Me & my "blonde airhead refill machine" (oxygen)
This illness seems to be moving quite quickly. Last month when I was told about what I have, I wasn't ready for home care because I could still shower and dress myself daily, but now I can't...but just spreading it out to every few days because home health care doesn't help me wash clothes that I need to wear, or help me get something to eat, and don't really do anything to help me shower except nag me until I do it. lol. Still on my "blonde airhead refill machine" (oxygen) but not as often. I might have to start sending people to my blog because I am getting to weak to remember who I told how much to. Stress makes me worse, and I have had appointments 2-3 times a day for Dr., mom's Dr., dentist, tests, etc. as well as worrying about my husband. His city is now in the national news daily for being attacked by the Taliban and Al-queda, and everyone there is in a panic and can't even get the necessary work done. This is causing more delays for immigration. I'm very scared that we won't be together in this life, but if I really am going to die, and if his city continues to be so violent, we may be meeting in the spirit world soon enough. I feel his pain, as if I am in the middle of a war zone, my nerves are frayed, as if I am in the middle of bombing and shooting constantly. Just empathy I guess. Every wife and mother who has a man in the military is feeling this.
Maybe it's only that I am still sick from the effects of that test. I am eager to start exercising to get stronger, but when I do the slightest thing, my heart rate goes past 200, dangerously high, and I get fast heartrate and low blood pressure, which causes shock,which can kill. Tomorrow I find out the results of the test and if anything can be done or not. I can only stay awake about 8 hours a day, and the heart problem causes nausea, dizziness, sweating, weakness the rest of the time. I can't even read the many books I got to comfort and teach myself. So sad for my lonely, confused, sad Dad with Alzheimer's and brother with severe depression and a tremor disorder and my mom whom I am supposed to be cooking for but can't, so I feel guilty and useless. I want to sell all that I have to hire help or go get treatment but I don't have the strength to do that either. FRUSTIPATING! Alone and can't do much and no help to do it. I hear of other churches who are so good to their sick members and I pray for my church's hearts to be softened. I haven't even had strength to make funeral plans or living plans, between doing the most urgent jobs for the day and the weakness, not much gets done. Mom is able to visit Dad daily, but I have only been able to go weekly.
I DO COUNT MY BLESSINGS and thank God for them. I know things could be so much worse. I don't complain to many people in person, or they would stop wanting to hear from me, so this is my only place to express my negativity, so sorry if I sound like I am only complaining on this blog. I am very blessed, despite the pain and weakness and poverty.
I want to ask God something about severe cancer and other terminal illnesses. If He is going to take them anyway, why make them suffer so much for so long first? I am hearing a lot of horrendous stories from terminally ill patients.
Blessings,
Bluebirdy
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