Tuesday, 4 March 2008

11 p.m. same day

    Before getting to the hospital, I got a call on my cell phone. I had asked for a refill on my diabetes medicine, and they had to call the Dr. who was on call for my Dr. who is out of the country for 6 months. They called the clinic, and found out that new Dr. only stayed at that clinic for 1 month. I said "well who would fill in for HIM?" They said I would have to find another Dr. I had to go through 17 doctors last time to find one to take me on. So now I don't have a Dr. even for my diabetes. 
   ALONE again.
   I really like my alone time! I treasure it...but everyone needs help sometimes, especially with 3 critically ill people in the family, and one that just passed away, and now 2 that are falling apart and can't talk sense.
   I got to the hospital late, missed talking to the Dr. and had to leave shortly after getting there. I keep passing out due to the stress making my blood sugar too high. I would take my diabetes medicine, then my blood sugar would go even higher than the dosage of diabetes medicine, and if you take too much you go unconscious too, because of it going too low, so I was of no use to mom and she needs me there, and I keep passing out and it happens so fast I don't have time to get to my diabetes medicine, and now my brother keeps calling me and talking almost as crazy as Mom, and I am trying to keep them both grounded and comforted and positive in between my unconscious periods, then hubby needed me to do proofreading, even when I asked him not to take English projects until further notice because I didn't know when I could do the work...and I passed out while doing that, typing jjjjjjjj for a whole page, over and over. I'm so overwhelmed. I wish God would send me some physical help (friends or church members). I can't do all this
       ALONE anymore.
Not when I am not even able to stay conscious. I've been trying to hire someone to help with errands and cooking and cleaning, but no luck. I feel like I am going to fall apart along with my mom and brother. Then where will we all be? In the dementia ward of a nursing home? I didn't know a human could be so tired physically, spiritually, emotionally. I feel like God has ALLOWED Satan to make this as hard as possible and to make me do it all
for 11 years. I am going through the war in Pakistan with my husband because of my deep feelings for him, and going through my own war here as well. He has lots of people around him supporting him all day every day, so it's not as hard. I don't think I can do this
anymore. If Satan wanted to break me, he almost has. I'll just use my favorite saying "I'll lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise and fight again." Please know that this negativity is not just an attitude. It also comes from messed up blood sugar, exhaustion, and unbearable pain.
Cya later


Oh Bluebirdy, I commiserate with you. You really need help from others as the three of you there are all seriously sick. I pray to the Lord that He would touch somebody to help you all in your household chores. It's just too much for you my friend. I'm sorry if I were not able to visit your blog lately since I am too busy concentrating on strengthening the traffic in my blogs in preparation for possible commercial ads. I will pray for you my friend that the Lord will help you in every way possible. God bless you and your loved ones always.

Hi Mel;
I don't know anyone who visits people's blogs EVERY day, so there's no need to apologize. Most just look in occasionally.

Thankyou dear friend for your kind comments. You are the only one who has not said "You're not alone, God is with you." I KNOW HE IS! But it seems they did not read the 2nd post from the top that stated that I KNOW God is with me, I appreciate His comfort, but that EVERY human being needs physical help from another human being in their lives. No one can survive alone, without help from another human being. Especially if they are too ill to even think or move much of the time.
One person wrote to me and told me that I was choosing to be miserable just to get attention, and that even the apostle Paul, when he was in jail, had a better attitude. I know that too! But Paul had people to talk to even in prison; people he could share the good news of the Gospel with; so he felt useful to God and useful to others even while in jail.We don't know what his "thorn in the flesh" was, but times were different then. Stresses were different then. Their environment was not as toxic then, he had support of religion and family and friends. There is no way we can compare these last days to the times he lived in. That is like comparing our worst selves to other's best, dressed up selves that we see at church. Its not a fair comparison. Thanks for being so good to me, Mel.
Best wishes in your new business endeavor! I will be too busy caring for my family and self to get involved in it until later.

Hello Bluebirdy. I have read about you from Mel's blog. I dont know what say now. I just want you to know that I can feel your pain. I pray that there will be someone in your place to help you. I will be praying for you and your family.

Please take care always. God Bless you. I'll be visiting here again...

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