I think I used up the whole bottle of courage that God sent me to earth with. I think the bottle can be refilled when there are supportive people in your life, but I don't have that. I do get uplifting little emails when I need it, but that isn't the same as having a person to encourage you and help you with living. Starting to wonder if I do want to live if nothing will change. Its 3 in the morning, so I will write more another day about me being ANGRY AT CANCER! Not in the way you think, I AM JEALOUS OF CANCER! It seems 10 times a day I see resources, fund raisers, books, makeovers, last wish granters, songs, poems, power point presentations about Cancer, jewelry for cancer survivors, everyone applauding those who have cancer or are dying from it...but I can't even get .0001 % of that support. In home care, counseling, online or phone or pen pal buddies to help encourage you, services for family members of cancer victims, memorial services, walks to raise money, cute little ribbons to commemorate cancer, in home care, pain care, massage, comfort spa care, Cancer is NOT the only disease people die of , but from the media blitz, you would sure think so! If this was cancer, at least I would know it would end soon. Either I would be cured or dead, but with lupus and this heart problem, I could be bedridden and alone for 40 more years. If you are dying of anything else, you die alone. Should I push to get hubby here sooner? Should I push to get treatment sooner and save my life? Or should I just let nature take its course? Dad's Alzheimer's is so much worse. It just drains us all to see him disappear slowly like this. i keep praying for miracles for my brother's life to be made better. he has one cursed hardship after another and is talking suicide. I have 2 online friends who suck me dry emotionally. One good friend tried to teach me how to protect myself, protect my energy from being drained, but I don't know how. I have something going on almost every day for the next week or so, all medical or dental related, when I'm not even sure if its worth the effort and expense if I won't be here next year. I thought about what happens after the results of my heart test this week. If I can't be helped, I would consider going into a medical apartment.I would not be able to be with my husband anyway, because I have to prove in court that I can take care of him for 10 years because I am sponsoring him. If I can't get well, I can't prove that, and I'm too sick to move to another country.In a medical apartment I can come and go as I want but the medical care is there, apartment cleaning is there and meals are there, but that would leave my mom in a terrible rut, because she refuses to go into assisted living. There is something about world war 2 generation that is so strong, so persevering. I wish I had some of it. If God knows what I need, I wish he would supply it soon, because I am running out of strength to fight.