Ohhh gosh how I wish doctors still made house calls. I need a Dr. tonight but can't bear to go out in sub zero weather to get it. Thanks all who mentioned they are praying for me. I'm sure I would be worse without them.
I am quite disgusted with myself right now. I was determined to stay strong spiritually, emotionally, which would make me strong physically, but it's pretty hard when you are in a semi-dark room for weeks, so dizzy that the room is spinning for weeks, so you are not able to eat or walk farther than the bathroom, or even read or watch TV. The dizziness causes horrid nausea, too. I was able to get medicine for it, but its an injection that burns like pure acid and hurts so much when it is injected that it makes me think I'll black out.
Our furnace is in the room right next to mine, and for a few weeks has been SCRREEECHHING, and that noise hits the damaged nerve in my face, causing pain so bad it makes my chest hurt. Being in bed too long makes your muscles deteriorate, so I am so weak that it just frustrates me. I have light weights and a resistance band and pilates exercises that I do from bed to stay strong, but have not even been able to do that.
Maybe if my husband was here, he could distract me enough to help me not get discouraged, and could offer me some positive thoughts when I am too weak to think of them myself. Then again, it just might drive me crazy to know that he needs me to help him, and not be able to do it.
There was a TV show on today about a woman with cancer, who had unbearable pain, nausea, dizziness, same as me, but she had family with her, and hospice workers, and supportive medical people, and only had to bear it for a few weeks during her chemotherapy. I was thinking "Lord, can you explain to me the purpose of going through as much suffering as cancer patients do at their worst time, but stretching the weeks into about 20 years, and making me do it alone and without medical support?"
I know there is a reason for everything. I have to believe that or I'll go mad for the suffering in vain.
In the rare hours that the injections work for the dizziness, I have found my sense of humor coming back, and I welcome it thankfully! Hopefully I can regain it enough to carry me through these times when I can't even lift my head.
I'm living on crackers and Ensure, the nutrition drink. I sure hope this passes soon. Lupus likes to attack a specific part of the body for a few months, then move on to another part.
I have SO much to get done! I have to do taxes and grocery shopping and earn money for my honeymoon this spring (no we never had ours yet), and do tons of paperwork for a court case I'm involved in. I'M SO FRUSTIPATED! (new word for the day.) Ok, That's enough of my temper tantrum. Just needed to get it out. Even in this condition, I counseled people on the phone and online today, and loaned a friend who is ready for the E.R. my blood pressure machine. Now she has called back to report other symptoms, so I am playing nurse even when I can barely sit up.
Well you know, I am very happy that I can still be useful even in my worst times. I would really think I had no reason to stay on earth if I could no longer help someone, and I have had those times too.
I have wished that every post in this blog was happy and positive and inspiring, but with the depression I fight with because of physical problems, that's just not realistic unless I straight out lie...and what good would lying do? It would just make others who are going through suffering feel inferior because they would wonder why they could not be upbeat and strong and cheerful all the time too. It's not natural to be happy and strong every moment, even in crisis mode.
Oh! I do count my blessings every day. I am glad to even have a furnace, despite the noise, and I am so happy that my husband was not injured during these 3 days of bombings from the voting in Pakistan. 4 bombs went off yesterday near his home. The day before that, the police station was bombed.
Mom is still trying to convince the gov't that SHE is NOT dead, it's my Dad that passed away, so my brother was good enough to drive her to the bank twice today to fill out yet more endless paperwork.
I'm sure she is scared that we might be homeless, but I know that if things get that bad, social services or the church or relatives would help. God has always helped us in the past, He will not fail us now.
Yuck, feeling awful, gotta go. Anyone want to crawl through the monitor to take me to the E.R.? Or just to give me a much needed hug?
It is not the bad times on which we should dwell, it is only poison to the mind and soul. We shall rise up after we fall, and continue to go on -- dwelling on the good, high-spirited times of our lives.
~~ Austin Holmes