Monday, 27 August 2007

To Be or Not To Be?

I wrote this today in response to a post I saw about a young mother who just wanted to die, even though she seemed to have everything and no health problems.

I wonder what percentage of people feel like they just want to die, but hide it. I know its got to be at least double of what it was 25 years ago. Ok here's a switch on the track of thought for you. I have thought this same way as you for about 15 years. I am in disabling pain, weakness. I have lost my husband, children, country, home, jobs, ability to work, friends, and ended up in a bedroom in my parents home. I have other overwhelming stress that I mention further on in this post. I wanted to go home to heaven! Then 3 weeks ago I got told that I probably have less than a year to live. I should be happy I am out of this pain wracked, useless, alone body! (Lupus). I should be happy I finished my journey and get to go home early. (mid 40s). After all, that's all I wanted. My heart stopped many times, I had NDEs, got revived, and questioned God for not letting me stay on the other side. I should be happy I will no longer be a burden on my terminally ill mother, father and brother. Daily we all wonder who will die first.) I keep wondering how I will do all I need to do before the end, since I have NO help. People who die with cancer are pampered with help, agencies, hospices, medicines, home care, books, supportive friends and neighbors, but dying with any other disease, you are on your own. I am so much on my own that I don't even have anyone who would come to my funeral...I have been told a dozen times before that I can only live about 2 years in my condition, and I always thought "So what? My heart will stop again, I will have another NDE , I will be sent back to earth again, then they will tell me "2 years" again." I want to add here one thing I learned in those NDEs. WE expect a lot more of ourselves than God expects of us. He expects us to learn to love Him, find a relationship with Him though we can't see Him, and expects us to be good to our fellow man, but not to overdo our limits. He knows we have limitations because He created us the way we are. "Don't expect so much from yourself", is what I was told. But this time of being told I may not live...it feels different. I actually believe the Dr. this time, because I know that I am struggling to even breathe and think and move. Maybe its my rebellion, but I suddenly WANT to get well, to ENJOY some of life, to learn as much as possible before going on to the next stage of our existence, maybe even stick around to see the Lord's second coming! It seems so ironic that when I wanted to die, even when my heart stopped, I was not allowed to die, and now I have a new husband (waiting for his immigration to come through, and now may never be with him, may never experience all my plans and dreams of a new life with him). This time I am on oxygen and have strength to be up less than 5 minutes. I am thankful for even 5 minutes because last week before I got the oxygen, my limit was 10 seconds. Lupus attacks different organs of the body as if they are foreign particles, thinking they are germs or viruses etc. I have had kidney failure, pancreas failure (diabetes), stomach failure (gastroparesis) well just damage to every organ, then it moves on to another organ to cause pain, fatigue, fever, inflammation, weakness. I have had 18 surgeries, many to remove lupus destroyed tissue. I've had just about everything expendable removed, and parts of some organs I really need. Ok so what if hubby can't immigrate? What if I don't feel better after the treatment they offer me? Then I will want to die again, but will I have missed my opportunity to "go home"? Depression is genetic in my family and I have spent my life fighting it with prescriptions, natural meds, alternative medicine, changing the way I am thinking, energy healing, chakra healing, A VERY STRONG FAITH AND COMFORT from my Lord (yes, people with faith get depressed too, there are suicidal people in the Bible) positive thinking, on and on...and you DO get to the point that you think that NOTHING is going to work. One thing I have learned is that I am still here for a reason and I am not going to get out of here until I learn more or finish what I was sent to earth to do.(We ALL have a purpose here , whether we learn what it is or not.) Maybe learning to love life was my major test, and as soon as I learned to appreciate it, then I "graduated" and got told I get to go home from this school called "earth". Is this feeling of wanting to live just a joke that will help me live through the current crisis, and then I will still be sick and alone and useless and in unbearable pain and still want to die? At least if this was cancer, I could KNOW it would end one way or another. Either you are cured or you die. With most chronic illnesses, you don't get that assurance, the pain is WORSE than cancer, and you don't get the medicines or the understanding or the support of any agency or family or friends or work or church. They don't understand an illness that goes on for 20+ years. They stop bringing "get well" cards and visits after 2 weeks! We are the "Pariah" house, no one dares come to see us because thinking of 4 people who are dying makes them too sad. It's as if we have leprosy. My husband loves me so much he wanted to come help me take care of myself and my family, but there have been so many ridiculous delays that are too much to be coincidence, that I think it's too selfish of me to want him with me, if it means I might pass away and he would be left a widower in a new country. It would also be horrible to live with a terminally ill wife and be in a country that he didn't know the culture yet and I can't even give him 3 meals a day. We have fantasized about going to some cruise or resort that supplies all the meals, entertainment, housekeeping, and just love each other until the "end"...but we are not rich...so I want to ask God why he wanted me to be SOOOO alone at the end and why no agency will help anyone in this house and I've even had ads in the papers to hire someone but there is a labor shortage in Canada so there is not enough people willing to work for private people. So do we really want to throw out the baby with the bath water? Do we really want to stop the joy we feel when we see, taste or smell something great, or learn something new, or hear children laugh, or accomplish something new, or overcome a trial, or millions of other things that make up the small joys of life? Or do we just want the pain (mental or physical) to stop? We are only sent to earth once, and if we don't learn from our trials, or do what we came here to do, we will spend eternity in worse depression and torment than we feel temporarily now...so since we are going to stay on this earth until we are finished, and even if we try suicide, or our heart stops, we will still live, unless its God's will that we have finished and can go home...we might as well make each day as enjoyable and bearable as possible. We should seek books or people or websites that can teach us how to enjoy life. The small joys are the only joys we have, but they do add up to lessons and memories and wisdom that we can share with others to help them get through their lives. Since we MUST be here, lets make it as wonderful as possible.Lets go home with lessons learned, knowing we tried our best, even when things were too much to carry, and that we asked the Lord to help us carry our loads, so that we can hear Him say "Well done thou good and faithful servant, enter therein."


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