The Worst Days--when I'm out of spoons.
I still have no idea how to make this blog separate the lines and the paragraphs and to start a new line. Even when I use "view blog" to see how it will look before I publish it onto the blog, it looks fine there, but not when it's published, so I guess what I will have to do to start a new line or paragraph is to change colors.
These letters between a friend and I will explain why I haven't blogged for a while.
Dear Bluebirdy of Happiness./
How is the mouth. Im thinking about you. Can't seem to sleep tonight and hope this is not a preview of things to come. I've always slept well and don't wishto give this blessing up. I just found out that mybest friends grandaughter has return cancer for the second time in as many years and she is 27. It is just too hard sometimes,
Love, Ç./
Hi Sis;/
I guess we are both struggling. I don't want to get chastised publicly for my scary thinking, so I have just stayed silent. I am so sorry about your best friends granddaughter. Cancer is a plague, like the black plague, and I seem to hear about another victim every few days. I chose the name "bluebirdy" hoping it would help me become the happy person I was 10 years ago, but its a constant struggle. I have been in such horrible pain, not eating, not sleeping, even morphine not getting the pain, missing Canadian thanksgiving, unable to even visit Dad, for a long time now. I am getting enough liquids, though. I sleep about 3 to 5 hours a night usually, its been that way all my adult life, so I understand your insomnia. I was so miserable physically and emotionally this week, I kept thinking of
Rev. 9:6 "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them." /
I can't help wondering if it would be harder to be with someone right now or easier. Been thinking also that if it is my time to go, maybe I failed in what I was sent here to do, so I have been making myself miserable with thoughts like that, beating myself up with worse things than I would say to my worst enemy. When you are in level 10+ pain, its almost impossible to think rationally and change your thinking. Even Job in the Bible only suffered 5 months. Lupus decided to start a riot in my body because of the trauma of oral surgery and the infection that went into my system, so I am as sick as if I had been poisoned. You are the only person on earth I have told this to so far, because I know you have like that when severely ill too, in fact, just last week! To anyone else, I would be seen as a whining exaggerator...because they can't imagine a person can continue to survive pain that morphine doesn't take care of. /
I'm SOOOO happy you wrote. I have felt especially alone, because if I can't write something good, I'd rather not write on my blog or to the group , so I just laid here suffering, My voice is gone so I couldn't even talk to my husband. He would come online but I could only see clearly for a few minutes, then I had to quit. Part of me misses him so much, but the other part of me knows I CAN NOT take on a man as helpless as a child in this new world. I've been bawling for days, like I'm having a nervous breakdown./
Ok enough, I'm sorry, but thanks for letting me vent. You are so dear to me. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Love, S /
I guess we are both struggling. I don't want to get chastised publicly for my scary thinking, so I have just stayed silent. I am so sorry about your best friends granddaughter. Cancer is a plague, like the black plague, and I seem to hear about another victim every few days. I chose the name "bluebirdy" hoping it would help me become the happy person I was 10 years ago, but its a constant struggle. I have been in such horrible pain, not eating, not sleeping, even morphine not getting the pain, missing Canadian thanksgiving, unable to even visit Dad, for a long time now. I am getting enough liquids, though. I sleep about 3 to 5 hours a night usually, its been that way all my adult life, so I understand your insomnia. I was so miserable physically and emotionally this week, I kept thinking of
Rev. 9:6 "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them." /
I can't help wondering if it would be harder to be with someone right now or easier. Been thinking also that if it is my time to go, maybe I failed in what I was sent here to do, so I have been making myself miserable with thoughts like that, beating myself up with worse things than I would say to my worst enemy. When you are in level 10+ pain, its almost impossible to think rationally and change your thinking. Even Job in the Bible only suffered 5 months. Lupus decided to start a riot in my body because of the trauma of oral surgery and the infection that went into my system, so I am as sick as if I had been poisoned. You are the only person on earth I have told this to so far, because I know you have like that when severely ill too, in fact, just last week! To anyone else, I would be seen as a whining exaggerator...because they can't imagine a person can continue to survive pain that morphine doesn't take care of. /
I'm SOOOO happy you wrote. I have felt especially alone, because if I can't write something good, I'd rather not write on my blog or to the group , so I just laid here suffering, My voice is gone so I couldn't even talk to my husband. He would come online but I could only see clearly for a few minutes, then I had to quit. Part of me misses him so much, but the other part of me knows I CAN NOT take on a man as helpless as a child in this new world. I've been bawling for days, like I'm having a nervous breakdown./
Ok enough, I'm sorry, but thanks for letting me vent. You are so dear to me. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Love, S /
Hi Sheila,/
I'm writing immediately because I do understand although I'm not in any real pain, ( Well, my feet and my head, but I've gotten used to those). Somedays after chemo I feel so badly that I, too, think that I don't want to live like this, it passes though, even though I don't. I want your pain to stop, has it subsided? There are few things worse than mouth trauma. S, I think you SHOULD post your letters like this, How are our care givers to know that some days there are NO spoons at all and it really sucks. I love you. Thanks for calling me SIS as I am an only child. I have trouble sitting at the computer for long, soI'll close now. I'm good for an e-mail ANYTIME, GOOD OR BAD./
LOVE,C
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