I was amazed at all the things happening to mom every minute all day long. It took a staff of 4 nurses to keep changing tubes, changing IV sites, taking her to various tests, etc. constantly for 8+hours. I was exhausted just sitting and worrying and waiting and feeling her pain and exhaustion. She looks really bad. She has lost so much weight in just these 10 days, she lost most of her hair years ago from the lupus. Her color is not quite human. She has 3 Intra-venous's to push fluids and nutrients and pain meds in, and one to take blood out of, a tube in her nose to her stomach, one out of her bladder, a bag on her side which has a hole to push out body waste, oxygen canulas in her nose. The only thing she does not have is the breathing tube in her mouth to her lungs. SHE IS THE BRAVEST WOMEN I EVER KNEW! She has gone through sever constant pain for so many years, and has been so isolated because no one can believe someone can still be alive with so many problems, and just live on mostly liquids for so many years, that they just avoid her and talk behind her back. People fear and mock what they don't understand.
I am thankful that she is still alert and thinking clearly and talking, so we did lots of talking about all the various possible outcomes that could happen. I didn't know that many tubes could be used in a person, even if they were on life support (which mom isn't, yet.) I am ashamed of being selfish. I'm not ready to lose her. I want to share her vast intelligence of the world, and her humor with my husband if/when he gets here. I hope she can live to meet him. I don't want to have to sell everything she and I ever owned just a month before my husband might come, and move twice in that time. Once to a boarding house and then once to an apartment when my husband's income and mine can be combined. Then I will want back all those things I had to sell. Oh...I guess I could rent a storage unit and put some things in there until I know for sure what the judge says about my husband. I guess writing these things down IS good therapy and can help you think of solutions to the problems.
I am praying the Lord will soften the judge's heart and that the Lord will also put the right words into the lawyer's mind and mouth. I just keep thinking that the judge will say that "3 years ago when we made this application for him to come to us for family hardship, there were 3 terminally ill people in the house, but now there will be only 1 (me), so maybe that's not considered a family hardship anymore." (Just that I will be homeless if I can't have his help and combined income.)
It frustrates me that if my husband was allowed to come 3 years ago, my Dad might still be alive and my Mom may not be dying now. Another case of government delays killing people. ( Just that I will be homeless without his help and his added income.) I am praying the Lord will also soften my landlord's heart to let me stay here until I know what's happening to my life.
Yes, I am imperfect, I have fear, but probably not as much fear as those who do not have a relationship with the Savior, and probably not as much fear as I would have had if this happened even 6 months ago. I have more trust. Maybe the Lord was waiting for that growth before He would make me go through this. I think that often He does give us lessons to prepare us for the next stage of our life.
So much is going on at once; and today it looks as if I might lose my mom, my home and my husband within a few weeks. Often God does not keep us from going through these crisises, but He does help us to bear them easier. I thank the Lord for the unbelievable quality of friends He has given me. What incredible gifts. Those relationships I can take with me to the next world, unlike worldly goods. Love doesn't die when the body dies. It is usually through other people that the Lord answers our prayers.
I am praying for most of you that I know well. You are still in my prayer journal.