Monday, 25 January 2010

Not Doing Well

Thank you all who have written to ask about my absence. I'm not doing well. Many visits to the hospital, sometimes once or twice a week. One time with my mom in the bed beside me because we were both too ill to even check on each other or help each other for over a week, except to call each other on the phone. Finally we both got too dehydrated, too much pain, and mom had a kidney infection. She was quickly feeling better after her second antibiotic pill. I was told my condition would get worse before it got better, and although I denied it because I knew the Lord would step in...the Dr. was right.  It is getting worse before it's getting better.
    Lupus doesn't like it when there are drastic weather changes multiple times in a short time period, so it caused red, angry, raging, painful inflammation throughout many organs in both Mom and I. It affects every function in our body and feels like you are dying, even though we are not. It amazes me that a person can suffer so much and there is no help for them...that they pray for it to stop or pray to go be with the Lord, but that doesn't happen either. They pray for help from another human being and  yet they are left alone. 
    I often tell the Lord to forgive me for not being completely positive right now. This pain is so distracting, and so much "louder" than the "still small voice" of the Holy Spirit, that I seem to have forgotten all the lessons I've learned. I'm sure I will recall them soon, but I sure appreciate the friends that God gave me to remind me of the encouraging thoughts when I have forgotten for the moment.
    I know things could be worse. I know there are others in worse condition than me. Somehow that doesn't make the pain any less. With grief that makes you feel like your life is over (though logically you know that's a lie), and then physical pain that makes you feel more than half dead, it's tough to think anything at all, good or bad.
     I pray to be MORE useful to the Lord, to be able to do MORE, but become more and more useless. With this mourning, I'm sure this is part of what caused the lupus flare up, but the Lord had been carrying me and helping me. The emotional comfort that it took me 7 years to get after my first divorce, had come to me just 3 weeks after this loss. I was able to dream again and make new plans for my life that is starting over, and had a lot of hope for the future, then it seemed I was slapped down...to show me that none of those dreams will be possible.
   I know all this will soon pass...it's just hard while I'm "walking through the fire"...and inflammation throughout your body DOES feel like I am walking through fire. 
    Not able to even shower or dress or get up longer than to get a drink of water, so Mom and I are living on these medical nutrition drinks that supply all the necessary nutrients. I am praying for strength to drive Mom to her doctor in another town tomorrow. I am afraid of the way I will pay for that trip afterwards, because I know how my body reacts when I overdo when I feel this bad. Hoping not to end up in the hospital, but maybe that's where I should be, to get the care and treatment that would help me get well. I just have not gotten an emergency room Dr. willing to take on such a complicated case as mine yet, so they send me home to suffer. I can't get to see my own Dr., because I can't wait for weeks for an appointment, and even if I got an appointment tomorrow, I could not sit up in the waiting room for the 2 hour wait that it takes to see her, but she is not allowed to come to the emergency room to see me or treat me there either. It makes me wonder what is the purpose of having a Dr. if I can't get them to treat me when I am too sick to even sit up.
   Sorry to complain. I'm just emotionally and physically overwhelmed right now, as all humans can get. Thanks for your patience with me.
Blessings, Sheila


Hi Shiela,
I have reprinted your email to me in my newest post at Random Thoughts. And there's a link to your blog so that my readers will be able to read your latest post too. I can't help but cry when I read your latest post. I keep asking God how a person can suffer so much. I felt so helpless not being able to physically help you. But we both know that prayers can more than make up for the inadequacy of physical help even if the distance is a thousand miles apart. What can I say to comfort you my friend? I could almost feel your pains in my body and I shudder at the thought of the extreme pains, loneliness and helplessness that you and your mother felt, being so alone in your own little corner of the world. Oh if only someone nearer to you could help you even in finding a suitable helper/aid to help you and your sick mother and brother in all your physical needs. May the Lord provide you for all your needs (physical, spiritual, emotional and financial)according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. As you say, all these things shall pass away and we should just trust God that He will help you in every way. That is our hope and that is our faith. I will continue to pray for you my friend and I hope and pray that my readers will do likewise. In the end when the Lord returns for all of us, the reasons for all your sufferings will be revealed. Until then, let us be strong in the Lord and trust Him with all our hearts for He will never ever leave us nor forsake us. God bless you always my friend and sister in Christ.

Can you imagine Sheila?
Just I searched for the phrase "wake up - reality is better than dream" by google and google pointed to your blog...
So I am here and I am reading your post and my heart is full of pain. I am so sorry that you suffer so much. I think that the Spirit of God led me to you today. But... not suggested to me what can I say to you....
I always pray for you and entrust you to God's Grace. I never lose hope that you will be well....

I think this is God's voice prompted me right now:
You will be healthy! You will be well! Believe Sheila! God loves you!

Thank you Mel for your compassion, but from what I understand, you suffer as much pain as I do. Maybe the difference is that you are not completely alone, which helps you be stronger, and you are not going semi-conscious. I am quite ashamed of myself when I think of how you also suffer but you are able to keep taking care of your family and yourself, then I remember that it's not wise to compare ourselves to each other, because we really don't know what physical problems are plagueing the other person. Thanks for the post for the prayers. I am afraid people will get very tired of praying for me.
N. American society seems to have become so isolated. Families don't live together like they used to, people rarely visit each other like they used to. They work all day, then come home to face their "boxes" of computers and TVs. A LOT of people are really left alone. There is not enough help for home health.
Thanks for your kindness and prayers. Still looking for someone to hire.
Blessings, Sheila

You are so big hearted, I thank you for your encouragement. You have just had a very inspired and odd experience, because I have never heard that phrase in my life, so I never printed it in my blog. I did a search through google for it, and almost nothing showed up, not even my blog...so you were maybe led here through inspiration! God works in mysterious ways!
I have been believing in a brighter, more healthy life, and thinking of all the great things I will be able to do when I get more strength, and this is why I was SO disappointed when I got so sick, when I was so sure my life was on the way up! I still think it will happen. This is going to be a year much better than the past 10 years. I have felt that inspiration. It's just hard to go through the hard times like this in order to get to the good times. Very scary and confusing as well. Oh well, God is in control. THANK YOU for the encouragement. It always helps.
Bless you,

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