I guess Mom decided that I have rested long enough with this pneumonia. Today she wants to start going from Dr. to Dr. to try to get the surgery that they keep telling her they will not give her. She seems healthier than she has been in many many months, but for some reason she wants that surgery. Lupus exhaustion is beyond description, and so is pneumonia exhaustion, put them together with severe pain, and no help physically or medically, and I am too tired to think or to get myself a drink after I get home from driving mom from Dr. to Dr. and hospitals etc. It's only been about 5 days since she was almost killed in a hospital stay, and she wants to go back? I honestly do not have the strength to sit with her 20 hours a day in the hospital, and if no one is with her, they just ignore her, don't give her meds, let her burst colostomy bag dry all over her without helping her clean up. She can get help when she needs it, and she has lots more energy than me. She goes to stores and cleans house. I feel like I can't say no to her, but I feel like running her around is going to kill me! I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of suffering more than I have been before, without any help, and suffering alone. I miss my kids and grandkids so much, my husband, my Dad, yet I would be useless to my kids, grandkids or hubby if they WERE here. I'm stuck in a hard place. Well, off I go to an out of town Dr. Don't even feel well enough to drive out there. This is not fun. They might take one look at me sweating and coughing and white as a sheet, possibly passing out, and decide I need help, not my mom. We'll see . Thanks for your prayers. I really need an angel on each side of me to drag me along until I get a bit better.