There is a local church that has been calling me weekly to pray for me, and what's interesting, is the prayers seem very powerful, and shockingly, something very personal and unusual is mentioned in every prayer, that no one else knows about me. Yesterday a lady called to ask if she could pray for me, and I told her what was going on in a summarized version. She asked about home care, I told her what I wrote below about home care. She asked about meals on wheels. I told her its about $14 a day. She thought it was free. She told me she used to work for the medical system, and that there IS a corrupt way of treating people in Canada. Those who get the fastest, best, most expensive care, are those who are rich and who can afford the few private hospitals and clinics that are a very rare and new occurrence in Canada. Second level of care is still excellent care but a bit slower, those who have insurance from their employer and are working. Third level, not as fast care and not quite as expensive, are those who have Alberta health care only but still are employed. The 4th level of care of care are those who are elderly or on disability, and the last level is called "Tagged" which my mom is on, where they have spent 1 million dollars of care for the person over a lifetime, and/or they are elderly. Mom is elderly, and her Dr. who has also been her friend since childhood has told her she is tagged. They just offer the minimal of comfort care if the person goes to the emergency room, and never admit them for care, and often consider "Do not resuscitate", and for sure do not consider expensive tests and treatments and surgeries. At this point, care becomes dangerous. They will give drugs she is allergic to, and will fight with her when she tells them she is. They will negect her if she doesn't have someone with her.
OK back to this phone call yesterday. This lady told me she had worked for the medical system, and there are different levels, and after I told her the tests I had and the symptoms I had and the forecast I was given, I told her that today I have an appointment to get the results of the latest tests. She said she thought it was only fair to warn me that I will probably not be told exactly what is wrong, because if they tell me what is wrong, they will be obligated to treat me. This is why I did not even get a Dr. to listen to my chest for 10 years or do a physical on me, because if they find something, they have to treat it, so they bypass that by not testing. I go to the Dr. every 2 or 3 months, and never got even blood pressure or chest listened to until this year when I changed doctors to one in another town. I was getting weaker and weaker and kept praying studying hoping for a way to get feeling better so I could take care of my family and my husband, and finally when I couldn't walk 10 steps without my heart rate going to 120+, I took my mom into the office with me. This was the first time a Dr. took me seriously and referred me to a specialist. The visit before that, the Dr. kept trying to tell me that what was bothering me was a hiatal hernia, not my heart. Then when mom came in the office with me, he suddenly took me seriously and the testing started.
So after that phone call yesterday, the depression set it horribly. I realized that I would not hear the truth at the appointment today, and I would not get any treatment, and there are hundreds of people praying for me in different religions, praying HARD, doing whatever little ceremonies their belief system condones, energetic healing, I am doing 2 types of homeopathic treatments now, meant to heal everything in my body, and all my meds are natural, but yesterday it hit me that after all that, it was probably not God's will that I get well, or I would have been healed by now. So now I am trying to learn everything possible about bringing into my life those things that I want, attracting good energy and abundance, learning positive thinking and joy, doing and learning everything I can to get well, but that is not bringing forth any changes yet either.
They say its always darkest before the dawn, and I have found that in my life too, when its darkest and unbearable, if I hang on for just a little while longer, God will send me something inspirational to read or learn or an encouraging friend, etc.
I went to the Dr. today, and the person who called yesterday was right. He even denied all the bad things he said in the past! Now I am completely healthy! He said it might be due to lupus, but he couldn't help me. So a few weeks ago I had a year to live if I didn't get treatment, my blood oxygen was 86% instead of 100% and I had arrhythmias that could make me drop dead any minute. There IS treatment for that. They use pacemakers and defibrillators. I asked him why does my heart rate go to 120+ when I walk 10 steps? Why can't I walk without a walker, why does the oxygen help, could it be a blood problem? He gave me the name of a lupus specialist in town and said that was all he could do for me. The appointment was about 3 minutes. The lupus Dr. will have the same set of rules fro,m Canadian health care. I can't bear more abuse and tests and insults and corruption. I already now they can't do anything more for me and that I can't lean on the arm of men. The person I talked to yesterday was right. I was not told what was wrong or offered a treatment. When my Dad got water in his lungs last week, he was given the water pills and heart meds to take care of that. When I got water in my lungs a month or so ago, I was not offered anything, as if they were hoping I would die. I came home and slept with the head of my bed raised, barely able to breathe or talk. It took a lot longer to go away than Dad's did. I am glad Dad's problem passed, instead of HIM passing.
Then after the Dr. visit, I got a letter from immigration needing papers from my husband so fast that I don't think it will be possible to get that paperwork to the court in time. If we don't, that means him and I are through. Part of me wants to delay it so I don't have to make him suffer by coming to live with me, and I feel too sick to live with anyone and be married to anyone, so I don't know whether to give up on all the work and money and emotional turmoil we have suffered all these years and just drop immigration, or if I should see it through to the end and be miserable with him being miserable with me. I don't want anyone's life to be difficult due to me, and for sure it will be MORE than difficult with us. The helpless trying to help the helpless. Love does not cure all. We don't even have enough money to get him here. Part of me says "NEVER GIVE UP!" the other half of me says "I don't see how I will even get through one day with him since I can't help him adjust to a new culture and feed him 3 times a day. I will probably do my best and then trust God for whatever happens in the end.
As for "the dawn coming after the darkness", in the mail today, a book came that is considered 1 of the 10 best books ever written, "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. He survived the Jewish concentration camps, and found meaning then, and likens illness to being in a prison. So again, with perfect timing, the dawn came after the darkest night, and I am hoping that book will help me create the whole new, different life I have been trying to create. I have many books to read about changing my life but have had too much nausea to read and very poor retention of what I read. Oh my loving, precious Heavenly Father, it seems you want me to stay sick, and that it will be 100 times harder if I have to take care of a helpless husband when I can't even do the things I need to do for myself. I'm overwhelmed, lost, damned if I do get hubby here, damned if I don't. Please change me, change my way of thinking, my spirit and body. Give me the strength I need to take care of my family. I want to help people in this world. I want to be a light and encourager. I want to be part of my children's and grandchildren's lives. I want to travel. I don't know if you plan for me to live or die, but PLEASE constantly tell me what I should do and give me the strength to do it. I pray this in the name of your gracious son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Thinking on the brighter side...this depression has overwhelmed me because I can't get out, can't go to a store or to a park or even get enough to eat, which messes up body chemistry. Maybe with my hubby here, I could be distracted from the illness and experience some joy. Trust in the Lord WITH ALL THINE HEART and lean not onto your own understanding!!!"