LIFE --1 Hour At A Time!

It's October already. Got to start on Christmas stuff cuz I can do so little at a time. It's only fair that I report the good as well as the bad. Except for severe pain and weakness, things have been very peaceful since my last post. I would rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain anytime. I had a long list of things that I could not stop worrying about, and now I am trying to retain more of what I learn and read, to remember the comfort I find in the scriptures and from Internet friends and from the many books I have bought to try to teach myself to be peaceful. The only thing I am being bothered about is that I wish I could push myself more through the pain. I can push myself through pain that is on levels 1 to 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, but once the pain hits 8-10, I can't push myself through that to keep doing my duties, and that's what I've been living with, but there is SO much that needs to be done, and I SHOULD be with my Dad once every day, but I can't. And he forgets how people live on the outside world, so he doesn't understand why we can't be with him 24 hours a day. We get so sad for his loneliness and confusion and sadness. I just do a LOT of praying for him,hoping that angels will surround him and comfort him. He has been such a precious father. I don't know of any better fathers. He was always so generous and patient, and now I wish I could give to him all the time and patience and generosity he gave to me.
I've been dreaming a lot about my children lately, feeling bad that I can't be a mom/grandma to them and the kids. Last night I dreamed the kids were injured and needed to go to the hospital but I couldn't help them. I imagine that is the feeling I will have when my husband lives here and needs me to do something for him when I can't . I am so scared I will even resent him and God for putting me in a position that is beyond my abilities. OK got to back up. Got to stop worrying about that, and worry about things as they happen. IF he gets a visa we will deal with those things as they happen. No use suffering twice for them,once now, and then again when they happen. Also worrying makes lupus worse, so I have to keep practicing peace, and practicing the skill of not worrying. God has always prepared me for things before they happened (except the divorce and losing touch with my kids), and has helped me develop skills for circumstances that I did not have before. How do I explain it? When something bad happens, it seems like I just recently learned a skill to help me through that circumstance, and if it had happened a month earlier, I would not have been prepared for it, so I have to believe that either God will lighten my load or strengthen my back for whatever comes up. I have to let God carry my load, since I am not able. I know I still have to PLAN for the future, but planning doesn't mean worrying. It has been nice to have a few days where a crisis didn't come up. For a LONG time, it seemed that I was getting a crisis daily with no break. So now I am just reading these amazing books and hoping to remember what I learn. My memory is bad since the bad pain started, but I hear that's normal. It helps because I forget the pain that I had a few days ago, but is frustrating for other things I forget.
I want to get my husband out of that terrible dangerous war zone, and the pollution is making him sick quite often too. If he can't come here, I will still try to get him a visa to another country. I am now trying to find out info about other countries he could go to until he gets a Canadian visa.
I wore myself out. Gosh if I can't even type for a few minutes without being worn out, how can I care for him? (OH STOP IT ! HABITS ARE SO HARD TO BREAK!) Still working on it.
Bluebirdy

Posted by Bluebirdy at 14:42