man who was blind or crippled and another man asked "Which of his parents sinned, that this man should suffer?" Jesus said "This suffering is not caused by sin, but that God's power can be made manifest in his life." This is the 12th generation in my family that has this illness (lupus). (maybe more but we don't have records before that.) I just can't believe that every single one of us has something evil in us that has kept this disease from being healed. There is a purpose for this, and either in this world or the next, we will learn what that purpose is. You are right, and I love you reminding me that when I am strong, then God can work through me and that makes me stronger than I would be alone.

Misti...great insight and thanks so much. That felt like a hug to my spirit. HUGGGGGG

I love this amazing picture.
Your writing about this pic is very logical. Beautiful.
I love all your visitors comments, specially Firebird.
I learned many from you and from your blogger friends today.

God bless you and ALL!

I think that there are many questions without answers. And it is normal.
I agree with what you said "there is a purpose for this, and either in this world or the next, we will learn what that purpose is". So true words.

I'd like to share my little thoughts.
Generally speaking... (sorry I'm not a good speaker, specially in English)
I noticed that about "evil" it is defficult to interpret any situations. We are all have to be very careful and watchful. I think that people which go through the hard experiences are rather God's Favorites/as Job/. Evil is not interested about people if they follow him. Evil is very interested about God's people, because he wants to takes them out from God's hands.
So I tell that we have to be watchful. We all, specially if we fallow God's way.

"Which of his parents sinned, that this man should suffer?"
Jesus said "This suffering is not caused by sin, but that God's power can be made manifest in his life."

Thank you Sheila for sharing!

Take care and remember God loves you!

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