Thanks to those who are asking how I am. I am doing a lot of fantasizing of moving to a country where we will be treated compassionately until the end.
The pain is getting worse and worse, but I am thanking God that I have not had any withdrawal. This PROVES the new science of pain control's claim that if a person in severe pain is given the right dosage, they do not get high, they do not get addicted, they do not crave to take more and more and more, or more often just for the great feeling, because it gives no great feeling except to cut down on the pain some. Not eliminate it, but make it more bearable. Make us more functional.
My friend in India is taking care of her mother in law with advanced nose cancer. The other day, the tumor broke open and started pouring out fluid so much that she was getting dehydrated. My friend called a cancer Dr., and the cancer Dr. himself came to their house! Housecalls are unheard of there too. He arranged for a nurse to come and give her saline intravenous treatments for 24 hours, and started her on the morphine every 4 hours. See? Even if I was in a third world country I could get better treatment, because I could afford their cheap fees. This "civilized", "generous" medical system that seems available to most Canadian citizens is not available to me, (or anyone) until they find a Dr. who will deal with complicated, chronic illness, and with severe pain near end of life, that requires pain medicine. Compassionate, patient Doctors are very hard to find these days.
Yes, it is just the pain and lack of sleep, and not having anyone to talk to all day/night to distract me and help me think differently, all these are making me talk negatively. I don't know how I will get feeling good enough to go see another 17 or so doctors to find one who will take me as a patient. In the meantime, I will be getting worse pain until I am pretty much helpless and unable to think. I am only going from past experience, but I will keep hoping that all these things will change, or that I will be able to change them in some way, or that God will change them in some way.
The pain is more intense because of the stress of knowing that no matter how bad I get, I was told that I will not get help. When I knew that I could get help no matter how bad it got, the pain was less, because I was more secure and relaxed. I am trying now to do things to relax, to lessen the pain, but as the pain gets worse, it gets harder to relax or to even think of ways to help myself.
This will get better. I will get out of this hole, this tough situation. I just don't know how yet,. but like the scripture says, "Do not rely on your own understanding". He knows the answer. He will help things happen...just like the miracle 24 hours that happened after the Dr. abused me so badly.
The Lord is sending a lot of people my way who have been where I am, and have learned how to get out of this situation. I am just praying that I can remember all that I learn.
"WHAT THE CATERPILLAR THINKS IS THE END,
THE BUTTERFLY KNOWS IS ONLY