Wednesday, 30 April 2008



Chronic pain can make us feel isolated and helpless, especially if its cause is an illness or physical condition for which there is no cure or medical treatment. At times of deepest despair, finding ways
to nurture our spirits can help us not only cope with the pain, but
also discover nuggets of grace, comfort, productivity that can move
us through and beyond the helplessness and hopelessness we feel.
Below are 10 spiritual tools that can help you get started toward
peace in spite of and in the midst of pain.


When we are in great pain, finding true peace and comfort is not easy, but it is possible.  If we first try to still our worries and focus both external and internal. Finding a place where there are no noisy distractions is a great start. Enjoying the outward quiet,
we can then calm ourselves and nurture peace within.


The act of breathing is not only a physical process, but it can also be a tool to move pain, negative thoughts, and worry out of our bodies and
hearts, replacing this with a
better sense of self. In a quiet place, breathe in slowly and
deeply, then let the breath
out, expelling stress and pain with it. Feel the sharpness of
pain subside as relaxation
and calm takes its place.


A beautiful piece of music can inspire our spirits and soothe our pain like no other sound. It can also help us get in touch with the absolute joy of living, even if we live with severe pain. Put on your favorite piece of music...
instrumental or vocal... sit back and close your eyes. Let the music carry you away from your immediate pain to a
place of calm.


So often when we pray, we ask for relief and leave it at that. Perhaps more effective when pain is oppressive is lifting up our pain and then resting
quietly with the comfort that our
concerns are being tended by One greater than ourselves, and
we don't have to take
them back again.


Pain can isolate us and make us feel very much alone. But in reality, we are part of an amazing world. A walk in the outdoors, a glance outside at a
garden, a quiet moment with a beloved pet...each of these things can renew our sense of belonging to the world.
and help us to feel less alone in our pain, and make us grateful for our lives among such wonder.


Pain itself is no laughing matter, but the act of laughing can be physically and spiritually healing. It helps us breathe deeply, cleanses tense pain from our bodies, gives key  muscles exercise, and lets us travel to an uplifting place of joy. Whether it's a joke, a cartoon,  or the antics of a pet, find laughter and enjoy it often.


When we are in pain, it can be easy to feel as if no one cares. But there are many in the world who feel the same thing, and we can make a difference in our lives and in others' lives by reaching out in comfort and care. A phone
call to a hurting friend, a visit to someone in need, even an e-mail to an online support group, all of these can help us feel less isolated and help others in the process.


It is easy for our souls to be flooded with darkness when pain is sharp and overwhelming. We can combat this darkness...light can help focus
thoughts and bring comfort. Don't spend too much time in dark rooms.
Even in the darkness, be conscious of the light all around and let it guide you to a greater calm.


Often there is no cure for what causes our pain. This can make us feel as if our bodies are out of control. But, the better we take care of ourselves, the more we will feel at least a little control of our circumstances, and our attitude
toward pain. Taking time to follow a healthful regimen reflects on our spiritual health too, and gives us a chance to rise above our pain and feel better inside and out.


Every day, there are new developments in medicine and in therapies to our pain inside and out. Hope is not just a feeling that things will be better...it is a tangible tool to nurture and guide us through the frustrations that accompany pain into positive actions that can make our lives better now and in the future. Without hope, our spirits wither. With hope, as with the creator, all things are possible.

"May the God of all comfort give you a pain and stress-free day"
Italics in 7 added by me.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008


Yesterday I wanted to go get the groceries, because we had gone without so many things it finally just had to be done. Mom is healthy enough to do it, but I don't know her reason for not doing it...so I tried. I got showered, dressed, groomed, and then was so exhausted I couldn't even get up the stairs. What a weird disease! I decided that when I want to go out, I will have to shower and do grooming before bed at night, then use energy just for going out to run that errand the next day. I did it. I got groceries for the first time in about 8 months, had to use the scooter with the shopping basket in the store. There is no way I could walk through a store. I then put them all in the car, in a blizzard, went to the second store to get non-food items, went and filled the car with gas, still in the blizzard, then when I got home, my brother helped me unload them, the trunk and back seat were full. That is the most groceries we got at once in years I think. I had to rest before I unloaded the car, then after unloading the car rested again before putting the food away. Now I am in serious pain, but the oxygen and my medicine will help soon. I am just so proud that I was able to do it! I will have to recover for days from this, but still happy I was able to do it.
The thought of my father was with me so strongly today that I wonder if he was really with me! Then I remembered that today is the 23rd, the date that he died 5 months ago.
Well, I used up all my "spoons" today. LOL. Those of you who know the story of the "Spoon Theory" will understand what I mean. If you want to read it, it is here in my blog at:
It really is a blessing to be able to do things and feel the sense of accomplishment, instead of being so weak that I think I am a useless person. I guess my many worldwide friends that I counsel each day through chat and friendships would never call me that, but we are hard on ourselves, aren't we all? When illness limits us, we need to focus on all the things we still CAN do, not just what we can't, and to use our imagination to learn new ways to do things that we think we can no longer do.
To my dear readers who have left me comments, and have become part of my life, you are in my prayers daily! Prayer has power, so know that something good will happen soon! Blessings,Bluebirdy

Saturday, 19 April 2008

I'll Praise You In This Storm

Today on the local news was a story about the biggest clinic in my city pulling out of the Health Organization which encompasses the hospitals, the clinics, the Dr. offices, labs, x-ray offices, etc. They are disgusted with how the organization is run and how they treat people...so now I know it is not just me that was feeling neglected and insulted. If a whole clinic of 25 doctors got disgusted with this city's health care system and pulled out to form their own system, there is a BIG Problem in this city. That gives me some hope that another city in Canada might not be so cruel, maybe we will have to move.
I am in so much pain, even though I got my pain meds, I guess I went without it for so long, that it will take a few days to build up enough in my body to take the pain away. So now I know what horrid pain I would have without the pain medicine, and it is pain that makes life not worth living. A pain you can not even feel human through.
Even though I am hurting, I still pray, and try to be still and listen for answers. Prayer is not jut talking to God, it is listening for what He wants to tell you! I feel quite close to the Lord,even if I don't understand His plan for this suffering.
I have added this song to the music box on the top right of this page. You can click on the song to hear it as you read the lyrics. You can click on any song you would like to hear there.
This is how I feel. I will praise Him in this storm! I love Him and trust Him, even if I don't understand.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
sung by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away


I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth


Blessings, Bluebirdy

Monday, 14 April 2008


GOD IS SO GOOD! What wonderful faith building experiences I have been having lately!

Hi !, I just wanted to share my wonderful news with you!

Another little miracle! I have tears of happiness and gratitude! I just had to keep trusting God, and remember that He has the answers, even when I don't, and He will make things happen and come together. Whatever God's plan is for your life, He will make things come together for each step along the way.

I was planning on spending today calling people to help me find a patient advocate who might help me find a Dr.

Instead, a friend came over that needed help with immigration papers. I thought "That's fine, every delay and every mistake has always turned out to have a reason." So I helped her, (happy to avoid a day of repeating my story over and over and to avoid getting too emotional) and just as she closed the door behind her as she left, my phone rang. IT WAS MY REGULAR DR. who has been away for more than 6 months!!! He is not taking appointments yet but went to the clinic for a couple of hours, and the nurses had told him what a nightmare I had been going through, and he called me to tell me that he was arranging for my medicine to be delivered to me tomorrow, instead of waiting 3 more weeks until he starts working again! So even though I had to struggle for 10 days, The Lord did help! I think if I did not trust Him, things could have been much worse. I would have suffered more, and perhaps I would have waited for 3 more weeks instead of getting help today.

When I talk to my regular Dr. in 3 weeks, I am going to ask him how we can prevent this kind of trouble from ever happening again. Maybe he could refer me to another Dr. for the times he leaves the country, or if he is going to retire. Maybe he can get me in to see a kind Dr. easier than I could myself. A referral from a Dr. goes a lot farther than begging from a desperate patient.

Oh how good it feels to know the Lord knows our every problem, and if we ask Him, He will help us with it. Another faith building experience.

Thank you for your prayers!

The rest of the story, good and bad, is at

Sheila W
To my dear friends who have been praying and supporting me:

Sunday, 13 April 2008


Have you ever felt like this duck ?

I am not writing this to upset anyone or to get sympathy. My lupus group asked me to post my progress, good or bad, through this medical abuse situation I am going through, so medical
people can understand pain better.

Can't write much, too much pain, but wanted people to know that God is helping me. This will take a few hours for me to get my thoughts out. God speaks to us through "the still, small voice inside", and right now my pain is "louder" than that voice, so I don't get as much comfort when the pain is worst, but before the pain got too bad, I was inspired to look for a "patient advocate" to help me get a new Dr. In the USA there is 1 in every hospital, but when I researched it here 2 days ago, I learned that when you sign papers to be admitted to a Canadian hospital, you are signing something that says that you CAN NOT have a patient advocate help you! Then what is a patient advocate for?
Medical system could do so much if it
was not so corrupt.

Tomorrow I will try to start to make calls to get help. There is no way I can even get out of bed long enough to go visit up to 20 doctors to find one that will accept me. I tried 17 before. Was insulted, abused, accused, neglected, and I don't have strength to bear all of that now when I am curled in a ball in pain. God has always helped me find answers before, He will help me again. I almost lost hope because I was "leaning on my own understanding", but God knows answers that I don't know, and He will help me find the solution again.

I understand now more than ever why trigeminal neuralgia is called the suicide disease, but I also have pain throughout my whole body to try to bear with the trigeminal neuralgia. It gets worse as the day goes on, and by evening I can't think anything except to silently pray, and a few times I even prayed that if this was not going to get better, or if I could not get help, if God would just take me. I can barely remember my own name when it gets that bad. It makes chest pain like when this pain made my heart stop before, so I wonder if I will have another NDE. (Near death experience.) Since He did not take me, that means He WILL find some way for the pain to get less...whether its a natural way, through His healing, or through the medical world.

It's ironic that I go unconscious from diabetes when I don't have bad pain, yet when I am in this horrid pain, I can't pass out to escape the pain. I am amazed a person can hurt this much and not pass out.

I want medical people who read this to understand that things are worse than death, to learn that much chronic pain is worse than anything a cancer patient would feel, yet we get called "drug seekers" and get denied any help. Cancer patients' pain will go away. Either they will die, or they will be cured. Lupus and and other diseases do not go away. People with these diseases will live for 40 years+ in pain, being expected to keep up with everyone else and to keep living a high paced, high stress life.

This article took 6 hours! (lots of resting between writing)
I know that Heavenly Father is helping me through this,
and I am SO grateful!I know He will help me get better so that I can finish my purpose for coming to earth. (His plan for my life).
Blessings! I'm praying for all of you that have become my online friends!

Thursday, 10 April 2008

People asking how I am

Thanks to those who are asking how I am. I am doing a lot of fantasizing of moving to a country where we will be treated compassionately until the end.
    The pain is getting worse and worse, but I am thanking God that I have not had any withdrawal. This PROVES the new science of pain control's claim that if a person in severe pain is given the right dosage, they do not get high, they do not get addicted, they do not crave to take more and more and more, or more often just for the great feeling, because it gives no great feeling except to cut down on the pain some. Not eliminate it, but make it more bearable. Make us more functional.
    My friend in India is taking care of her mother in law with advanced nose cancer. The other day, the tumor broke open and started pouring out fluid so much that she was getting dehydrated. My friend called a cancer Dr., and the cancer Dr. himself came to their house! Housecalls are unheard of there too. He arranged for a nurse to come and give her saline intravenous treatments for 24 hours, and started her on the morphine every 4 hours. See? Even if I was in a third world country I could get better treatment, because I could afford their cheap fees. This "civilized", "generous" medical system that seems available to most Canadian citizens is not available to me, (or  anyone) until they find a Dr. who will deal with complicated, chronic illness, and with severe pain near end of life, that requires pain medicine. Compassionate, patient Doctors are very hard to find these days.
     Yes, it is just the pain and lack of sleep, and not having anyone to talk to all day/night to distract me and help me think differently, all these are making me talk negatively. I don't know how I will get feeling good enough to go see another 17 or so doctors to find one who will take me as a patient. In the meantime, I will be getting worse pain until I am pretty much helpless and unable to think. I am only going from past experience, but I will keep hoping that all these things will change, or that I will be able to change them in some way, or that God will change them in some way.
    The pain is more intense because of the stress of knowing that no matter how bad I get, I was told that I will not get help. When I knew that I could get help no matter how bad it got, the pain was less, because I was more secure and relaxed. I am trying now to do things to relax, to lessen the pain, but as the pain gets worse, it gets harder to relax or to even think of ways to help myself.
    This will get better. I will get out of this hole, this tough situation. I just don't know how yet,. but like the scripture says, "Do not rely on your own understanding".   He knows the answer. He will help things happen...just like the miracle 24 hours that happened after the Dr. abused me so badly.
     The Lord is sending a lot of people my way who have been where I am, and have learned how to get out of this situation. I am just praying that I can remember all that I learn.
        THE  BEGINNING!"
               -Kathleen Lewis

Monday, 7 April 2008



It's 2 a.m. when I'm writing this, but I will probably post it later because I want to add more later. I have to type all my ideas down before I forget them! I have to show my gratitude to the Lord for pouring His healing oil onto me all evening. God does answer prayer, and it's usually through others that he does it.

See the picture of this angel up top? It is not animated in this blog, but usually the stars are pouring from the angels hand's down to earth. In the past 8 hours or so, God has been SO MERCIFUL and COMFORTING....sending me friends who send me the perfect song, the perfect guidance, the perfect advice, the perfect website that I needed right now. Tonight I thought I was at the end of my rope. I was worn out, hopeless.
When you lose hope, you lose a reason to exist.

The first spiritual "manna from heaven" that came was that I found the song "Don't give up" on a friend's blog. I have added it to my music box in the upper right corner of my blog. Just click on it in the box, and it will start playing. How perfect! The message of "Don't give up, it's just the world's weight on your shoulders, but you are loved"....which comes just as I am saying that I can't do this anymore!

Then came some emails, sent at just the right time, saying just the right things. One of the things said, was that happiness does not just 'happen' for many of us. For those of us, it is a choice that takes effort. Not an effort to just fake a smile or pretend and act silly and giddy and falsely happy, but effort to learn how to change the way we perceive life, and perceive our problems, and to learn things we can do to make ourselves feel better, which will make life more enjoyable, more meaningful, easier to bear. I have been working hard to do that for a long time, but having problems retaining the things I am learning, due to the distracting pain interrupting my thoughts, making me forget what was just told to me.
Next came emails from my most deep, spiritual friends, offering prayers and suggestions to help me get through this. They didn't know it, but the Lord helped me gain new insights from things they did not even say.
That insight was: I have been leaning on my own understanding, and since I could not see any alternatives, I gave up hope! That Dr. seemed to want me to suffer as much as possible and he did not even care when I told him that these 3 conditions are known to be potentially fatal, especially if the person has chronic illness and heart problems to begin with. I just don't want to lay in bed sweating, moaning, crying, in too much pain to think, and don't want my family to have to watch me go through it, but I don't want to go to a Motel to go through it either. God DOES know other alternatives, and will lead me to them. He will help me get through the suffering until I am led to the alternative solution that will help me have less pain so that I am functional again.

Then I got an email from a person I have not talked to since high school. It came just as I was sobbing. I had written to her months ago, and since I never got a reply, I just forgot about it, thinking I probably never WOULD get a reply. Her letter said:

"I just wanted to drop a quick line to let you know that I haven't forgotten about my need to reply to the lovely letter you sent me.Of course I remember you! I have wonderful memories of your beauty and sweetness and purity. I adored you! I loved how good you were. You were a bright and shining example to me and I've never forgotten you, your charm, your smile, or the love you so easily gave to all those around you.I'd love to communicate more. I will respond more fully to your letter when I get out from under the deadlines I've been under with work and school. I think you're wonderful! (And of the pictures you sent, I loved the one of you without make-up the best!) :-) Much love and fond memories, K."

Perfect wording for a time when I had lost all self esteem, so much that I don't even want to meet new people, or re-meet old friends. That letter really helped that!

All evening, these wonderful insights are coming in like the angel in the picture dropping little messages from heaven!!!! To me it is like a miracle and I hope I never forget this day. There were other emails and a chatroom visit, but those lessons were so personal that I'd rather just savor them, and let them grow within me.
Another amazing blessing is how well Mom has been through my pneumonia. Good thing or she would be in serious trouble because I can't go to the hospital with her to be her defender/protector/advocate in the condition I am in.

Once again I have to thank the Lord PROFUSELY, that I am allowed to live in the time of Internet, especially if I have to spend so much time in bed. I feel sorry for everyone in the past who had to live for years and years sick in a bed, with no physical help, with no one to talk to, no visitors. I can reach so many corners of the world from my bed...that I could not even reach if I were healthy and able to travel.
I also believe that since there are too many people in this world to get to know, (we don't even get to know all of our neighbors anymore), that God has a hand in sending certain people into your life for very specific reasons. These are people that we learn from and that we teach. Sometimes they stay friends for life, but more often, when the Lord's purpose is done, they or we move on to learn from and teach others. This helps form who we are, and helps complete the mission we were sent to earth for. Yes I believe EVERY person has something specific to do here on earth.

The next "miracle"...earlier I talked about the new scientific findings of pain control; and that people who take the right amount of pain killer for their pain do not get addicted or high; the medicine just neutralizes the pain...nothing else. Well, it has been many days since I had my pain medicine. Though the pain is getting worse by the hour, I AM HAVING NO WITHDRAWAL!!!! GOD IS MERCIFUL! He has saved me from that horrid malady that can be fatal if you are already weak and sick. I should have remembered this from one other time when I had no pain meds for a long time. NO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS! So just the pneumonia and the pain are my physical problems.

The rest is all stress related discomfort (spirit and mind), from my overwhelming number of problems. If I can continue to train myself to relax, the pain will lessen and the problems will not cause such a feeling of everything being too hard or even impossible.

If I would have done what my lowest, most negative thoughts urged me to do, (or maybe what the enemy was urging me to do), which was to turn off the phone and the internet and hide under my blankets, I would not have been opened up to all these wonderful messages coming to rescue me!! Satan LOVES to attack you when you are weakest, and he loves to fill your empty thoughts and empty times with negative thoughts, so I would have been so much more miserable, just thinking negatively because I could not see any hope of anything getting any better!

THANK YOU LORD FOR SHOWING I AM LOVED, I AM BLESSED, YOU ARE SO GRACIOUS, AND WILL POUR BLESSINGS UPON US if we open our hearts and minds to realize that it is YOU sending these things, it was not just a night of a series of coincidences! No one that contacted me had read my blog, so they didn't know what was going on with me...but they lived close enough to the Lord to be able to get the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost, and to reach out to me! I AM NOT ALONE!!! I HAVE SO MANY WORLD WIDE FRIENDS...I JUST DON'T HAVE LOCAL PHYSICAL HELP!!!

How Can I ever thank God enough for all the ways He helps me get through all these crisises and unbearable stresses and pains? .

I've been praying that the Lord will help me retain all these lessons that he is sending to me. The impression I was then given, was that the forgetfulness was given to me specifically to forget the severe pain I may have dealt with last week or month or whatever, because the cumulative stress of remembering how much pain I suffered would be too much for me, and unfortunately, along with forgetting the date, what I went through in the past while, I will also forget other things I try to learn, such as memorizing scrips, languages, lessons, things to do.

I wonder if my recently deceased Dad had anything to do with this.

Thank you all and bless you all, my earth angels!
May you be rewarded 10 fold for how you bless others' lives!

Sunday, 6 April 2008

A bit less scared now- Thank You GLORIOUS LORD!

Please read the post below this one as well as this one. I have been praying. I am comforted, strengthened, but still not looking forward to the point that I often get to with Trigeminal Neuralgia (the suicide disease) see
It gets to a point  where my only possible thought is a screaming prayer inside my head, and it is so all-encompassing that I am not able to even make my brain force my body to function enough to get myself off the bed, onto the stretcher to take the ambulance to the hospital, so I often tell Mom not to call them, I will just stay home and suffer because I am in no shape to explain my problem or defend myself at that point.
    What a PRECIOUS, GLORIOUS gift that we can pray, and our Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus, and the comforter, the Holy Ghost...will wrap their arms around us, will calm our mind and heart, and will strengthen us!
    I do not see the purpose of the suffering I am facing in the next while until I can find a Dr. to treat me, or until my regular Dr. returns to the country...but I know there is a purpose, and I will learn it someday. It doesn't lessen the pain to know that, though. I have been told by a dozen nurses that most people with cancer will never feel the amount of pain that I do, and they are given as much pain killer as they want, but people like me who have to try to keep running a household and a life and have to keep living and functioning, are treated very badly, like criminals for needing pain relief.
    I've had enough of unbearable pain, and if it does get bad enough that my heart stops again, it will just mean that I will have another Near Death Experience, and will see the spirit world again, and then be told that "my work on earth is not yet done", and will be sent back to my body again. When my spirit goes back into my body after an NDE, my arms and legs feel as heavy as cement to lift, compared to the effortless, painless experience just a few minutes earlier, only in my spirit body. My body feels like a prison compared to the freedom my spirit had. Every sound, color, thought is duller, not as clear and bright...so it feels as if this is the dream, and that life in the spirit world is the REAL life.
   Maybe I am at a stage of my life right now where I need more instruction from the other side, and maybe that is why I will have to go through what comes next, no matter how painful or dangerous.
    I'm just so frustrated and ready to move to another country, but too weak to do that. A country where I could pay for medical care, rather than being told that I am ever allowed to get medical care again, no matter how bad off I get.
    I think God has over-estimated my strength. I am wearing out quickly, and have become physically useless, and can't get physical help. Can't even have my husband, which He gave to me! SO FRUSTIPATING! (That's just another of my own words, like absotively and posolutely and diriculous instead of ridiculous.) My family and close friends have learned my language. lol.
    I want to be with my husband, and live near my children and grand-children, but since I would be physically unable to do much with them or for them, maybe this is the reason God is not letting me be with them. Ok, enough thinking out loud. Going to try to relax so the pain won't get so bad.
P.S.  A note to the Christian group who is telling me that medicine will not heal me so I should not be taking medicine. Medicine will not heal me either, it helps me function. With diabetes and other body parts that stop working, we often need help. ALL the medicine that I take is Natural except for 2. One is for pain, one is for diabetes. People with lupus have a lot of bad reactions to prescriptions. Actually, even strong painkillers are natural, but they are very controlled by the medical system. So I guess ALL my meds except 1 are all natural!
   I don't agree in the belief that people should go off their insulin or heart medicine and expect healing, and that's my right to free thought and free expression, just as your suggestions to me are your right.
Bless you.

So scared!

A friend just wrote to me, telling me about a brain surgery she just had to stop her shaking. It turned out that the Dr. had never done it before and she had to be awake the whole time, and he made some mistakes that made her suffer.
   She has to go through part 2 of the surgery on Wednesday, again with the Dr. who has never done this before, so please add "Helen" to your prayer lists, if you will.
     I am sharing with you a letter I wrote to her, because it will explain what is going on with me right now. Soon I won't be able to write how I am, as I am getting worse hourly.
    I feel guilty even asking for support or more prayers again...but some need help longer than others. Thanks in advance. I'm scared.
Oh Helen....
    *tears* I am so sorry for what you are going through. It seems that usually the cure is harder than the illness. Whenever we get treatment, they seem to have to cause more pain in some way, to help fix the pain. It's a tradeoff. I hope you will recover so quickly. I am putting you on my church prayer list, then maybe you will heal quicker, and go through Wednesday's surgery easier than anyone. OH GOSH I wish it was not that same Dr. doing Wednesday's surgery...but I guess they have to do everything for the first time, and it's unfortunate to be their patient for their first time...especially if you have to stay awake to feel all their mistakes!
   I'm going to mention your meds to my brother. Who also has a shaking problem. At the moment, a Dr. who does not understand about people in pain deserving pain medicine, treated like a filthy drug addict instead of a person who needs pain relief. He is from Africa and says this country gives too much pain medicine and in Africa, no one gets pain control, even if they are screaming and close to death. I didn't think that was something to brag about from his country. In this country, and in most of the world, we are learning that people in pain are very  much under-treated, and that it is only compassionate to help relieve serious pain.   
     On Friday my Dr. insulted, abused, demeaned me so badly, that I almost gave up hope for living. He is a substitute for my Dr. and won't carry on my regular treatment, so now I get to go through pneumonia, withdrawal of my regular meds, and severe pain that has made my heart stop before, from lupus, and from Trigeminal Neuralgia, also called the suicide disease. He does not care if I go home and scream and die in this amount of suffering. In even a third world country, I could at least get treatment if I paid for it, but in Canada, we can't pay for it, so if they say "no treatment", you are just stuck to go home and suffer alone, and have your family watch you suffer and cry out and sweat and shake, etc. etc.  Mom is also terminally ill, Dad died just a few weeks ago. I don't want her to see me when I get really bad in a day or 2, but if I go to a motel, I could die there alone with no food or drink or help. I'm in so much trouble right now. Doing lots of praying and reading positive things as long as I am able to concentrate. Each hour gets a bit more severe. Soon I won't be able to talk myself out of negative thoughts...my only thoughts will be screaming thoughts and crying out to my loving God...and I am scared. That Dr. caused so much stress that he increased the pain right then and there, because stress makes lupus worse. If I know I can get help no matter how much I suffer, I relax and the pain is less. Now that I have been told that I will not get help no matter how bad the suffering gets, the pain is worse and so is the fear.
   If you pray, I would appreciate a prayer or two. Going to put your name on the prayer list now.
Bless you....bless the doctor's mind and hands.
God bless.

Saturday, 5 April 2008


Well, this blog is now officially a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. When I started it, I thought I could be all strength and encouragement and powerful...but it has not turned out that way. This is not how I thought I would deal with this. I guess there are lessons to be learned from illness, and here is where I record those lessons.

This blog gets the worst of my personality and thoughts. When I am with other people online, in emails, chatrooms, messenger, I am a joker and positive and I am the one comforting others, so here is where I get the pain out of my system.

Despite everything I am going through, things could be worse if I was not a Christian. There is a peaceful joy about being a Christian, and that is that promise that the Lord will always be with us, comfort and strengthen us, no matter what we are going through, and that there is hope of things getting better, and that we feel the comfort that passes all understanding. These are things that non-believers will never know.

Wow! feelings can change so fast! Yesterday I was so encouraged, felt so hopeful, as if my new life was starting soon and that it was going to be great! I felt so strong emotionally, even though still weak from the pneumonia. I was thanking the Lord for all the people he had sent me lately to teach me, to help me see the light through my dark pain, and thanking Him for all the positive media that I have been sent lately to help me see life in a new way. I don't have much energy now for more study, but when I do, it's all positive. I had been only reading/seeing positive websites, TV shows, radio talk programs, magazines etc. and was on the upswing.

Today I feel like I have been knocked down the mountain that I had just struggled to climb.

I'm not sure if I told you about another disease I have, it is called "Trigeminal Neuralgia", also called "The suicide disease" because it is the worst pain a human being can feel. Please look here:
I bear that along with organ damage to almost all of my organs from lupus, and fibromyalgia, and multiple other problems.
My regular Dr. gave me enough pain meds for the 6 months he would be gone out of the country, and that ended March 25, so I have been cutting meds in half until my Dr. would get back because he is late. We don't know if or when he will return, because he talked about retiring, and he has not even contacted the clinic to tell anyone what is going on. This week I was too sick to drive 30 miles to his office to see the Dr. that is taking his place, so I called and asked him to call my pharmacy to refill my meds, which has been done many times in the past. His nurse has tried to solve the problem between me and the Dr. on call and the pharmacy since Tuesday. Finally I ran out of meds and I decided I need to go talk to this Dr. face to face so he knows I am not a drug abuser, I am not doing anything wrong, as he insinuated over the phone for 3 days, (Is it really a crime to have pain?) and to tell him I just getting over pneumonia, was given 1 year to live, and I am 9 months into that, and I am struggling with my Dad's death, trying to support my terminally ill mom and mentally ill brother, and trying to stay strong enough for my husband to come home to a whole person. I told him I don't want to increase my dosage, I just want to keep the dosage I am on, or even lower it a bit if he has a big problem with my regular dosage. This Dr. said no, he would not help me. He took my Mom on as a patient and gave her MORE than she needs of pain medicine because she is 75, and said that if my Dr. doesn't come back (he is thinking of retiring), then I am just straight out of luck and he said he could guarantee that I would not be getting any more pain relief because I am too young. If my mom and I are both dying from lupus and heart/kidney failure, what sense does it make that the 75 year old gets the pain relief but the daughter (me) that has to keep the house running doesn't need or deserve relief? Mom thinks we are all just going to die of neglect, like Dad.

It's still ironic that even in a third world country, I could PAY to get treatment, but here, you can not pay, so you can't even pay to get some treatment! So now I understand why some very good, honest Christians, good citizens, resort to buying painkillers from neighbors who get extra, or from more illicit sellers! There's just no choice! I also now understand that there IS a breaking point where a person who KNOWS that suicide is a sin, just can not bear the pain anymore, and takes his own life. I guess I am getting more understanding/compassionate, less judgmental in some ways.

At this point I feel like if you are young and in pain, you have no right to be taking up space on this earth. He added a few more insults and pretty much made me feel like I have no right to take up room on this planet if I am young and in severe pain, and I have no right to ask for help, and no right to even complain about the pain.

He insinuated that ALL my life's problems were caused by the pain medicine...which is wacky because most of my life problems came before I started taking pain medicine, and most of my life problems are caused by PAIN! Not by trying to get out of pain! Even my ex-husband got upset as soon as I started seeking for pain relief. He worked me so hard that I was in severe pain, but when I tried to get pain relief so I could continue to care for his home and family, he would not stay with me. I guess he would rather have had me in excruciating pain. He never did much to help me around the house or with the kids. I wonder how he thinks anything would have gotten done if I didn't get help for my pain?

I told the Dr. that I can't bear the thought of dealing with pneumonia and possible withdrawal and severe pain at the same time, any one of which could be fatal , and a very horrible sadistic way to live or die.
Any one of those 3 things can be fatal. I have had my heart stop from the pain, and many people have died from withdrawal, especially if they have heart problems to begin with.

I explained that I don't WANT to be on this medicine...this was the last resort. I don't take it just because I like taking pills or something. I tried every possible other medicine combination before I was put onto this medicine. I was put on this because my heart stopped from the pain, and the Dr. decided that it would be better to be alive and on pain medicine, than be dead before I was 40. I am addicted to being out of pain and addicted to life! Not addicted to a drug. If I wanted to die, all I would do is STOP taking my pain meds, and soon I would be in critical condition, or possibly my heart would stop from the pain again.

This substitute Dr. pretty much said he didn't care if I died, and said if I am flat in bed now with the morphine, then if he takes it away I will still be flat in bed, so what's the difference? I said "the difference is me screaming in pain and wanting to die, and my family suffering as they watch that; as opposed to helping people on the computer 12 hours a day, and looking forward to a life and a future! Also, my worst weakness now is the pneumonia, which will pass, then I will be stronger, so I can help make my life better. Without pain control, I will be rotting in bed, and my mom is not able to care for me, and so far I can't find any Dr. to take care of me. It would be a living nightmare for my whole family!

Most people in the world, and all doctors that trained more than 5 years ago, seem to not understand the new pain control research.
It shows that people are GROSSLY under treated, and shows that people who take the RIGHT amount of pain medicine for their severe pain do not get high, they do not get addicted psychologically. Their body gets dependent on it, so we will go through suffering if we stop taking it, but it's not the kind of withdrawal of people who get high. All the medicine does, is neutralize the pain in my body. This new science of pain control is being taught in all medical schools.

Also, synthetic opiates such as Vicodin, Lortab, Lorcet, oxycontin, etc. are much more addicting than morphine. When I lived in the USA I took a weak dose of hydrocodone, but I really hated the buzz in my head that everyone else LOVES about it. When I got to Canada where they don't even have that drug, I was put on low dose morphine, because every other pain killer was tried and caused severe side effects or didn't work.

This substitute Dr. is from Africa. He said "There is way too many painkillers being passed out in this country." I thought to myself "I thought that's why God made it, was to help people in pain, and when I think of your country of Africa, where every third person is dying a horrible painful death of AIDS, and not even those people get pain control, then when you compare that to the compassion of Canada, then I can see why he thinks we have too much "PAIN CONTROL". Maybe he thinks people are not supposed to get pain control.

I don't know what I did in my life to deserve such a death, without seeing my grandchildren or children for 11 years and without even having my honeymoon yet, and now looking toward making my mom and brother and husband suffer as I suffer without any medical help or anyone to even hire to help me clean my room or do laundry, etc. I just want to crawl in a hole...and I'm so ashamed of feeling like I need support yet AGAIN, and I feel like an emotionally abused wife, who has to get abused over and over and over
and has no way to get out of it, and when I need help instead of abuse, I am expected to endure insults and neglect and abuse when I don't have the strength to defend myself.

In the USA doctors would not get away with this kind of behavior, but in Canada they can do whatever they want because there are so few doctors, that no one else will take them. Most doctors here even have a list of things they won't treat, so if you develop one of those illnesses, you just suffer with it, because you can't get another Dr. very easily.

Now I wonder if that Dr. that told me I have 1 year to live (last July) knew that, because he knew the gov't had cut off medical care, and that's how long I would live without treatment, in the condition I was in.

What a mess. It seems like this medical system thinks I don't deserve medical care, don't deserve to ask for emotional support because I have asked too much already, and I'm ashamed of needing it and SOOO tired of being abused again and again and again like an abused wife who has to keep going back, getting abused when I need help the most.
We have started talking about moving to another country, but we don't have the strength to go through immigration or to move.
I'm so confused. Did God have my first husband leave me, so that I would be sent back to Canada so I can die in my mid 40s in loneliness and uncontrollable pain?
I'll just go have a nap and try to pray myself out of this hole. Thanks for being here. For cheerier news, look below 2 blogs, the blog under the cartoon. That is all the good things that are happening right now, which I DO APPRECIATE. I don't know what I'd do if I had to be Mom's nurse right now too. Yes I do. She would probably die in the hospital from mistakes and neglect because I am too sick to be there with her. Maybe the Lord should just take all 3 of us to be with my Dad, so none of us has to suffer the loss of the others.
I WANT a new life with my husband! I want to experience EVERYTHING, go everywhere, see every culture, see, hear, taste, feel new things...but I can only do that if I can keep the pain control I have been getting. If I lose that, life is over, unless I get healed, and since that has not happened yet, it seems obvious that it is not the Lord's will to heal me. I know he CAN, and if its his will, he will do it, but in one of my visits to the spirit world, I was told straight out that the Lord would help me with my illness, but I would not be completely healed, because there are important purposes for it. One is that others who know me will learn things from it. I don't know the others yet.

My husband was SOOOO encouraging and loving and supporting when I got home from the Dr. today. He coincidentally called about 10 minutes after I got home when I was still crying and feeling beat up and hopeless. I was ashamed for telling him my problems because he is going through a war, then he said "Honey, we are BOTH going through a war in our own ways. One is as bad as the other. It's ok if you tell me what you are going through." He is such a gift from God. I love him.

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