Please read the post below this one as well as this one. I have been praying. I am comforted, strengthened, but still not looking forward to the point that I often get to with Trigeminal Neuralgia (the suicide disease) see
It gets to a point where my only possible thought is a screaming prayer inside my head, and it is so all-encompassing that I am not able to even make my brain force my body to function enough to get myself off the bed, onto the stretcher to take the ambulance to the hospital, so I often tell Mom not to call them, I will just stay home and suffer because I am in no shape to explain my problem or defend myself at that point.
What a PRECIOUS, GLORIOUS gift that we can pray, and our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus, and the comforter, the Holy Ghost...will wrap their arms around us, will calm our mind and heart, and will strengthen us!
I do not see the purpose of the suffering I am facing in the next while until I can find a Dr. to treat me, or until my regular Dr. returns to the country...but I know there is a purpose, and I will learn it someday. It doesn't lessen the pain to know that, though. I have been told by a dozen nurses that most people with cancer will never feel the amount of pain that I do, and they are given as much pain killer as they want, but people like me who have to try to keep running a household and a life and have to keep living and functioning, are treated very badly, like criminals for needing pain relief.
I've had enough of unbearable pain, and if it does get bad enough that my heart stops again, it will just mean that I will have another Near Death Experience, and will see the spirit world again, and then be told that "my work on earth is not yet done", and will be sent back to my body again. When my spirit goes back into my body after an NDE, my arms and legs feel as heavy as cement to lift, compared to the effortless, painless experience just a few minutes earlier, only in my spirit body. My body feels like a prison compared to the freedom my spirit had. Every sound, color, thought is duller, not as clear and bright...so it feels as if this is the dream, and that life in the spirit world is the REAL life.
Maybe I am at a stage of my life right now where I need more instruction from the other side, and maybe that is why I will have to go through what comes next, no matter how painful or dangerous.
I'm just so frustrated and ready to move to another country, but too weak to do that. A country where I could pay for medical care, rather than being told that I am ever allowed to get medical care again, no matter how bad off I get.
I think God has over-estimated my strength. I am wearing out quickly, and have become physically useless, and can't get physical help. Can't even have my husband, which He gave to me! SO FRUSTIPATING! (That's just another of my own words, like absotively and posolutely and diriculous instead of ridiculous.) My family and close friends have learned my language. lol.
I want to be with my husband, and live near my children and grand-children, but since I would be physically unable to do much with them or for them, maybe this is the reason God is not letting me be with them. Ok, enough thinking out loud. Going to try to relax so the pain won't get so bad.
P.S. A note to the Christian group who is telling me that medicine will not heal me so I should not be taking medicine. Medicine will not heal me either, it helps me function. With diabetes and other body parts that stop working, we often need help. ALL the medicine that I take is Natural except for 2. One is for pain, one is for diabetes. People with lupus have a lot of bad reactions to prescriptions. Actually, even strong painkillers are natural, but they are very controlled by the medical system. So I guess ALL my meds except 1 are all natural!
I don't agree in the belief that people should go off their insulin or heart medicine and expect healing, and that's my right to free thought and free expression, just as your suggestions to me are your right.