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Posted by Bluebirdy at 15:24
Posted by Bluebirdy at 14:19
Earlier I sent a post called "Ten Guidelines From God". That message and this one I just found that I didn't finish writing would have gone very well together. I should have sent them together.
Sharing with you a message that really fed my spirit. I like "Hour of Power" . One Sunday Robert Schuller Jr. spoke of "Happiness From Within." These are just a few parts that I loved enough to keep in my journal. If you want to read the whole message, go to
"Do not be anxious about anything
but in everything by prayer and petition
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God
and the peace of God which transforms
all understanding will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 4: 6 & 7)
It's interesting when you study anxiety.
Oh Lord, we need Your touch today. Oh Lord, we need Your love today. Oh Lord, we thank You for sending a garrison of angels to guard our hearts and our minds in Jesus Christ. Lord, give us the strength to be mindful of Your words and to be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and petition and thanksgiving, come and allow Your peace to fill our hearts and our minds. We love You Lord, Amen.
Happy Sabbath; Happy Indian Summer!
Posted by Bluebirdy at 13:17
Ten Guidelines From God
Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life.
These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life.
I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you.
Please, follow these 10 guidelines
1. QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much he bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......
Note: I received this from a friend and I have no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched by it, that I had to share it with you. I hope that you will be blessed by it and will share it with others.
Touch someone with your love.
Rather than focus upon the thorns of life,
smell the roses and count your blessings!
Posted by Bluebirdy at 23:33
I went out of town to my family Dr. He only works a few afternoons a month, so I can only see him about every 3 months. He is recovering from mouth cancer, where they removed half his tongue, and replaced one of his jaws with titanium. Its hard to understand him when he speaks, but you adapt to his "accent" like you would with every other accent.
I explained to him about the oral surgery and the complications and that I am still hurting and sick from it. He took a blood test, and found that the infection is still all throughout my body. I asked him for a pain shot, and he said he didn't dare even break my skin with a shot, or it would get infected because of the amount of infection in my body.
He insisted that I increase my pain medicine. He said that bone pain and nerve pain are the worst pains on earth, and I have them both, and if my body is busy fighting the pain, it can't fight the infection. I also got super strong antibiotics, and since he has had horrible mouth/jaw pain, he was VERY good to me!
I am sure that the pain felt worse when I knew that no matter how bad it got, I could not get medical help for it, and now that I know that I CAN get help if I drive to the other city, it eases the pain some.
Night before last, I said some things to my hubby that hurt his feelings. I was expressing my fears by saying that I didn't feel very loved at the moment. He took it as an insult and was very hurt and angry. That turned into a very emotionally painful couple of days, and I wasn't even sure if he would forgive me for it. We talked things out just as I was leaving to go out of town, so it has been a wonderful day. Its also so pretty outside, our roses are blooming again! Mid October and our flowers are blooming in Canada! Unheard of! I LOVE IT! Its so pretty outside, smells so fresh, not too hot or too cold, I would love it to stay this way all winter. I could really use more good days like this. I hope I can teach myself to make EVERY day a good, beautiful day.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 20:17
When you want to speed up heaven.http://www.restministries.org/art-spbelieve.htm
Posted by Bluebirdy at 20:01
Posted by Bluebirdy at 00:55
I'm writing immediately because I do understand although I'm not in any real pain, ( Well, my feet and my head, but I've gotten used to those). Somedays after chemo I feel so badly that I, too, think that I don't want to live like this, it passes though, even though I don't. I want your pain to stop, has it subsided? There are few things worse than mouth trauma. S, I think you SHOULD post your letters like this, How are our care givers to know that some days there are NO spoons at all and it really sucks. I love you. Thanks for calling me SIS as I am an only child. I have trouble sitting at the computer for long, soI'll close now. I'm good for an e-mail ANYTIME, GOOD OR BAD./
Posted by Bluebirdy at 15:18
Thankyou to whoever the artist is for this and all the pictures that I use. I use public domain pictures so I won't break copyright laws. Being a writer, I am sensitive to having work stolen. I wish I knew the artists names, to give them credit for such beauty.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 14:43
Posted by Bluebirdy at 12:21
Posted by Bluebirdy at 18:58
That's my new nickname at the dentist office. "Miss Complications". He has NEVER treated someone who has so many complications. He agrees with me when I say I am an alien.
I went in to get a few fillings, and they finished 2 of the fillings, started on the third, and found it went to the root, but they couldn't do a root canal because the roots were crooked and strongly attached to the bone, so they tried to pull the tooth, and the dentist is a lady and I'm sure she doesn't even weigh 100 pounds, but she sure had to stand up and get leverage to get that thing out. When she did, pus came out of my jaw, so that tooth and my jaw were infected and I didn't even know it, which weakened the jawbone, so she broke my jaw (cracked,not a bad break) when getting the tooth out. She said I will probably get more swollen, bruised, more pain and more sick in the next few days because that infection has now been released into my system. So they gave me a really strong antibiotic and strong pain meds. Its thanksgiving here in Canada this weekend, but since we are sick, we are not cooking or having a big dinner until the 10th when we go to the Nursing home to share dinner with my Dad, so that's a blessing, and you know, I AM SO VERY VERY THANKFUL that I live in the days of anesthetic. I was praying that she could get it out easily and remembering horror stories of dentists before there was Novocain, and thought that what I went through was not bad at all compared to what they went through. Now I have no back teeth, so I have to have a partial denture made for the back upper and bottom. Diabetes and lupus REALLY destroy the teeth, even if you brush 3 times a day. That's all I needed, was more pain, and now sepsis, infection in my blood stream, right ? Life is never boring, anyway! The stitches come out in a week. Maybe I'll lose a pound or 2 by only having liquids for that time, but maybe not, since I eat as little as a bird anyway. It would be nice for something good to come out of this.
Smile, it makes things better.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 13:25
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future. " Jer. 29:11.
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 01:41
Did you ever read THE SPOON THEORY? It has made it so much easier for me to understand myself and for me to tell others how my life works, and how all of us struggle with invisible chronic illness. You can read it here (short story). http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/
Posted by Bluebirdy at 01:23
Posted by Bluebirdy at 22:46
(I wish I could figure out how to make the new lines, paragraphs, separated sections show up in this blog, instead of all running together. Even the "preview" doesn't show the same way it ends up posting. I think what I have to do is to type ** to indicate where a new line or paragraph starts. )
**A few people are asking how I got that contentment I blogged about earlier, so here's how:a very short summary of what I've learned. Maybe later I can include the books and tapes that got me to this point over the past 3 months.
**As for the contentment, How I wish I could magically send it as an attachment to an email. It's not yet a permanent condition. It took a lot of study about how to stop worrying, and I am still practicing. Old habits die hard, but I am hoping I can keep practicing what I learned whenever the contentment starts to leave me. This article (you might have been in the hospital when I sent it) helped sum up a lot of what I learned about not worrying. http://bluebirdyliving.blogspot.com/2007_09_01_archive.html
I also found my 2 biggest tricks are:
**1) I decide if its something I can control or not. If not, I ask God to please take it from me because I can't do anything; and if I can control it, I ask Him to help me make the right decision, and to give me the strength to do what I need to do with it, and
** 2) I have to keep reminding myself to live in the moment. Are things fine NOW? Enjoy NOW. I was so worried about the future and about everything else that I was not enjoying anything in life. I ask "Is what I am worrying about something that might not even happen and/or in the future?" What a shame to suffer for it twice, once now, before it even happens (when it might not even happen), and then again in the future if it does happen. Even if you are worrying about something that WILL happen, "will worrying add one moment to the length of your life" (as Jesus said). Does worrying solve anything? It just makes you suffer, so I have to practice pushing those worrying thoughts out of my mind and replacing them with something else.
**One more thing...I stopped fighting/denying my situation, started accepting, and trying to learn what I can do to make life better now that I have accepted the way things really are. I also decided I have to cut out all negative media/music/books, etc. that drains my energy.
**During an NDE, I learned that I am much harder on myself than even God is, and that He expects much less of me than the world and my religion does. I have to remind myself of that often, so I am learning to quit being mean to myself for not accomplishing much.
**I hope something I have learned will help someone else, even if for a few moments a day!
Posted by Bluebirdy at 12:33
Posted by Bluebirdy at 12:46
Ok what's with this blogger? I spent HOURS separating lines, paragraphs etc, in the previous blog, I even used "preview" to see how it would look when it was published. It looked fine, with lines separating sections and paragraphs, and now when its published, all the lines that separated sections and paragraphs are all run together!!! FRUSTIPATING! Also my people's comments do not show up, even though my settings say to "show" the comments. Other problems but I guess it will take a lot of time to learn how to run this thing properly.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 00:22
.....of the Canadian Health System. I am happier to seek remedies in the world of alternative medicine and natural supplements, as I have since I was first told "there is nothing we can do for you" 30+ years ago. I only need the medical system for emergencies. I have bad reactions to the prescriptions anyway, so there is nothing they can offer me. Take away the little white prescription pad of a Dr. and he will be helpless. They don't do many procedures anymore, the nurses do. I guess surgeons can do more, and those who deliver babies and set bones and stitch up cuts are useful, but those who can't do those things are just very educated pharmacists, useless without toxic medicines to pass out. It is forbidden to speak of prevention, or of natural remedies. When the American Medical Association was founded in 1900, they all made a vow to cast out all natural healer and herbalists as quacks, and to never mention such remedies that were no more than old wives tales. In just over 100 years, they have become greedy and corrupt, and those who go in wanting to serve mankind and heal them, are soon taught the corrupt ways of their peers, or pushed out of their secret society. it is rare to find a real "healer", one who wants the patient to feel better and is willing to find the source of the disease and the source of the remedy, even if it is natural. natural medicine has been here since mankind began. Yet now that it has been banned, there has never been such a high percentage of sick people. Modern medicine is a self perpetuating business. 40% of people in the hospital are there due to the side effects of medicines. There is a book I read about 30 years ago called "The medical heretic" and I guess after being cast out of the medical system this time because of corruption and greed, I will now call myself a medical heretic. My mother and I are blessed to have family doctors who agree with us, and offer us natural alternatives, and plan to retire soon from the secret combinations and private religion of modern medicine.
The Summary of just a few months of medical Insanity.
Follow this thread of emails to know the insanity of the local medical system. I don't know if all of Canada is like this.
First one of my support groups was sent this article:
Is hospice really about dying? By Kristopher Stice - Special to the Argus Observer Sunday, September 30, 2007 12:34 AM PDT
My name is Kristopher Stice. I am the director of Human Resources for Heart ‘n Home Hospice & Palliative Care, LLC. I’ve been with Heart ‘n Home since its inception in March of 2004. Each month I will be writing this column with the intent of informing you, the public, of hospice and its benefits.
Hospice is a set of services that we all may need someday — if not for ourselves, for our parents. While death is not optional for any of us, we do have choices about the services we use at the end of life. Hospice is, without a doubt, the best option in the last months of life because it offers a whole variety of benefits, not only to those of us who are dying, but also to those we leave behind.
Yet, despite its many advantages, hospice is still a mystery to most Americans, 25 years after its introduction to this country.
That hospice remains a mystery is due in part to our society’s resistance to discuss matters related to death. We, as Americans, seem to think that we are invincible; death is not an option. A National Hospice Foundation research on end-of-life care found this manner of thinking to be accurate. The study revealed that Americans are more willing to talk about safe sex and drugs with their children than to discuss end-of-life care with their terminally ill parents. It is this lack of communication that leaves people unprepared for the physical, spiritual and emotional strains caused by terminal illnesses.
The good news is hospice can help. We are specialists in end-of-life care. Hospice providers are committed to the idea that hospice isn’t about dying; it’s about living and making each journey the best it can be. It’s about living life to its fullest, up to the final moment. It’s about receiving comfort and care. It’s about surrounding yourself and your loved ones with medical, emotional and spiritual support.
Hospice doesn’t give you the power to shorten or prolong life, just the power to live it as you choose, to be at home, if you wish, to be pain-free, to be comforted and cared for. This is the essence of what hospice is. This is what we want people to understand. And this is why we love what we do.
You know, a hospice patient once grabbed a nurse by the cheek and said, “Don’t you ever forget what a privilege it is to walk someone to the gates of eternity. It is a privilege not a right.” This patient couldn’t have been more precise. It is a privilege and a great honor to serve these people in their homes wherever that may be.
It is for this reason I’m writing this column, to help everyone understand hospice. If you need the help, please get it. It will be one of the best decisions you could ever make for you and your loved one.
If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to call me or the staff at Heart ‘n Home Hospice & Palliative Care, LLC, at our Fruitland office, (208) 452-2663, Baker City office, (541) 524-7688, Caldwell office, (208) 454-0262, or Emmett office, (208) 365-2099. You can e-mail me at email@example.com, or visit National Hospice & Palliative Care Organization Web site: www.nhpco.org
Then G. from the group replied:
I've been involved recently with hospice twice, once in-home and once in-hospital, so I've been exposed to both types of the services they offer.
I am on the fence regarding hospice.
The theory is, of course, excellent. However, in practice........I agree that most folks don't understand what is involved here. But we part on much of what that disagreement entails. I cannot speak for how hospice works in other areas, but again, the two experiences I've had have been in vastly different areas. The one was here in our rural hometown, the other was in a very urban setting. They were both the same, however, in how rarely the nurses are on-site. The actual care was left to either the "regular" staff nurses (as in the hospital with my dad) or the home care agency folks (non-nurses) that had been tending to my aunt's needs prior to her going into hospice. The BEST thing without a doubt is the painkilling drugs and how there is no hassle with the availability of these. However, if people think that hospice nurses are on-hand throughout the experience, that is not the case. The brunt of the care is left to others. Hospice makes arrangements for things that are needed, such as the meds, hospital bed, things like that, but they are a phone call away..........not on-site. I know I'm not the only one to have had somewhat differing illusions that I found were inaccurate when reality hit. I'm not saying that it's realistic to expect hospice to provide a nurse 'round-the-clock, but that seems to be the impression that they give.....
I'd be curious to hear of others' experiences.....
Then I replied to the group and to G.:
I had a bad experience lately with my local hospice and I am wondering if these same rules apply to every hospice. It seems as if a person has cancer, he can get hospice, but if he is dying of any other condition, he can't.
When I was told a few months ago that I probably have less than a year to live,(due to end stage lupus causing my organs to shut down), I started calling every agency in town to ask questions and to try to deal with all the confusing ideas swimming in my head. No one could help me. I called the hospice, and asked if there was anyone there I could even talk to after being told this news. I didn't know whether to tell my family or not, because there are 4 terminally ill people in this house and I didn't want to add to their problems. I was told that I couldn't even speak to someone from hospice until I got a Doctor's referral saying I have less than 6 months to live. I told them that my Dr. said he could never tell a patient with that much exactness how long they have to live, because each person is different, and a lot of it depends on God, not on what the body is doing. So first rule is that you don't get in if your Dr. doesn't say you have less than 6 months. The second rule they have, is that if you live longer than 6 months from the time you were signed up, you get dropped from the program at the end of that 6 months. So if I were to live 6 months and 2 weeks, the last 2 weeks I would be on my own when I need help the most. Is that a rule of all hospices? I thought it was horrid to think that suddenly they could take away my oxygen and pain relief etc. on the day that my 6 months runs out. It would make people consider suicide as that 6 month day approaches !
Calling home care agencies has been a joke. The other agency had stupid rules. For example, they would sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, but would not pick up anything that needed to be put away before dusting or vacuuming. They would dust or vacuum around them. If I had the strength to pick up all the things before dusting or vacuuming, I would not need to hire someone to dust or vacuum! The other rule was for the medical home care, I can't get that until I need help to bath or dress or be fed or take my meds, but they will not help do any laundry or iron any clothes to put on me when I need to get dressed. If I had the strength to do my laundry and ironing, I would not need to have someone dress me! They are not even allowed to empty a garbage or make a bed. Sounds like a dang easy job for $25 an hour. Even people with health problems or not able to speak English could do that very easy job and wow, maybe if I get feeling a bit better, I will apply there myself! Of course I know that I would wear myself out doing as much as possible for the clients. That's just how I think. I love to help.
I'm really glad you posted your letter, because I DID think hospice offered more help than you point out. I am writing to the author of that article to find out some hospice laws and ask him if our hospice is out of line.
This is utterly horrible. First of all, hospice should pertain to ANY terminally ill patient, and I don't even believe you have to actually have an appointment with death, necessarily. You certainly should not need to have a particular timetable!! That's beyond absurd.
And as you say, rarely any more does a doctor give a specific timeline. They know better. That hospice sounds like it needs a kick in the head. I do believe there must be national guidelines, they can't be making this up as they go along. It needs further investigation. What area are you in?
And, those home care agencies, they sound like a bad joke as well. You're right, you may as well be doing this stuff yourself, if you have to supplement what they are "allowed" to do. And for 25 bucks an hour?? I'll come and do it......yes, very easy money for the little work they are ASKED to do. It's nuts. I really feel for you, and I'm sure you're not the only one who can tell this story. The homecare my aunt had, while individually there were a couple of really excellent ladies, basically was the same. At one point, the lack of housekeeping was so awful, they had to fumigate the apartment (and my aunt was wealthy, lived on the 30th floor of a high-rise), it was dreadful. That particular "caregiver" finally was fired, but I'm sure this kind of thing runs rampant.
Your complaints need to be aired publicly. Try contacting your local legislature and also there should be what's known as an ombudsman who takes care of this kind of thing. They also cover nursing homes. Again, where are you?
People in your situation do not need to have to deal with this!!
I'm in Canada, I don't know if every province has these rules but I do know our province has the shortest waiting lists and the most medical employees, so less shortage of help.
This whole time since I have been told I have about a year to live, I have found that it is very hard work to be sick, to do all the research, make all the phone calls, go to all the tests (and treatments if they are offered), to fight every door that has been closed, etc.
I feel like I am walking through a maze from Alice in Wonderland with such absurd rules and illegal, unethical rules, that I am just worn out. I have an Internet friend who works for a government representative, and they pretty much said "too bad, there's a million other people in the same situation as you and we can't save them all and we can't change all the rules by ourselves." From what she could find from some digging, she figured that if you want to find the answer to why there was such a stupid rule made, follow the dollar signs. You just follow the trail to who was paid off in order to pass such a rule or law, or someone who decided it would save a dollar a day or some minuscule amount. Yeah its absurd that there have been 4 critically ill people in this house for 10 years that can't get help, and when we did tall to lawyers and legislators, the College of Physicians and Surgeons (The governing body for the medical system, where you report neglect and abuse) in the past AND EVEN A TV STATION, who called the agencies involved, the agencies were saying "What are you talking about? There are many times this family got treated medically, and many agencies that offered to help them with housekeeping and home care, but THEY turned us away! " And that's true. I don't have the strength to clean BEFORE they come to vacuum and mop. I don't have the energy to do the laundry BEFORE they come to dress me and nag me into the bathtub, and I didn't want to pay for them to come here at THEIR convenience to not do what I need, when I could maybe find some private person to hire who WOULD do the things I need done. If I had a husband or even 2 or 3 friends locally, I might have enough of a support system to fight with, but I don't have that, and I don't have the physical strength to fight, even though my spirit is willing, my flesh is too week to do publicity and go to appointments and court and hearings etc. etc. etc...so I am just at the point of doing all I can to improve my quality of life, attitude, improve my health, and live as comfortably and happily as possible for as long as possible. I believe there is a reason for everything, and there must be a reason that I was suddenly forced to move to Canada from my US home for 20 years, and then have my health decline here, be neglected here, and eventually die here. Maybe its for no other reason that all those who died innocently due to ridiculous greed and corruption will be justified by the leaders having to pay for their crimes sometime in the next life. Maybe its because it is part of God's plan for my life that I was only supposed to live to my mid 40s, and in order to facilitate my demise in a natural manner, maybe I had to leave the USA where I WOULD get treatment, even though it did bankrupt me. I don't know. I guess in the next world we will find out the reason for all these things. Thanks for your kind support and compassionate heart!!!
Posted by Bluebirdy at 22:58
It's October already. Got to start on Christmas stuff cuz I can do so little at a time. It's only fair that I report the good as well as the bad. Except for severe pain and weakness, things have been very peaceful since my last post. I would rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain anytime. I had a long list of things that I could not stop worrying about, and now I am trying to retain more of what I learn and read, to remember the comfort I find in the scriptures and from Internet friends and from the many books I have bought to try to teach myself to be peaceful. The only thing I am being bothered about is that I wish I could push myself more through the pain. I can push myself through pain that is on levels 1 to 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, but once the pain hits 8-10, I can't push myself through that to keep doing my duties, and that's what I've been living with, but there is SO much that needs to be done, and I SHOULD be with my Dad once every day, but I can't. And he forgets how people live on the outside world, so he doesn't understand why we can't be with him 24 hours a day. We get so sad for his loneliness and confusion and sadness. I just do a LOT of praying for him,hoping that angels will surround him and comfort him. He has been such a precious father. I don't know of any better fathers. He was always so generous and patient, and now I wish I could give to him all the time and patience and generosity he gave to me.
I've been dreaming a lot about my children lately, feeling bad that I can't be a mom/grandma to them and the kids. Last night I dreamed the kids were injured and needed to go to the hospital but I couldn't help them. I imagine that is the feeling I will have when my husband lives here and needs me to do something for him when I can't . I am so scared I will even resent him and God for putting me in a position that is beyond my abilities. OK got to back up. Got to stop worrying about that, and worry about things as they happen. IF he gets a visa we will deal with those things as they happen. No use suffering twice for them,once now, and then again when they happen. Also worrying makes lupus worse, so I have to keep practicing peace, and practicing the skill of not worrying. God has always prepared me for things before they happened (except the divorce and losing touch with my kids), and has helped me develop skills for circumstances that I did not have before. How do I explain it? When something bad happens, it seems like I just recently learned a skill to help me through that circumstance, and if it had happened a month earlier, I would not have been prepared for it, so I have to believe that either God will lighten my load or strengthen my back for whatever comes up. I have to let God carry my load, since I am not able. I know I still have to PLAN for the future, but planning doesn't mean worrying. It has been nice to have a few days where a crisis didn't come up. For a LONG time, it seemed that I was getting a crisis daily with no break. So now I am just reading these amazing books and hoping to remember what I learn. My memory is bad since the bad pain started, but I hear that's normal. It helps because I forget the pain that I had a few days ago, but is frustrating for other things I forget.
I want to get my husband out of that terrible dangerous war zone, and the pollution is making him sick quite often too. If he can't come here, I will still try to get him a visa to another country. I am now trying to find out info about other countries he could go to until he gets a Canadian visa.
I wore myself out. Gosh if I can't even type for a few minutes without being worn out, how can I care for him? (OH STOP IT ! HABITS ARE SO HARD TO BREAK!) Still working on it.
Posted by Bluebirdy at 14:42